BAND 6.5 IELTS ESSAY SAMPLE: ANALYZING TECHNOLOGICAL ADVANCEMENTS - BOON OR BANE?

Dive into a comprehensive band 6.5 IELTS essay sample discussing the merits and demerits of technology in our contemporary world. Explore views on unemployment, social issues, mental health, and the convenience brought by technological advancement. Ideal resource for IELTS preparation and enhancing English writing skills.

Writing Task

Some people believe that technological advancements have brought about more harm than good, while others argue that these advancements have significantly improved the quality of our lives. Discuss both views and give your own opinion. Support your answer with relevant examples from your experience or knowledge.

IELTS Writing Sample Essay with Band 6.0 Scoring and Feedback

In the contemporary era, technology has been an indispensable part of the world. There has been an ongoing argument on whether it is beneficial or harmful. Some individual claim that its demerits overwhelmingly greater that its advantages. While the other are in favor of this progress. From my own perspective, I am firmly in agreement with the latter one. In forthcoming paragraphs, i will discuss both sides of issue and providing reasonable support for my viewpoint. To begin with, those who are opponent with technology advancement argue that this trend enhances unemployment in the society. To elaborate, there are a substantial number of machines in every industry due to technology, by which companies are more incline to utilize these pieces instead of working labor. Consequently, lack of careers leads to major issues either economical or social. Furthermore, it is undoubtedly play a prominent role in increasing trend of mental problems. In details, presently, majority of population spend a great deal of their time involving in virtual world rather than actual world. So much so, it might take its roles in personal life and cause disturbance in family relations. In long term. it might be correlated with sense of isolation and depression. On the contrary,those who are in favor of technological advancement mention the convenience that is brought to human's life. In the past, crowds need to travel long distances to send messages, However, technology make it possible at a button click. It is also worth to mention that this progress reduce our carbon footprint,thus positively correlated with improving weather quality.Hence, it saves many lives in the whole world. It is an inevitable fact that smartphone provides an opportunity to make a call in emergency situation . To conclude, despite some undesirable influence on our life, the desirable impacts consideably greater than its downsides.
Words: 303Paragraphs: 1
Submitted: 7/20/2023, 01:07 PM

Coherence And Cohesion6.0

The essay presents a basic structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, attempting to address both views of the prompt. However, the coherence and cohesion are hindered by several issues, including abrupt transitions, lack of clear topic sentences, and inconsistent use of cohesive devices.

Recommendations:

  • Avoid repetition of phrases and ideas to maintain reader interest and focus on new points in each paragraph.
  • Ensure each paragraph has a clear topic sentence that outlines the main idea, providing a roadmap for the reader.
  • Enhance paragraph development by ensuring each paragraph fully develops a single idea before moving to the next.
  • Improve the logical flow of ideas by organizing arguments in a way that naturally progresses from one to the other, possibly using a point-counterpoint structure.
  • Improve the use of cohesive devices to link ideas smoothly between sentences and paragraphs, such as using conjunctions like 'however,' 'moreover,' or 'in addition.'

Lexical Resource6.0

The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary relevant to the topic, using some less common words and phrases effectively, such as "indispensable part," "virtual world," and "carbon footprint." There are attempts to use complex vocabulary, though not always accurately, leading to occasional awkwardness or incorrect usage, such as "opponent with technology advancement" and "crowds need to travel."

Recommendations:

  • Use a wider range of linking words and phrases to connect ideas more smoothly, such as "moreover," "in addition," and "on the other hand."
  • Expand your vocabulary further by learning synonyms and antonyms for common words, and practice using them in sentences to ensure accuracy.
  • Pay attention to word collocations to improve naturalness in expression, for example, use 'opponents of technological advancement' instead of 'opponent with technology advancement.'
  • Ensure that vocabulary is used accurately and appropriately in context to avoid awkwardness and maintain clarity. For example, revise phrases like "crowds need to travel" to "people needed to travel."

Grammatical Range5.0

The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of grammatical structures, including complex sentences and some correct use of passive and active voice. However, there are multiple grammatical errors that affect clarity and coherence, such as subject-verb agreement issues, incorrect article usage, and inconsistent verb tenses.

Recommendations:

  • Maintain consistent verb tense throughout the essay to improve clarity.
  • Correct sentence fragments, such as 'In long term. it might be...' to 'In the long term, it might be...'.
  • Use more varied sentence structures to enhance grammatical range, such as starting sentences in different ways and using more subordinating conjunctions.
  • Improve subject-verb agreement, for example, 'Some individual claim' should be 'Some individuals claim'.
  • Ensure correct use of articles, such as 'a substantial number of machines' instead of 'substantial number of machines'.

Task Achievement6.0

The essay addresses both views on technological advancements, as required by the prompt, and provides a clear opinion. The writer argues in favor of the positive impacts of technology, while acknowledging the negative aspects such as unemployment and mental health issues.

Recommendations:

  • Improve coherence by using more linking words and phrases to connect ideas and paragraphs smoothly, enhancing the overall flow of the essay.
  • Develop each viewpoint more thoroughly with specific examples and explanations to strengthen the argument. For instance, provide examples of industries where technology has replaced jobs, and specific technological advancements that have improved quality of life.
  • Clarify and expand on your own opinion in the conclusion. Reinforce why the positive impacts outweigh the negatives with more detailed reasoning.
  • Ensure that both views are given balanced attention. The argument in favor of technological advancements is less developed than the argument against it. Provide equal depth and detail to both sides.
GRADED
6.0
Coherence and Cohesion:6.0
Lexical Resource:6.0
Grammatical Range:5.0
Task Achievement:6.0
Band Score:6.0
Coherence and Cohesion6
Logical structure6
Introduction & conclusion present6
Supported main points6
Accurate linking words6
Variety in linking words6

Lexical Resource6
Varied vocabulary6
Accurate spelling & word formation6

Grammatical Range5
Mix of complex & simple sentences5
Clear and correct grammar5

Task Achievement6
Complete response6
Clear & comprehensive ideas6
Relevant & specific examples6
Appropriate word count6