BAND 6.5 IELTS ESSAY SAMPLE: BALANCING TECHNOLOGICAL ADVANCEMENTS AND SOCIAL ISSUES FOR COUNTRY'S DEVELOPMENT

Explore our IELTS essay sample with a 6.5 band score discussing the impact of technology on our lives and world economy. Understand the vital role government plays in technological investments and solving global social and economic issues. A perfect guide for IELTS test-takers.

Writing Task

Many people believe that investing in technologies and scientific research is a priority for a country's development, while others argue that it is more important to focus on addressing social issues such as poverty and unemployment. Discuss both views and give your own opinion. Provide examples from your own experience or knowledge to support your viewpoint.

IELTS Writing Sample Essay with Band 6.0 Scoring and Feedback

Technology has revolutionized the way we live. Annually, a great deal of money is spent on cuting edge technologies and scientific research in all over the world. While Some believe that governments should put their effort and budget in social and economic problems in first place ، others adhere to the idea that investment in new technologies can be prioritized to make progress. On the one hand, poverty and unemployment have considerably dominated in the world. People struggling with these issues require support from governments. They should provide job opportunities for their citizens and solve economic problems , such as inflation and financial recessions, to pave the way for people to make a living. Therefore, governments should mostly concentrat on social and economic issues and then pay attention to investing in technology. People living in advancing countries wrestle with enormous economic problems in spite of the fact that they have access to modern technology. Conversely, others believe that technology and science are the key factor to steer countries' economy, leading to progress economically and socially. Modern technological inventions can assess individuals to establish and grow companies and enhance their lives. The internet, for example, has had a massive impact on businesses. Entrepreneurs can promot their goods and services on the internet , so enlarge and expand their job and offer more employment opportunities. In conclusion, I strongly believe that governments should allocate enough budget to technological and scientific research to not only facilitie peopls' lives but olso improve economy in the world. I hope they provide more support to scientists and experts.
Words: 262Paragraphs: 3
Submitted: 7/19/2023, 07:29 PM

Coherence And Cohesion6.0

The essay presents a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs discussing both views, and a conclusion. However, there are some issues with the use of cohesive devices and linking words, which affect the flow of ideas and overall coherence.

Recommendations:

  • Use referencing words like 'this', 'these', 'such', and 'those' appropriately to refer back to previously mentioned ideas, enhancing cohesion.
  • Ensure consistent use of cohesive devices such as 'firstly', 'secondly', 'on the other hand', and 'in addition' to clearly signal shifts in argument and maintain logical progression.
  • Improve the use of linking words to connect ideas within paragraphs. For example, use 'furthermore' or 'moreover' to add points, and 'however' or 'nevertheless' to contrast ideas.
  • Avoid abrupt transitions between ideas by ensuring each paragraph has a clear topic sentence and logically follows from the previous one. For instance, the transition between discussing social issues and technology could be smoother by indicating a shift in perspective.

Lexical Resource6.0

The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary with some effective use of less common words such as 'revolutionized', 'cutting edge', and 'adhered'. However, there are noticeable errors in spelling ('cuting', 'concentrat', 'facilitie', 'peopls', 'olso') and word choice ('assess' instead of 'assist', 'promot' instead of 'promote') that detract from the overall lexical resource.

Recommendations:

  • Expand the range of vocabulary by incorporating more varied and precise lexical items to express ideas more clearly and effectively.
  • Pay attention to spelling errors and ensure words are correctly spelled to avoid undermining the clarity and accuracy of the essay.
  • Improve word choice accuracy by using a thesaurus or vocabulary lists to ensure correct usage of words in context, especially for words that sound similar but have different meanings.

Grammatical Range6.0

The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of grammatical structures, including complex sentences and passive voice. However, there are several grammatical errors that affect the clarity and accuracy of the writing, such as subject-verb agreement issues, incorrect word forms, and punctuation errors.

Recommendations:

  • Ensure consistent use of articles where necessary (e.g., 'in all over the world' should be 'all over the world').
  • Use a variety of sentence structures to enhance grammatical range, such as conditional sentences and more varied use of passive voice.
  • Pay attention to subject-verb agreement, especially in the use of singular and plural forms (e.g., 'cuting edge technologies' should be 'cutting-edge technologies').
  • Improve punctuation use, particularly with commas and conjunctions, to ensure clarity in complex sentences (e.g., 'in first place ، others adhere' should use a comma instead of an Arabic comma).
  • Focus on correct word forms and spelling to avoid errors such as 'concentrat' instead of 'concentrate' and 'facilitie' instead of 'facilitate'.

Task Achievement6.0

The essay addresses the task by discussing both views regarding investment in technology versus addressing social issues, and offers an opinion. However, the treatment of the views is somewhat unbalanced, with more emphasis placed on the importance of technology and science for economic and social progress. The essay provides examples, but they are limited and not well-developed, which affects the depth of the argument.

Recommendations:

  • Clarify your position in the conclusion by summarizing the key points from both perspectives before stating your opinion, to show a comprehensive understanding of the issue.
  • Ensure a balanced discussion by providing equal weight to both views. Expand on the arguments for addressing social issues with more detailed examples and explanations.
  • Develop examples further to strengthen the argument. For instance, provide more specific examples of how technology has directly improved economic conditions or how addressing poverty has led to societal improvements.
GRADED
6.0
Coherence and Cohesion:6.0
Lexical Resource:6.0
Grammatical Range:6.0
Task Achievement:6.0
Band Score:6.0
Coherence and Cohesion6
Logical structure6
Introduction & conclusion present6
Supported main points6
Accurate linking words6
Variety in linking words6
Lexical Resource6
Varied vocabulary6
Accurate spelling & word formation6
Grammatical Range6
Mix of complex & simple sentences6
Clear and correct grammar6
Task Achievement6
Complete response6
Clear & comprehensive ideas6
Relevant & specific examples6
Appropriate word count6
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