BAND 6.0 IELTS ESSAY SAMPLE: INCREASING USE OF PRIVATE CARS: IMPACT ON SOCIETY AND ENVIRONMENT

Explore an IELTS essay sample about the environmental and societal impact of extensive private car usage. Learn arguments on carbon dioxide emissions, traffic congestion, and health issues tied to air pollution, with tips for governmental intervention to improve public transportation.

Writing Task

In many countries, the use of private cars is increasing every year. Despite the benefits of personal transportation, there is an argument that this trend is causing more harm than good to society and the environment. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement? Discuss your view and provide relevant examples from your experience or knowledge.

IELTS Writing Sample Essay with Band 6.0 Scoring and Feedback

Despite the advantages of using private cars which are rising using of it, it has many negative effects on society and the environment. In my opinion, using personal transportation leads to emitting toxic gasses and heavy traffic jam in the streets. The main problem of overuse of private cars is emission dioxide carbon. In fact, despite introducing electrical cars, there are many cars that are consuming fossil fuels. Many nations across the world produce e-cars and hydro cars but because of the price of petrol, people tend to use their private cars. For example, in may country Iran, the price of fossil fuels are cheaper than the price of water, so many people prefer to drive their cars instead of public transportation. The other reason that state using of private cars is harmful for environment and society is traffic jam. In fact, people should be encouraged by the government to using public transportation system. It can be reduced crowd in streets and it leads to having fresh air. The air pollution is a major problem in the worldwide and many countries are faced with. For example, studies show that people suffer many illnesses that they are related to air pollution. I recommend that the governments can increase the price of petrol and they should improve public transportation system or create a space for cycling. In conclusion, using of personal transportation can be led to many problems and the governments should encourage people to using subways or buses for their trip and the governments also should increase the price of petrol.
Words: 260Paragraphs: 1
Submitted: 7/20/2023, 01:47 PM

Coherence And Cohesion6.0

The essay presents a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, which aids in maintaining coherence. However, the cohesion between ideas and sentences could be improved. Transitions between sentences and paragraphs are sometimes abrupt, and the use of cohesive devices is inconsistent, leading to a somewhat disjointed reading experience.

Recommendations:

  • Avoid repetition of ideas by using synonyms or rephrasing sentences to maintain interest and coherence.
  • Use more linking words and phrases to connect sentences and paragraphs smoothly. For example, words like 'furthermore', 'moreover', and 'however' can help in maintaining a logical flow.
  • Ensure each paragraph has a clear central idea and that sentences within the paragraph are clearly linked to this main idea. This will help in maintaining paragraph cohesion.
  • Improve the logical sequence of ideas to enhance coherence. For instance, the introduction of new ideas should be clearly linked to previous statements to maintain the reader's understanding.

Lexical Resource6.0

The essay demonstrates a basic range of vocabulary with some attempts at using less common words, but there are frequent errors in word choice and word formation that hinder clarity and precision.

Recommendations:

  • Expand your vocabulary range by learning synonyms and different word forms to avoid repetition, such as using 'emissions' instead of 'emitting toxic gasses'.
  • Use collocations and phrases correctly, such as 'traffic congestion' instead of 'traffic jam' to sound more natural and precise.
  • Improve word choice accuracy by practicing with vocabulary exercises focused on environmental and societal topics, ensuring words like 'dioxide carbon' are correctly used as 'carbon dioxide'.
  • Incorporate more precise and varied language to describe cause and effect, such as 'contributes to' or 'leads to' instead of repetitive phrases like 'can be led to many problems'.

Grammatical Range5.0

The essay demonstrates a basic range of grammatical structures, including simple and complex sentences, but there are frequent errors in sentence construction, verb forms, and article usage. These errors sometimes obscure meaning and affect the clarity of the argument.

Recommendations:

  • Use articles correctly, as in 'the emission of carbon dioxide' instead of 'emission dioxide carbon.'
  • Vary sentence structures by incorporating more complex sentences and using conjunctions appropriately to link ideas smoothly.
  • Practice correct use of modal verbs, such as 'should use' instead of 'should be encouraged by the government to using.'
  • Improve sentence construction by ensuring subject-verb agreement and correct verb tense usage. For example, 'is rising using of it' should be 'the increasing use of private cars.'
  • Pay attention to prepositions and correct usage, such as 'in my country' instead of 'in may country.'

Task Achievement6.0

The essay addresses the prompt by acknowledging both the benefits and drawbacks of private car usage, ultimately arguing that the negative impacts outweigh the benefits. The writer presents two main arguments: increased carbon emissions and traffic congestion, supporting these points with examples, particularly from the writer's own country, Iran.

Recommendations:

  • Enhance the depth of the argument by providing more detailed examples or data to support claims, such as statistics on traffic congestion or specific environmental impacts.
  • Incorporate a wider range of examples or perspectives, possibly from other countries, to strengthen the argument and demonstrate a broader understanding of the issue.
  • Ensure a clear stance is maintained throughout the essay. While the introduction suggests a balanced view, the body paragraphs predominantly highlight the negative aspects. Clarify whether you fully agree or partially agree/disagree with the statement.
  • Provide a more balanced discussion by acknowledging some benefits of private car usage, as the prompt asks to discuss both sides before presenting your view.
GRADED
6.0
Coherence and Cohesion:6.0
Lexical Resource:6.0
Grammatical Range:5.0
Task Achievement:6.0
Band Score:6.0
Coherence and Cohesion6
Logical structure6
Introduction & conclusion present6
Supported main points6
Accurate linking words6
Variety in linking words6
Lexical Resource6
Varied vocabulary6
Accurate spelling & word formation6
Grammatical Range5
Mix of complex & simple sentences5
Clear and correct grammar5
Task Achievement6
Complete response6
Clear & comprehensive ideas6
Relevant & specific examples6
Appropriate word count6
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