BAND 6.0 IELTS ESSAY SAMPLE: GLOBALIZATION VS TRADITIONAL CULTURES - A COMPREHENSIVE ANALYSIS

Explore a comprehensive band 6.0 score IELTS essay sample discussing the implications of globalization on traditional cultures. This analysis provides insights on both the positive and negative impacts, delving into the loss of cultural traditions, reliance on the internet for cultural preservation, and how some manage to maintain their unique identities amidst globalization. A must-read for understanding the cultural effects of a rapidly advancing interconnected world.

Writing Task

In today's world, some people argue that traditional cultures are getting lost due to the rapid advancement of globalization. Others claim that societies are still able to maintain and celebrate their unique cultural identities. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion on this issue. Provide relevant examples and data to support your answer.

IELTS Writing Sample Essay with Band 5.0 Scoring and Feedback

Recently, people blame that fast advancement of interconnected world cause negative impacts on traditional cultures. As a result, they are furious about this. For example, in Vietnam, when they cannot celebrate their old cultures, they start to get angry and complain this with the government. While, people can celebrate and control their special cultural identities by having a feast at home. This essay will elaborate on both positive and negative impacts of this topic and thus will lead to a logical conclusion. The rapid development of globalization is the main reason that traditional cultures are at risk. Firstly, in most countries, they will not be able to have special events with their families or relatives. For example, they cannot have Thanksgiving . Secondly, because of the loss in traditional cultures, the majority of people will not have a lot of knowledge about this kind of cultures. As a result, they have to search for more informations on the Internet. Finally, the minority of cultures are not necessary so the governments decide to abandon this culture. Several people can still celebrate and maintain their unique culture identifies for a handful of reasons. They have been living in their home countries for many years and getting used to their own culture such as saying thank you to the guests at home after inviting them for tea. In addition, because their parents help them with adapting to the culture a lot, they are able to know how to keep their culture instead of losing it. In conclusion, I think losing traditional cultures are not good for every nations since it helps everyone to get better.
Words: 272Paragraphs: 4
Submitted: 7/18/2023, 03:10 PM

Coherence And Cohesion5.0

The essay attempts to address both views on the impact of globalization on traditional cultures, but the coherence and cohesion are hindered by abrupt transitions and unclear connections between ideas. The introduction mentions a Vietnamese example without clear linkage to the main argument, and the paragraphs lack clear topic sentences that guide the reader through the discussion. Additionally, the conclusion does not effectively summarize the key points discussed in the body paragraphs.

Recommendations:

  • Conclude with a summary that effectively encapsulates the main points discussed in the essay, reinforcing your opinion.
  • Use transition words and phrases to clearly indicate the relationship between ideas and sections of the essay.
  • Provide clear and logical progression of ideas within paragraphs to enhance readability and understanding.
  • Ensure each paragraph has a clear topic sentence that introduces the main idea and logically connects to the thesis statement.

Lexical Resource5.0

The essay demonstrates an attempt to use a range of vocabulary relevant to the topic of globalization and cultural identity. However, there are noticeable issues with word choice and collocations, leading to awkward or unclear expressions. The vocabulary used is somewhat limited and repetitive, impacting the overall clarity and precision of the essay.

Recommendations:

  • Pay attention to collocations and fixed expressions. For example, 'blame that fast advancement' should be 'blame the rapid advancement.'
  • Avoid repetition of phrases like 'traditional cultures' by using synonyms or rephrasing, such as 'heritage' or 'cultural practices.'
  • Work on using more complex and precise vocabulary to replace vague terms. For example, 'furious about this' could be replaced with 'concerned about the erosion of cultural values.'
  • Ensure correct use of articles and plural forms, such as 'informations' should be 'information,' as it is an uncountable noun.
  • Expand your vocabulary related to globalization and cultural identity by reading articles on these topics. This will help you use more precise and varied lexical items.

Grammatical Range5.0

The essay demonstrates a basic range of grammatical structures, including simple and compound sentences, but lacks complexity and variety. There are frequent grammatical errors, such as incorrect verb forms, punctuation issues, and awkward phrasing, which impede clarity and coherence.

Recommendations:

  • Revise awkward phrasing to improve clarity, such as 'complain this with the government' to 'complain to the government about this issue.'
  • Pay attention to subject-verb agreement and correct verb forms, such as 'cause' instead of 'causes' and 'informations' instead of 'information.'
  • Improve punctuation usage, especially with commas and periods, to clarify sentence boundaries and enhance readability.
  • Practice using conjunctions correctly to link ideas within and between sentences, ensuring logical flow and coherence.
  • Focus on using a variety of sentence structures, including complex sentences, to enhance grammatical range.

Task Achievement5.0

The essay attempts to address the prompt by discussing both the loss and maintenance of traditional cultures due to globalization. However, it lacks depth in exploring the arguments and does not provide sufficient examples or data to support the claims effectively. The conclusion is weak and does not clearly state the writer's opinion.

Recommendations:

  • Provide more specific examples and data to support each point, especially regarding the impact of globalization on traditional cultures.
  • Elaborate on how globalization specifically impacts cultural practices and provide concrete examples to illustrate these impacts.
  • Develop a clearer structure that directly addresses both views with balanced arguments and examples.
  • Clearly state your opinion in the conclusion and ensure it is supported by the arguments presented in the essay.
GRADED
5.0
Coherence and Cohesion:5.0
Lexical Resource:5.0
Grammatical Range:5.0
Task Achievement:5.0
Band Score:5.0
Coherence and Cohesion5
Logical structure5
Introduction & conclusion present5
Supported main points5
Accurate linking words5
Variety in linking words5
Lexical Resource5
Varied vocabulary5
Accurate spelling & word formation5
Grammatical Range5
Mix of complex & simple sentences5
Clear and correct grammar5
Task Achievement5
Complete response5
Clear & comprehensive ideas5
Relevant & specific examples5
Appropriate word count5
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