BAND 6.5 IELTS ESSAY SAMPLE: CAUSES AND SOLUTIONS FOR YOUTH UNEMPLOYMENT CRISIS

Explore the challenges faced by fresh graduates in securing stable jobs in our IELTS Band 6.5 essay sample. Dive into the root causes of these issues, from companies' increasing demand for highly-qualified staff to the financial concerns of the youth. Also, discover potential solutions such as apprenticeships and financial aid for new graduates. Gain insights into career preparation during university education for easier transition into the job market.

Writing Task

In many countries, young people are finding it difficult to secure stable employment after completing their education. What do you think are the main causes of this issue, and what measures can be taken to address the problem? Provide relevant examples from your own experience or knowledge to support your answer.

IELTS Writing Sample Essay with Band 6.0 Scoring and Feedback

It is believed that youngsters are struggling with finding a permanent job after their graduation from university. In this essay, reasons for this issue will be analyzed and persuasive solutions will be provided as well. To begin with, in the recent times, most of the companies are likely to employ high qualified staff, which can be considered as the foremost reason of why fresh graduates are challenging to find a stable job. In other words, since those youngsters ,who have completed university recently, do not acquired considerable skill related to their field of study and work, are not the first option for companies to be hired. Working in most companies require a convenient qualification. Moreover, financial stability and income is the second significant reason. Due to the fact that the majority of young people prefer to work in a place with high salary than low wages. Furthermore, these fresh graduates, who might have some university loans, demand for jobs which can briefly make their living easier. Working as an apprentice, is one of the probable solutions to the aforementioned problem. In fact, in this situation, they have this opportunity to master their required skills, so consequently they will find their appropriate job. In addiction, companies and governments should provide some subsidies for new graduates in order to support them financially during their working life. To illustrate, a company can fund quiet subvention box for these youngsters. To sum up,although salary and income should be examined as the most significant young people's concern, it is highly dependent on companies to pay them adequately. On the other hand, in my point of view, students should enroll on some courses so as at the end of their education, they have mastered those essential and principal skills.
Words: 293Paragraphs: 1
Submitted: 7/24/2023, 01:12 PM

Coherence And Cohesion6.0

The essay presents ideas in a logical order with a clear introduction and conclusion. However, there are instances where cohesion between sentences and paragraphs could be improved for better readability. Transitional phrases are used, but some are awkwardly placed, affecting the flow.

Recommendations:

  • Avoid overusing certain phrases or structures, such as 'in this essay,' which can disrupt the flow. Instead, integrate these ideas more naturally into the text.
  • Ensure that each paragraph has a clear main idea and that all sentences within the paragraph support this idea cohesively. For instance, the paragraph discussing financial stability could have been more tightly linked to the topic sentence.
  • Use a wider range of cohesive devices and linking words to improve the flow between ideas. For example, instead of 'Moreover, financial stability and income is the second significant reason,' consider using 'Another contributing factor is financial stability and income.'
  • Improve sentence structure to enhance cohesion. For example, the sentence 'Working as an apprentice, is one of the probable solutions to the aforementioned problem' could be restructured to 'One potential solution is for young people to work as apprentices.' This provides a clearer link to the previous paragraph.

Lexical Resource6.0

The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary with attempts to use some less common words and phrases, such as 'foremost reason', 'considerable skill', and 'financial stability'. However, there are instances of incorrect word choice and collocation errors, such as 'challenging to find', 'quiet subvention box', and 'addiction' instead of 'addition'. These issues can hinder the clarity and precision of the essay.

Recommendations:

  • Practice writing essays and focus on using synonyms to avoid repetition and demonstrate a wider lexical resource.
  • Improve vocabulary by learning and practicing the correct collocations and word combinations, such as 'struggling to find' instead of 'challenging to find'.
  • Expand the range of vocabulary by reading more academic texts and noting down useful phrases and expressions that are contextually appropriate.
  • Ensure accurate word choice by consulting a dictionary or thesaurus to confirm the meaning and usage of less common words before including them in the essay.

Grammatical Range5.0

The essay demonstrates a range of grammatical structures, including complex and compound sentences. However, there are several grammatical errors related to verb forms, subject-verb agreement, and punctuation, which affect clarity and coherence.

Recommendations:

  • Vary sentence structures more frequently to demonstrate a wider range of grammatical forms.
  • Ensure subject-verb agreement, for example, 'most companies require' instead of 'most companies require.'
  • Improve punctuation usage, especially with commas, to enhance sentence clarity, such as removing unnecessary commas in clauses.
  • Use articles correctly, for example, 'a high salary' instead of 'high salary.'
  • Correct verb tense and form errors, such as 'do not acquired' should be 'have not acquired.'

Task Achievement6.0

The essay addresses the task by identifying two main causes for the difficulty young people face in securing stable employment: the demand for high qualifications and financial expectations. It also suggests solutions like apprenticeships and financial support from companies and governments. The response is relevant to the prompt, although the analysis and examples provided could be more detailed and specific.

Recommendations:

  • Clarify and expand on the solutions, offering specific examples or case studies to illustrate how these solutions can be implemented effectively.
  • Provide more detailed analysis and examples for each cause and solution to demonstrate a deeper understanding of the issue.
  • Ensure that each point made is directly linked back to the task prompt to maintain clear focus on the task requirements.
GRADED
6.0
Coherence and Cohesion:6.0
Lexical Resource:6.0
Grammatical Range:5.0
Task Achievement:6.0
Band Score:6.0
Coherence and Cohesion6
Logical structure6
Introduction & conclusion present6
Supported main points6
Accurate linking words6
Variety in linking words6

Lexical Resource6
Varied vocabulary6
Accurate spelling & word formation6

Grammatical Range5
Mix of complex & simple sentences5
Clear and correct grammar5

Task Achievement6
Complete response6
Clear & comprehensive ideas6
Relevant & specific examples6
Appropriate word count6