BAND 6.5 IELTS ESSAY SAMPLE: DISCUSSING GOVERNMENT INVESTMENT PRIORITIES - PUBLIC SERVICES VS. ARTS

Explore a comprehensive Band 6.5 IELTS essay sample discussing diverse views on state budget allocation for arts, healthcare, and education. Understand the significance of different funding areas, including government involvement in healthcare, benefits of education subsidies, and the cultural importance of arts in contemporary life. A valuable resource for IELTS test takers.

Writing Task

Some people believe that the government should prioritize investments in public services, such as education and healthcare, over spending on the arts. Others, however, argue that investing in the arts is equally important. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion. Provide relevant examples from your own experience or knowledge to support your answer.

IELTS Writing Sample Essay with Band 6.0 Scoring and Feedback

People have different views on how state budget should be used. In my opinion, I believe that arts are as essential for contemporary life as other aspect, such as education and healthcare. This essay would analyze both arguments before giving an appropriate conclusion. On the one hand, it is undeniable that government funding should be used for education and healthcare. Firstly, by subsidizing educational fee, a higher number of youthful residents may have chances to enroll in school and colleges, making a greater supply of highly qualified workers. In fact, it is acknowledged that skilled and knowledgeable human capital is imperative to foster economic growth and technological development, which benefits society in the long run. Secondly, as it takes an arm and a leg to treat some dangerous diseases such as cancer or vascular problems, government should have responsibility to take care of resident's well- being. Reducing treatment fees by government subsidization may reduce the financial burden for low - income patients, those have chronic diseases. On the other hand, there are several argues in favor of using state budget on arts. The first reason is that some works of arts are invaluable, such as traditional songs or dance, that represent culture of each nation. Without considerable effort to protect these kind of arts, they could be push to the verge of extinction. An other reason worth mentioning is that some kind of arts have great spiritual value, which spices up our life and enhances our live standard. In fact, in hectic life, enjoying works of arts may not only help us to recognize the true value of life, but also a effective way to entertain. In conclusion, although being healthy and having a solid foundation of education is obviously important, I still hold the argument that it is reasonable to spend government funding on maintaining works of arts.
Words: 309Paragraphs: 1
Submitted: 7/18/2023, 07:15 AM

Coherence And Cohesion6.0

The essay discusses both views regarding government investment priorities, contrasting the importance of public services like education and healthcare with the arts. It attempts to present a balanced view and concludes with a personal opinion favoring arts funding alongside public services.

Recommendations:

  • Ensure each paragraph has a clear central idea, supported by examples, to maintain cohesion.
  • Clarify the conclusion by summarizing the main points discussed in the essay to reinforce the coherence of the argument.
  • Improve paragraph transitions to enhance the flow of ideas, especially between the introduction and body paragraphs.
  • Use clear linking words and phrases consistently to connect ideas within paragraphs, such as 'furthermore', 'moreover', or 'in addition'.

Lexical Resource6.0

The essay demonstrates a range of vocabulary with some sophistication, particularly in describing the importance of education, healthcare, and arts. However, there are occasional errors in word choice and usage, which slightly obscure meaning in some parts. Phrases like 'subsidizing educational fee' and 'spices up our life' show attempts at variety, but there are also awkward constructions such as 'several argues' and 'push to the verge of extinction.'

Recommendations:

  • Use more complex lexical structures and idiomatic expressions to convey ideas more fluently and naturally.
  • Expand vocabulary related to the topic by learning synonyms and collocations to avoid repetition and enhance precision.
  • Pay attention to word forms and usage; for instance, 'several argues' should be 'several arguments' and 'an other' should be 'another.'

Grammatical Range6.0

The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of grammatical structures, including complex sentences and some variety in sentence types. However, there are frequent grammatical errors that affect clarity and coherence, such as incorrect verb forms, article usage, and sentence fragments.

Recommendations:

  • Pay attention to subject-verb agreement, especially in complex sentences, to ensure grammatical correctness.
  • Improve the use of articles ('a', 'an', 'the') to enhance clarity, especially in phrases like 'a effective way' which should be 'an effective way'.
  • Correct sentence fragments to ensure each sentence is complete and meaningful, such as 'those have chronic diseases' which lacks a conjunction or relative pronoun to connect it properly.
  • Practice using more varied sentence structures, including passive voice and conditional sentences, to demonstrate a wider range of grammatical constructions.

Task Achievement6.0

The essay addresses the task by discussing both views on government spending priorities and providing the writer's opinion. However, the writer's opinion could be more explicitly integrated throughout the essay to enhance clarity and coherence.

Recommendations:

  • Clearly state your position in the introduction and ensure it is consistently reflected in each paragraph.
  • Provide more specific examples to support your points, particularly in the section discussing the importance of arts.
  • Ensure that the conclusion clearly summarizes both sides and reaffirms your opinion, linking it back to the main points discussed.
GRADED
6.0
Coherence and Cohesion:6.0
Lexical Resource:6.0
Grammatical Range:6.0
Task Achievement:6.0
Band Score:6.0
Coherence and Cohesion6
Logical structure6
Introduction & conclusion present6
Supported main points6
Accurate linking words6
Variety in linking words6

Lexical Resource6
Varied vocabulary6
Accurate spelling & word formation6

Grammatical Range6
Mix of complex & simple sentences6
Clear and correct grammar6

Task Achievement6
Complete response6
Clear & comprehensive ideas6
Relevant & specific examples6
Appropriate word count6