BAND 6.5 IELTS ESSAY SAMPLE: ADDRESSING WEALTH GAP THROUGH CORPORATE INVESTMENTS IN POORER REGIONS

Explore our Band 6.5 IELTS essay sample discussing investment solutions for poverty-stricken areas. Discover reasons for and against boosting economies in developing countries and the challenges they face.

Writing Task

In many countries, the gap between rich and poor is increasing, leading to numerous social problems. Some people believe that if more emphasis were placed on encouraging companies to invest in poorer areas, the gap would be reduced. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this view? Provide reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

IELTS Writing Sample Essay with Band 6.0 Scoring and Feedback

The gap between the rich and the poor is on the rise and for that reason, some are of the view that more investment should be made in less priviledged areas as it can help to narrow the gap and avoid social_related challanges. Although this belief seems to be logical in a sense, I do not agree with it for a number of reasons. Developing countries are dealing with poverty_related problems such as starvation, malnutrition, and lack of shlte. According to a recent study, almost 50% of people in middle east suffer from lack of vitamines and mineral that are attributed to poverty. Thus, building new companies in poor nations can boost the economy and help citizens makes ends meet. set against this is the fact that the investment of comoanies in poor countries is not an easy task. Firstly, most nations in need of money do not have the required structure for businesses meaning that millions of dollars should be dedicated to this issue. Secondly, the construction of new companies, shops, appropriate airports and terminals for export and import of goods can take year which delays early profit. Lastly, poor countries have no trained workforce which means that more money should be given only to train workers and help them earn money. Finally, I do not believe that investement in poor countries is a practical measure. More inportantly, it does not solve the isue in the short term and requires a huge amount of money that makes investment a less tentative option for investors.
Words: 255Paragraphs: 4
Submitted: 7/22/2023, 08:53 PM

Coherence And Cohesion6.0

The essay presents a clear position on the issue and is organized into distinct paragraphs, each dealing with a specific aspect of the argument. However, there are some issues with the logical flow and connection between ideas, which affects the overall coherence and cohesion.

Recommendations:

  • Check for consistency in terminology and spelling, such as 'investment' and 'investement', to avoid confusion.
  • Improve paragraph transitions by using linking words or phrases to connect ideas more smoothly, such as 'on the other hand' or 'however' to contrast points.
  • Ensure each paragraph has a clear topic sentence that outlines the main idea, and maintain focus on that idea throughout the paragraph.
  • Use more cohesive devices within paragraphs to link sentences together, such as 'furthermore', 'in addition', and 'for example' to enhance clarity.

Lexical Resource6.0

The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary with some attempts to use less common words and phrases related to the topic, such as 'privileged areas', 'boost the economy', and 'trained workforce'. However, there are several spelling errors ('priviledged', 'challanges', 'shlte', 'vitamines', 'comoanies', 'inportantly', 'isue', 'tentative'), which detract from the overall lexical resource. Additionally, there is some repetition of words like 'poor', and the use of collocations could be improved to enhance the precision and variety of expression.

Recommendations:

  • Work on improving collocations and phrases to enhance the naturalness of the language. For instance, 'social-related challenges' could be 'social challenges' or 'social issues'.
  • Practice using more precise and topic-specific vocabulary to convey ideas more clearly and effectively, such as 'economic disparity' instead of 'gap between rich and poor'.}]}]} Overall, the essay would benefit from a more varied and accurate use of lexical resources to improve clarity and coherence.
  • Ensure accurate spelling of words to avoid errors that can impact clarity and professionalism. Use spell-check tools or proofreading to catch mistakes like 'priviledged' (privileged) and 'challanges' (challenges).
  • Expand the range of vocabulary by incorporating more synonyms and varied expressions to avoid repetition, especially with common words like 'poor' and 'money'.

Grammatical Range6.0

The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of grammatical structures, including complex sentences and various tenses. However, there are noticeable grammatical errors such as incorrect verb forms, subject-verb agreement issues, and typographical errors that impact the overall clarity and precision of the writing.

Recommendations:

  • Utilize a wider range of sentence structures, such as conditional sentences and passive voice, to enhance grammatical range.
  • Review subject-verb agreement rules to ensure that singular subjects have singular verbs and plural subjects have plural verbs.
  • Ensure correct verb forms are used, particularly in complex sentences. For example, 'set against this is the fact that the investment of comoanies in poor countries is not an easy task' could be rephrased for clarity.
  • Be cautious with typographical errors, such as 'priviledged' instead of 'privileged', 'shlte' instead of 'shelter', 'vitamines' instead of 'vitamins', 'comoanies' instead of 'companies', 'inportantly' instead of 'importantly', and 'isue' instead of 'issue'.

Task Achievement6.0

The essay addresses the prompt by discussing both sides of the argument regarding investment in poorer areas to reduce the wealth gap. The writer presents a clear position of disagreement with the proposed solution, providing reasons and examples to support their viewpoint. However, the task achievement could be improved by more comprehensively addressing the prompt's requirement to consider the extent of agreement or disagreement, and by providing a more balanced discussion of the opposing view.

Recommendations:

  • Include specific examples or evidence to support the points about the impracticality of investment, such as citing specific countries or situations where investment has not been effective.
  • Address any potential counterarguments to strengthen your position and show a comprehensive understanding of the topic.
  • Ensure that the essay clearly indicates the extent to which you agree or disagree with the given statement. This can be done by explicitly stating your stance in the introduction and conclusion.
  • Provide a more balanced discussion by elaborating on the potential benefits of investing in poorer areas, even if you ultimately disagree with this approach. This will demonstrate a thorough understanding of the issue.
GRADED
6.0
Coherence and Cohesion:6.0
Lexical Resource:6.0
Grammatical Range:6.0
Task Achievement:6.0
Band Score:6.0
Coherence and Cohesion6
Logical structure6
Introduction & conclusion present6
Supported main points6
Accurate linking words6
Variety in linking words6
Lexical Resource6
Varied vocabulary6
Accurate spelling & word formation5
Grammatical Range6
Mix of complex & simple sentences6
Clear and correct grammar6
Task Achievement6
Complete response6
Clear & comprehensive ideas6
Relevant & specific examples6
Appropriate word count6
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