BAND 6.5 IELTS ESSAY SAMPLE: ANALYZING TECHNOLOGICAL ADVANCEMENTS EFFECTS ON QUALITY OF LIFE

Explore this insightful Band 6.5 IELTS essay sample discussing the pros and cons of technological advancements. From enhancing communication to providing online learning opportunities, technology has reshaped life as we know it. Discover the balance between technology addiction and the immense benefits it offers to a progressing society.

Writing Task

Some people believe that technological advancements have brought about more harm than good, while others argue that these advancements have significantly improved the quality of our lives. Discuss both views and give your own opinion. Support your answer with relevant examples from your experience or knowledge.

IELTS Writing Sample Essay with Band 6.0 Scoring and Feedback

Developments in technology and its impact on peoples life is considerable. Some individuals deem that the harm of these advancements is more than its good. In contrast, some people believe the quality of our lives has been increased due to this advancements. In my opinion, the benefits of this development which is incomparable to its harm have made life better. Technological developments can be both harmful and beneficial which is based on the way it has been utilized. In some cases, excessive use of technology have lead to addiction. When people get addicted to technology, they are no longer capable of living a life without technology. For example, they do not know how to entertain them self. In addition, people prefer to allow computers and programs do some basic tasks rather than doing it on their own which in long period makes them to forgot their abilities. There are number of reasons for which the quality of our lives have been improved. First of all, it have improved ways of communications in diverse kinds. As a result, individuals can easily communicate with their colleagues and relatives in different countries. Secondly, this improvement have increased peoples knowledge in all aspects. There are free educations and online learning methods on the internet due to the advances in technology. It has also provided a variety of employment opportunities. For instance, companies are willing to hire experts in technology and fulfill their needs. Overall, individuals should be aware of both good and bad influence of technology on their life. Despite of the bad habits caused by technology which can be controlled, the growth in technology can benefit and improve well being of a society.
Words: 280Paragraphs: 1
Submitted: 7/24/2023, 08:22 PM

Coherence And Cohesion6.0

The essay attempts to discuss both views regarding technological advancements and provides an opinion. It uses paragraphs to separate ideas, but lacks clear linking words and cohesive devices to smoothly connect sentences and paragraphs, affecting the overall flow and clarity of the argument.

Recommendations:

  • Use varied sentence structures to maintain cohesion and avoid monotony, such as combining short sentences into complex ones where appropriate.
  • Ensure each paragraph has a clear central idea and that each sentence within a paragraph supports this idea effectively.
  • Avoid repetition of ideas and phrases, such as repeating 'advancements' and 'improvements' without variation, to maintain reader interest and clarity.
  • Use linking words and phrases to connect ideas between sentences and paragraphs, such as 'however', 'on the other hand', 'furthermore', 'moreover', and 'in conclusion'.

Lexical Resource6.0

The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary with some attempts to use less common words and phrases. However, there are noticeable errors in word choice, form, and collocation that impact clarity and precision.

Recommendations:

  • Review and practice using less common lexical items accurately to improve sophistication, such as 'incomparable to its harm' could be expressed more precisely.
  • Improve word choice accuracy by learning the correct usage of common collocations and phrases, such as 'impact on people's lives' instead of 'impact on peoples life.'
  • Pay attention to plural forms and subject-verb agreement to avoid errors like 'this advancements' instead of 'these advancements.'
  • Expand vocabulary range to include more precise and varied expressions, particularly when discussing complex ideas, to enhance clarity and depth.

Grammatical Range6.0

The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of grammatical structures but contains several errors in subject-verb agreement, verb tense, and sentence structure.

Recommendations:

  • Avoid repetitive sentence structures, such as starting multiple sentences with 'There are' or 'It has.' Try to vary sentence openings to maintain reader interest.
  • Ensure consistent verb tense usage throughout the essay. For example, 'have lead to addiction' should be 'have led to addiction.'
  • Use complex sentence structures more effectively to enhance grammatical range. This can be achieved by combining sentences with relative clauses or using more varied conjunctions.
  • Improve subject-verb agreement, particularly in sentences where the subject is singular but the verb is plural, such as 'the harm of these advancements is more than its good' and 'this advancements.'

Task Achievement6.0

The essay addresses the task prompt by discussing both views on technological advancements and providing a personal opinion. It presents arguments for both the positive and negative impacts of technology and supports these points with examples.

Recommendations:

  • Ensure that all parts of the task are covered equally, with balanced discussion of both the advantages and disadvantages of technological advancements.
  • Ensure a clearer and more consistent expression of personal opinion throughout the essay. While the introduction and conclusion state a preference for the benefits of technology, this viewpoint should be more explicitly integrated into the discussion of both perspectives.
  • Provide more specific examples to support the arguments. For instance, when discussing addiction to technology, include examples of specific technologies that contribute to this issue.
  • Expand on the analysis of each point to better fulfill the task. For example, explain how improved communication and online learning specifically enhance quality of life.
GRADED
6.0
Coherence and Cohesion:6.0
Lexical Resource:6.0
Grammatical Range:6.0
Task Achievement:6.0
Band Score:6.0
Coherence and Cohesion6
Logical structure6
Introduction & conclusion present6
Supported main points6
Accurate linking words6
Variety in linking words6
Lexical Resource6
Varied vocabulary6
Accurate spelling & word formation6
Grammatical Range6
Mix of complex & simple sentences6
Clear and correct grammar6
Task Achievement6
Complete response6
Clear & comprehensive ideas6
Relevant & specific examples6
Appropriate word count6
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