BAND 6.0 IELTS ESSAY SAMPLE: IMPACT OF TECHNOLOGY ON INTERPERSONAL COMMUNICATION - A COMPREHENSIVE ANALYSIS

Explore Band 6.0 IELTS essay samples discussing the pros and cons of technological advancement in communication. Understand the significant benefits and potential pitfalls of online communication, social networking, and uses of smart devices in a fast-paced digital world. Enhance IELTS preparation with comprehensive essay examples and insights.

Writing Task

Some people believe that technological advancements are negatively affecting interpersonal communication, while others argue that technology has improved communication. Discuss both views and give your own opinion. Support your answer with relevant examples and explanations.

IELTS Writing Sample Essay with Band 6.0 Scoring and Feedback

In temporary life, the advances in technology have brought a major improvement in human's living standard, that can be seen in a paradigm shift in the way people communicate. Despite of the many demerits that may derive from this argument, I firmly believe that the resultant advantages would be definitely profound. This essay will discuss both points of the view before giving an appropriate conclusion. Admittedly, skeptics may argue that technological development bring some disadvantage to human. Firstly, there could be high risk of being cheated when people communicate through the Internet. In fact, the media has revealed a myriad of cases that people are stolen a huge amount of money when chatting with friends through social networking sites. Secondly, when communicating with others through sending messages or video calls, people could become different with how they really are. In deed, some people are cruelty and unreliable could act like an adorable and reliable in the Internet Nevertheless, in spite of the issues above, the effects that the development of technology has had in our live have clearly advantages. One of the predominant merits is that by using smart devices such as mobile phones or tablets, people, especially elders now can easily keep in contact with their family members regardless of geography distance. In fact, before the invention of such devices, sending a message requires physical transport, which wastes unnecessary money, effort and time. Secondly, the Internet has offered an effective and efficient way for people to communicate with other. Social networking sites, for instant, has been a platform where people can instantly get an international friend or even professional connections, which eventually promotes better social behaviors and strengthens social connections. in conclusion, through the decade of technological development, human have received a myriad of its advantages, especially in communication by smart device and the convenience of the Internet.
Words: 309Paragraphs: 1
Submitted: 7/26/2023, 09:50 AM

Coherence And Cohesion6.0

The essay demonstrates a basic level of coherence and cohesion. The ideas are generally organized logically, with an introduction, two main body paragraphs discussing both views, and a conclusion. However, the transitions between ideas and within paragraphs could be smoother. Some sentences and ideas are not clearly connected, which affects the overall flow of the essay.

Recommendations:

  • Consider using referencing words (e.g., 'this,' 'these,' 'such') to refer back to ideas mentioned in previous sentences, which will help in maintaining cohesion.
  • Use more linking words and phrases to improve the flow between sentences and paragraphs. For example, phrases like 'On one hand,' 'On the other hand,' 'Additionally,' and 'Moreover' can help guide the reader through the argument.
  • Ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence that outlines the main idea of the paragraph. This will help in maintaining a clear structure and coherence.
  • Avoid abrupt shifts in ideas or arguments without proper transitions. For instance, the transition from discussing disadvantages to advantages could be smoother with a linking sentence.

Lexical Resource6.0

The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary related to the topic of technology and communication, with some attempts at using less common lexical items. However, there are occasional errors in word choice and word form that affect clarity and precision.

Recommendations:

  • Incorporate more varied vocabulary to discuss advantages and disadvantages, moving beyond 'advantages' and 'disadvantages' to terms like 'benefits,' 'drawbacks,' 'pros,' and 'cons.'
  • Improve word choice by using more precise and contextually appropriate vocabulary. For example, replace 'temporary life' with 'contemporary life' and 'paradigm shift' with 'significant change' to better fit the context.
  • Pay attention to collocations and fixed expressions. For instance, 'a myriad of cases' is correct, but 'are stolen a huge amount of money' should be 'have had a huge amount of money stolen from them.'
  • Avoid repetition of words and phrases. Use synonyms or paraphrasing to enhance lexical resource. For example, instead of repeating 'social networking sites,' use alternatives like 'online platforms' or 'digital networks.'
  • Correct errors in word form and grammar that affect lexical precision, such as 'human's living standard' (should be 'humans' living standards') and 'geography distance' (should be 'geographical distance').

Grammatical Range5.0

The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of grammatical structures, including complex sentences and varied sentence types. However, there are several grammatical errors that affect clarity and coherence.

Recommendations:

  • Improve subject-verb agreement, for example, replacing 'bring' with 'brings' in 'technological development bring some disadvantage.'
  • Correct prepositional errors, such as 'despite of' which should be 'despite.'
  • Ensure proper use of articles, such as using 'a' or 'the' correctly, for instance, 'a paradigm shift' instead of 'paradigm shift.'
  • Enhance verb tense consistency, as seen with 'are stolen' which should be 'have been stolen' to match the context.
  • Avoid incorrect word forms, for example, 'cruelty' should be 'cruel' in 'some people are cruelty.'
  • Improve sentence clarity by avoiding run-on sentences, such as breaking down 'In fact, before the invention of such devices, sending a message requires physical transport, which wastes unnecessary money, effort and time.' into more concise sentences.

Task Achievement6.0

The essay addresses the prompt by discussing both views of the impact of technology on communication and provides an opinion. While the essay offers relevant examples and explanations, it lacks depth in exploring the negative impacts and could be more balanced in presenting both sides before concluding with the writer's opinion.

Recommendations:

  • Use more varied and precise vocabulary to articulate the advantages and disadvantages of technology in communication.
  • Ensure a more balanced discussion by providing more detailed examples and explanations for the negative impacts of technology on communication.
  • Clarify the opinion more explicitly throughout the essay, especially in the introduction and conclusion, to enhance clarity and coherence.
GRADED
6.0
Coherence and Cohesion:6.0
Lexical Resource:6.0
Grammatical Range:5.0
Task Achievement:6.0
Band Score:6.0
Coherence and Cohesion6
Logical structure6
Introduction & conclusion present6
Supported main points6
Accurate linking words6
Variety in linking words6
Lexical Resource6
Varied vocabulary6
Accurate spelling & word formation6
Grammatical Range5
Mix of complex & simple sentences5
Clear and correct grammar5
Task Achievement6
Complete response6
Clear & comprehensive ideas6
Relevant & specific examples6
Appropriate word count6
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