BAND 6.5 IELTS ESSAY SAMPLE: ASSESSING PERSONAL VS GOVERNMENT RESPONSIBILITY FOR HEALTH

Explore Band 6.5 IELTS essay sample on global health issues. Understand perspectives on individual responsibility and government role in healthcare. Improve your IELTS score with high-quality essay samples.

Writing Task

Some people argue that individuals should be held responsible for their poor health, while others believe that the government should bear the burden of providing healthcare for everyone. Discuss both views and give your own opinion. Support your answer with relevant examples and evidence.

IELTS Writing Sample Essay with Band 6.0 Scoring and Feedback

Health care is concerned as an essential global issue which is believed that people must take the lead to take care of themselves in order to not to end up in a n unhealthy situation. This is while others argue that the government must be the one in charge of people's good physical condition. There are several pros and cons in both views but it might be more reasonable if individuals try to be couscous about their own vigour rather than expecting the government to take care of every one and each and one of them. To begin with, providing a good health system is what all governments are obligated for by constructing more hospitals, evolving the health careservices or even occupying high educated medics, however, monitoring everyone, especially in populous countries, won't be easy. No matter how many specialist are working hard to help out people with their physical-related issues, there will never be sufficient time for them to handle everybody and as a result, the treatment quality will reduce in case of taking care of all patients.Therefore, it would be better if people try to undertake some responsibilities and be more serious through their body metabolism and function in order to remain healthy. In addition, if people put more effort on doing more exercise, leading a healthy lifestyle or taking annual full body check-up, the number of individuals in need of community care will drop significantly. Consequently, the financial matters in medical management will be influenced and the unnecessary expenditures wouldbe declined, which means governments can invest the money in other schemes to provide further facilities for societies. In conclusion, the duty of governments is inevitable to avoid, although the assistant of people with being more careful about their wellbeing by following some achievable tasks can make a huge impact on the management of medical care. That way, the consumption of both time and money will decrease, hence they can be spent on other projects.
Words: 327Paragraphs: 4
Submitted: 7/21/2023, 11:49 AM

Coherence And Cohesion6.0

The essay presents a clear discussion of both views regarding individual responsibility and governmental responsibility in healthcare. It maintains a logical sequence of ideas, with each paragraph focusing on a specific aspect of the argument. However, there are occasional issues with the clarity of connections between ideas and some awkward phrasing that can hinder coherence.

Recommendations:

  • Address awkward phrasing that can disrupt coherence, ensuring sentences are clear and logically connected.
  • Improve paragraph transitions to enhance the flow of ideas. Use linking words or phrases to clearly connect each paragraph to the next.
  • Clarify connections within paragraphs by using more cohesive devices, such as pronouns or synonyms, to refer back to previously mentioned ideas.

Lexical Resource6.0

The essay demonstrates a range of vocabulary relevant to the topic, but there are noticeable errors in word choice and usage that affect clarity and precision.

Recommendations:

  • Incorporate more varied and advanced vocabulary to demonstrate a higher level of lexical resource, such as 'healthcare infrastructure' instead of 'health careservices.'
  • Avoid using incorrect collocations like 'take the lead to take care of themselves' and instead use 'take responsibility for their own health.'
  • Use more precise terms instead of vague expressions like 'good physical condition' and 'vigour,' which could be replaced with 'health' or 'well-being.'
  • Ensure consistency in terminology, for example, consistently use 'healthcare' instead of switching between 'health care' and 'healthcare services.'
  • Improve word choice and usage by expanding vocabulary and understanding subtle differences in meaning between similar words.

Grammatical Range6.0

The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of grammatical structures, including complex sentences. However, there are several grammatical errors that affect clarity and coherence.

Recommendations:

  • Avoid run-on sentences by using proper punctuation, e.g., 'Therefore, it would be better if people try to undertake some responsibilities and be more serious through their body metabolism and function in order to remain healthy.' could be split for clarity.
  • Use articles correctly, e.g., 'a n unhealthy situation' should be 'an unhealthy situation.'
  • Correct preposition use, e.g., 'put more effort on doing more exercise' should be 'put more effort into doing more exercise.'
  • Improve sentence structure for clarity, e.g., 'There are several pros and cons in both views but it might be more reasonable if individuals try to be couscous about their own vigour' could be rephrased as 'While both views have pros and cons, it might be more reasonable for individuals to be cautious about their own health.'
  • Ensure subject-verb agreement, e.g., 'Health care is concerned as an essential global issue which is believed' should be 'Health care is considered an essential global issue, and it is believed.'

Task Achievement6.0

The essay addresses the task by discussing both views on whether individuals or the government should be responsible for healthcare. It also provides the writer's opinion, supporting the idea that individuals should take responsibility for their health. The essay includes some relevant examples and explanations, which align with the task prompt.

Recommendations:

  • Clarify the main argument in the introduction. The thesis statement could be more explicit in stating the writer's opinion and the structure of the essay.
  • Ensure that both sides of the argument are equally developed. The essay leans more towards supporting individual responsibility and could benefit from a more balanced discussion of the government's role.
  • Provide more specific examples and evidence to support the points made. For instance, mention specific government initiatives or statistics about healthcare systems to strengthen the argument.
  • Conclude with a clear summary of both views and reinforce the writer's opinion, ensuring that it logically follows from the discussion presented in the body paragraphs.
GRADED
6.0
Coherence and Cohesion:6.0
Lexical Resource:6.0
Grammatical Range:6.0
Task Achievement:6.0
Band Score:6.0
Coherence and Cohesion6
Logical structure6
Introduction & conclusion present6
Supported main points6
Accurate linking words6
Variety in linking words6
Lexical Resource6
Varied vocabulary6
Accurate spelling & word formation6
Grammatical Range6
Mix of complex & simple sentences6
Clear and correct grammar6
Task Achievement6
Complete response6
Clear & comprehensive ideas6
Relevant & specific examples6
Appropriate word count6
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