BAND 6.5 IELTS ESSAY SAMPLE: CHILD AUTONOMY VS GUIDED DISCIPLINE - A BALANCED DISCUSSION AND OPINION

Explore the impact of permissive parenting in our IELTS essay sample, scoring 6.5 band. We examine both sides of the debate, exploring the benefits and potential drawbacks of children making their own life choices on their future personalities and independence. A comprehensive look at the role of parents in raising responsible children for a better society.

Writing Task

Some people believe that allowing children to make their own choices on everyday matters, such as food, clothes, and entertainment, is likely to result in a society of individuals who only think about their own wishes. Others argue that it is better for children to be guided and disciplined in these areas from an early age. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion. Support your answer with relevant examples and evidence.

IELTS Writing Sample Essay with Band 6.0 Scoring and Feedback

Some people claim that those children who can make a decision permissively, will end up being selfish, while others argue that children should have the right to choose for their own life. This essay will take a lot look at both sides of the argument and provide some precise reasons to support the first opinion, following with a reasonable conclusion. It goes without saying that being free is every individual's right and having said that those who have learned to make decisions freely are more persistent than others. in other words, in this modern society, it is up to parents to raise their children in a way to be more responsible for their own life and this fact actively starts from an early age, when children can choose their food or clothes as well. A survey conducted in a university shows the evidence that making children to decide for their own life, can highly affect their choices in the future. For instance, those children grown up permissively, can select university, jobs, and make their own living easily and are able to reduce their dependency on their parents as well. Another group looks at the problem from another perspective. They maintain that there is a correlation between children's choices and their personality. Allowing children to make their own choices for things they want, can deeply cause some irreversible ramifications in their adulthood and consequently gives them a sense of derevingness and possession. Simply put, these children, who often do not appreciate others life value, may become more greedy and narrow-minded. To give an example, those child who can have everything in life based on their interests, can not appreciate the others life value. As a result, in the future, they master their communication skills and may have some relationship problems with their workmates or partner. To sum up, although children should raised up to be more independent but if they do not be disciplined without guidelines and controls of their parents, in the future may have some principal issues which cannot be neglected. I strongly believe that parents should guide their children and help them to differentiate right from wrong, which is significant to have a better society.
Words: 367Paragraphs: 1
Submitted: 7/22/2023, 07:37 AM

Coherence And Cohesion6.0

The essay presents a structured discussion of both views regarding children's decision-making, but lacks clear, logical progression and effective paragraphing. The ideas are not always clearly linked, and there are some abrupt transitions.

Recommendations:

  • Avoid abrupt transitions by using linking phrases that guide the reader through the argument logically.
  • Use cohesive devices more effectively to link ideas between and within paragraphs, such as 'furthermore', 'in addition', 'on the other hand', or 'however'.
  • Ensure that the introduction and conclusion are clearly linked to the main body paragraphs, summarizing the key points discussed and reinforcing the main argument.
  • Improve paragraph structure by ensuring each paragraph contains a single main idea, clearly stated in a topic sentence, followed by supporting details and examples.

Lexical Resource6.0

The essay demonstrates a fair range of vocabulary, with some attempts to use less common lexical items. However, there are several instances of incorrect word choice, collocations, and word forms that affect clarity and precision.

Recommendations:

  • Use more precise and varied vocabulary to express ideas clearly and accurately. For example, replace 'permissively' with 'freely' or 'independently' where appropriate.
  • Avoid repetition of words and phrases, such as 'life value,' by using synonyms or rephrasing to maintain reader interest and clarity.
  • Incorporate more topic-specific vocabulary related to child development and psychology to enhance the lexical resource.
  • Ensure correct word forms and collocations are used. For instance, 'derevingness' should be corrected to 'entitlement,' and 'master their communication skills' should be 'struggle with communication skills.'

Grammatical Range6.0

The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of grammatical structures, including complex sentences, but contains frequent errors that impede clarity and coherence.

Recommendations:

  • Correct the use of articles, e.g., 'a lot look' should be 'a closer look.'
  • Pay attention to sentence structure and punctuation, such as starting sentences with lowercase letters, e.g., 'in other words' should begin with a capital 'I.'
  • Use consistent verb tenses, e.g., 'should raised up' should be 'should be raised up.'
  • Avoid run-on sentences by breaking them into shorter, clearer sentences to enhance readability.
  • Ensure subject-verb agreement, as seen in 'those child who can have everything' which should be 'those children who can have everything.'

Task Achievement6.0

The essay addresses both views of the prompt but leans heavily towards supporting the idea that children should be guided and disciplined rather than allowed to make their own choices. The writer provides examples and reasons, but the argument is not fully balanced, as the essay primarily supports one side. The conclusion aligns with the supported view, but the discussion of the opposing view lacks depth and equal weight.

Recommendations:

  • Ensure that both views are discussed with equal depth and clarity, providing balanced arguments for each side.
  • Provide more concrete examples and evidence for both sides to strengthen the argument and show a comprehensive understanding of the topic.
  • Clearly state your own opinion and ensure it is integrated throughout the essay, not just in the conclusion.
GRADED
6.0
Coherence and Cohesion:6.0
Lexical Resource:6.0
Grammatical Range:6.0
Task Achievement:6.0
Band Score:6.0
Coherence and Cohesion6
Logical structure6
Introduction & conclusion present6
Supported main points6
Accurate linking words6
Variety in linking words6

Lexical Resource6
Varied vocabulary6
Accurate spelling & word formation6

Grammatical Range6
Mix of complex & simple sentences6
Clear and correct grammar6

Task Achievement6
Complete response6
Clear & comprehensive ideas6
Relevant & specific examples6
Appropriate word count6