BAND 6.5 IELTS ESSAY SAMPLE: AFFORDABLE HOUSING SOLUTIONS FOR YOUNG ADULTS - GOVERNMENT'S ROLE IN HOUSING PRICE CRISIS

Explore a band 6.5 score IELTS essay sample discussing the government's role in providing affordable housing. Discover key insights on fostering patriotism and stimulating economical growth through financial aids for housing, potentially increasing the marriage rate. Ideal for IELTS aspirants and those studying government policies related to housing and economics.

Writing Task

In many countries, owning a home has become increasingly difficult for young adults, as housing prices continue to rise. Some people argue that governments should provide affordable housing to help young adults purchase their first property. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement? Provide your opinion and support it with relevant examples from your own experience or knowledge.

IELTS Writing Sample Essay with Band 6.0 Scoring and Feedback

Whether it is governments' responsibility to facilitate buying a property for adults or not is said to be a controversial subject of intense debate. This notion seems to be confirmed on account of increasing the sense of royalty and patriotism among youngsters as well as encouraging them to get married and form a family. Helping those who are at the age of marriage with financial aid or cheaper housing, on the one hand, would rise adults' fidelity toward their governments inasmuch as such an action would assure them that their government would support them in diverse situations and provide them with their essential needs. As a result of this increased patriotism, adults would remain loyal to their country and their unconditional efforts would lead their country to thrive economically. Moreover, such a desirable measure would increase the number of marriages. this claim stems from the fact that unaffordable housing expenses are the most prominent obstacles which lead to adults' unwillingness toward getting married. Besides, to do so, avoid private sector from imposing shear costs on young generation when they want to grant loans to them and would result in decrement of interest rates of this sector. Therefore, the more governments ease the buying-house process, the more adults would decide to get married. In conclusion, elevating the sense of loyalty among adults and increasing the rate of marriage among them are key factors behind affirming the fact that governments had better to shoulder the responsibility for providing young adults with affordable housing.
Words: 251Paragraphs: 1
Submitted: 7/23/2023, 11:13 AM

Coherence And Cohesion6.0

The essay has a clear central argument regarding government responsibility in providing affordable housing to young adults, but there are issues with paragraph transitions and logical progression of ideas. Some ideas are not fully developed or connected smoothly, which affects the overall cohesion.

Recommendations:

  • Use consistent referencing to connect sentences and ideas. For instance, when referring to previous points, use pronouns or synonyms to maintain cohesion.
  • Improve paragraph transitions by using linking words or phrases to ensure a smooth flow of ideas between paragraphs and sections. For example, use phrases like 'Furthermore,' 'In addition,' or 'Consequently' to connect ideas logically.
  • Enhance logical progression within paragraphs by ensuring each sentence logically follows the previous one, building on the same idea or theme. This can be achieved by explicitly stating how each point supports the main argument.

Lexical Resource6.0

The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary with some attempts at using less common words and phrases. However, there are instances of awkward word choice and incorrect word forms, which affect clarity and precision.

Recommendations:

  • Incorporate a wider range of synonyms to avoid repetition, such as varying the use of 'adults' with 'young people' or 'young adults.'
  • Use more precise vocabulary to clearly express ideas, such as replacing 'royalty' with 'loyalty' to accurately convey the intended meaning.
  • Avoid using phrases that are not commonly used in English, such as 'shear costs,' and replace them with more appropriate terms like 'exorbitant costs' or 'excessive costs.'
  • Ensure correct word forms are used; for example, 'decrement' should be 'decrease' or 'reduction' to fit the context.
  • Clarify complex sentences by using simpler language or breaking them into shorter sentences to improve readability and comprehension.

Grammatical Range5.0

The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of grammatical structures, including complex sentences and passive voice. However, there are several grammatical errors that affect clarity and coherence, such as incorrect use of articles, verb forms, and punctuation errors.

Recommendations:

  • Use more varied sentence structures to enhance the grammatical range, such as conditional sentences or more varied complex sentence structures.
  • Review the use of articles ('the', 'a', 'an') to ensure they are used correctly, particularly in phrases like 'governments' responsibility' and 'the sense of royalty and patriotism.'
  • Ensure verb forms are correct, such as 'would rise adults' fidelity' which should be 'would raise adults' fidelity.'
  • Improve punctuation use, especially in separating clauses and sentences. For example, 'Moreover, such a desirable measure would increase the number of marriages. this claim stems...' should have 'This' capitalized and can be connected for better flow.

Task Achievement6.0

The essay addresses the prompt by discussing the role of governments in providing affordable housing to young adults. It presents two main arguments: enhancing young adults' loyalty and increasing marriage rates, supporting the idea that governments should intervene. However, the essay lacks a clear stance on the extent of agreement or disagreement with the statement, and the examples provided are somewhat general rather than specific.

Recommendations:

  • Provide specific examples from personal experience or knowledge to support your arguments. This will strengthen your position and make your arguments more convincing.
  • Ensure that all parts of the task are addressed. Discuss both sides of the argument, if possible, to show a balanced understanding of the issue.
  • Clearly state your position on the issue - whether you agree or disagree, and to what extent. This should be evident in the introduction and reinforced in the conclusion.
GRADED
6.0
Coherence and Cohesion:6.0
Lexical Resource:6.0
Grammatical Range:5.0
Task Achievement:6.0
Band Score:6.0
Coherence and Cohesion6
Logical structure6
Introduction & conclusion present6
Supported main points6
Accurate linking words6
Variety in linking words6
Lexical Resource6
Varied vocabulary6
Accurate spelling & word formation6
Grammatical Range5
Mix of complex & simple sentences5
Clear and correct grammar5
Task Achievement6
Complete response6
Clear & comprehensive ideas6
Relevant & specific examples5
Appropriate word count6
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