BAND 6.5 IELTS ESSAY SAMPLE: COMPARING EMPLOYEE CHOICE VS ORGANIZATIONAL CONTROL IN WORKPLACE

Explore our IELTS essay sample with a band score of 6.5 discussing the impact of technology on work conditions. Dive deep into both perspectives - employees choosing their own work conditions and organizations dictating them. Ideal for IELTS test takers and English language learners.

Writing Task

Some people believe that individuals should be allowed to choose when and where they want to work, while others think that organizations must dictate these terms for their employees. Discuss both views and give your opinion. Support your answer with reasons and examples from your own knowledge or experience.

IELTS Writing Sample Essay with Band 6.0 Scoring and Feedback

In contemporary life, the development of technology has made a paradigm shift in the way people perform their work. While it seems to be reasonable for employees to choose the working condition, ample evidences suggests that this should be decided by the organizations. This essay will analyze both views before giving a appropriate conclusion On the one hand, it is believed that working condition dictated by workers could give some advantages. Firstly, it would save time and money for both employees and employer if workers are not be forced to go to the offices. Indeed, while worker do not have to get in traffic on the peak time to get the companies on time, the budget of the organization do not need to be used for renting accommodation and features such as table, computers, energy. Secondly, thanks to the technological development, people recently can communicate and send their report to the managers from anywhere. For some people who are the night owls, they can be more productive to work on the condition that they feel comfortable. On the other hand, there are several reasons why I firmly believe that work condition should be decided by the organizations. The companies, in fact, are run by many people, having other taste on work condition. If each individual work on the special time, it would take a longer time for them to finished their work. An other season worth mentioning is that working in the same place enhance the direct communication between staffs, from that, they could comprehend each others. This will encourage them to help other, especially those who have trouble on work or their own life. In conclusion, from what has been present above, I totally agree organization should decide when and where their staff participate in their work.
Words: 298Paragraphs: 1
Submitted: 7/17/2023, 06:42 AM

Coherence And Cohesion6.0

The essay presents both perspectives on the topic and provides a clear opinion. However, there are issues with paragraphing, logical flow, and the use of linking words that affect coherence and cohesion.

Recommendations:

  • Avoid abrupt shifts in argument by providing a brief summary or transition sentence at the end of each paragraph to lead into the next point.
  • Use a wider range of cohesive devices and linking words to guide the reader through the argument more effectively. For instance, transition words like 'however', 'moreover', and 'in addition' can improve the flow between sentences and paragraphs.
  • Ensure consistency in the use of pronouns and subjects to maintain clarity. For example, make sure it is clear who 'they' refers to when discussing employees or organizations.
  • Improve paragraphing by ensuring each paragraph has a clear central idea and is logically connected to the next. For example, the introduction should clearly outline the main points to be discussed, and each body paragraph should focus on one perspective or argument.

Lexical Resource6.0

The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary relevant to the topic, including terms like 'paradigm shift', 'technological development', and 'productive'. However, there are several instances of inaccurate word usage and spelling errors, such as 'ample evidences' instead of 'ample evidence', 'an other season' instead of 'another reason', and 'finished' instead of 'finish'. These errors affect the clarity and precision of the lexical resource.

Recommendations:

  • Incorporate more varied and topic-specific vocabulary to demonstrate a broader lexical range, such as using 'remote work' instead of 'working condition dictated by workers'.
  • Work on improving word choice accuracy by understanding the precise meanings and contexts of words. Consider using a thesaurus or vocabulary lists to expand your lexical range.
  • Proofread the essay to correct spelling errors, such as 'an other season' to 'another reason', to enhance clarity and readability.
  • Pay attention to collocations and ensure that nouns and verbs are correctly paired, such as 'ample evidence' instead of 'ample evidences'.

Grammatical Range5.0

The essay demonstrates a fair range of grammatical structures, including complex sentences and some correct use of passive voice. However, there are several grammatical errors that affect clarity and coherence, such as incorrect verb forms, subject-verb agreement issues, and article usage errors.

Recommendations:

  • Expand the use of varied sentence structures, such as conditionals and relative clauses, to demonstrate a wider grammatical range.
  • Improve the use of articles ('a', 'an', 'the') to enhance sentence clarity and correctness.
  • Practice using correct verb forms, especially in passive constructions, to avoid errors like 'are not be forced' which should be 'are not forced'.
  • Review and practice subject-verb agreement rules to ensure that verbs match their subjects in number and person.

Task Achievement6.0

The essay addresses both perspectives on whether individuals or organizations should dictate work conditions, and it presents a clear opinion favoring organizational control. The writer provides reasons and examples to support both sides of the argument, demonstrating an understanding of the task requirements.

Recommendations:

  • Use more varied and precise vocabulary to articulate the points more effectively and maintain clarity.
  • Ensure a balanced discussion by providing more detailed examples and explanations for both views to enhance the depth of the analysis.
  • Clarify and strengthen the opinion by integrating it more consistently throughout the essay, rather than primarily in the conclusion.
GRADED
6.0
Coherence and Cohesion:6.0
Lexical Resource:6.0
Grammatical Range:5.0
Task Achievement:6.0
Band Score:6.0
Coherence and Cohesion6
Logical structure6
Introduction & conclusion present6
Supported main points6
Accurate linking words6
Variety in linking words6
Lexical Resource6
Varied vocabulary6
Accurate spelling & word formation6
Grammatical Range5
Mix of complex & simple sentences5
Clear and correct grammar5
Task Achievement6
Complete response6
Clear & comprehensive ideas6
Relevant & specific examples6
Appropriate word count6
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