BAND 6.0 IELTS ESSAY SAMPLE: YOUNG CHILDREN'S EDUCATION - SCHOOL ATTENDANCE VERSUS HOME TIME

Explore our Band 6.0 IELTS essay sample discussing the importance of early school attendance for children versus family time. Dive into insights on children's development, social skills, and the impact of the family environment. Learn about the balance between academic education and parental love.

Writing Task

Some people believe that it is important for young children to attend school, while others think that they should spend more time with their family at home. Discuss both views and give your own opinion. Provide relevant examples and reasons to support your answer.

IELTS Writing Sample Essay with Band 6.0 Scoring and Feedback

There are two different views on the importance of attending school for young children. The first group believe that it is important for kids to go to school from an early age. Both perspectives will be discussed in detail. However, the other one asserts that it is crucial for kids to be with their families at that age. I strongly agree with the second group since we are witnesses of the disappearing concept of family in the modern world. On the one hand, people assume children would be able to learn more skills and abilities through going to school earlier. that is, in the school framework children are taught by more qualified individuals who are provided to communicate with children through the best way. Take social skills as an example; this group of people asserts that children will learn social skills in proper environment with their peers and teachers which parents are unable to provide their kids with this dynamic atmosphere. on the other hand, since there are some basic needs that only parents are likely to provide for their kids, children should spend specific years with their parents in the family environment. For instance, children need parents' attention and love. Otherwise, the lack of parental love will stay with them and they tend to seek that over their entire life which has several adverse effects on families and the concept of family. Moreover, children should be prepared at their paternal home for bigger society like schools. Since schools are less flexible children would face severe problems if they were not ready to attend. To conclude, although attending school and being taught by qualified teachers play a vital role in the life of any person, I believe there should be a specific time for starting school and before that children should learn basic things in a more free and loving environment like home, schools are too strict for young children.
Words: 320Paragraphs: 4
Submitted: 7/26/2023, 08:40 PM

Coherence And Cohesion6.0

The essay presents a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs discussing both views, and a conclusion. However, the overall coherence suffers due to abrupt transitions and lack of clear connections between ideas. The use of cohesive devices is inconsistent, which affects the fluidity of the essay.

Recommendations:

  • Use pronouns and referencing words effectively to avoid repetition and create a smoother reading experience. For instance, instead of repeating 'children' multiple times, use 'they' once the subject is clear.
  • Improve the use of cohesive devices such as conjunctions and linking words to enhance the logical flow between sentences and paragraphs. For example, use phrases like 'On the other hand,' 'Furthermore,' or 'In addition' consistently to connect ideas.
  • Ensure each paragraph has a clear topic sentence that introduces the main idea, followed by supporting sentences. This will help in maintaining a logical progression of ideas.
  • Clarify the introduction by clearly stating that both views will be discussed, and integrate your opinion more seamlessly into the overall discussion rather than stating it abruptly.

Lexical Resource6.0

The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary with some attempts to use less common words and phrases. However, there are instances of repetition and a few inaccuracies in word choice and formality that affect clarity and precision.

Recommendations:

  • Ensure formal language is consistently used throughout the essay, replacing informal phrases like 'kids' with 'children.'
  • Expand vocabulary by learning synonyms and different word forms to avoid repetition, such as using 'perspective' and 'viewpoint' interchangeably.
  • Incorporate more precise and varied vocabulary to describe ideas, for example, instead of 'disappearing concept of family,' consider 'the erosion of traditional family structures.'
  • Avoid incorrect word forms and usage, such as 'that is' which can be replaced with 'for instance' or 'for example' for clarity.

Grammatical Range6.0

The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of grammatical structures, including complex sentences and various tenses. However, there are some grammatical inaccuracies, such as incorrect use of articles, inconsistent capitalization, and punctuation errors that impact the clarity and coherence of the writing.

Recommendations:

  • Vary sentence structures further by incorporating more conditional and passive voice constructions to show a wider range of grammatical competence.
  • Pay attention to capitalization rules, especially at the beginning of sentences and for proper nouns.
  • Ensure correct use of articles ('a', 'an', 'the') throughout the essay to improve precision.
  • Review and correct punctuation usage, particularly with complex sentences, to enhance readability.

Task Achievement6.0

The essay addresses the task prompt by discussing both views regarding whether young children should attend school or spend more time with their family. It provides a clear opinion favoring the latter view. The essay offers some relevant reasons and examples to support each perspective, although the balance and depth of discussion can be improved.

Recommendations:

  • Clarify the opinion in the introduction to align with the body paragraphs. The opinion is somewhat clear, but it could be more explicitly stated from the beginning.
  • Use more varied examples to support the argument. For example, when discussing the family environment, consider including examples of emotional and developmental benefits beyond love and attention.
  • Ensure both sides of the argument are equally developed to provide a balanced discussion. Currently, the essay leans more heavily on the benefits of staying at home with family.
  • Expand on the reasons provided for each perspective. For instance, when discussing the importance of school, include more specific examples of skills learned and their long-term benefits.
GRADED
6.0
Coherence and Cohesion:6.0
Lexical Resource:6.0
Grammatical Range:6.0
Task Achievement:6.0
Band Score:6.0
Coherence and Cohesion6
Logical structure6
Introduction & conclusion present6
Supported main points6
Accurate linking words6
Variety in linking words6

Lexical Resource6
Varied vocabulary6
Accurate spelling & word formation6

Grammatical Range6
Mix of complex & simple sentences6
Clear and correct grammar6

Task Achievement6
Complete response6
Clear & comprehensive ideas6
Relevant & specific examples6
Appropriate word count6