BAND 6.0 IELTS ESSAY SAMPLE: ANALYZING THE RISE OF CRIME RATES AND EFFECTIVE SOLUTIONS

Explore our detailed IELTS essay sample graded at band 6.0, addressing the rising global crime rate and its societal implications. Discover insights into government responsibilities, social issues, and the impact of education and poverty on crime. Helpful guide for IELTS preparation and understanding societal issues.

Writing Task

In many countries, the amount of crime is increasing. What do you think are the main reasons for this increase? What can be done to improve the situation? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

IELTS Writing Sample Essay with Band 5.5 Scoring and Feedback

It is true that the range of crime is increasing dramatically all around the world. In my opinion the commercial problems and not having a control on society by governments are the most reason for this high amount of crimes, and the regimes have the most blame for this situation. In one hand, many countries provide bad situations for its residents among the routine lives. For example, there are many difficulties in education system or finding job in India. whereas most of Indian people are living in poverty because of the high population and sharply birth statistics. The problem will be solve if the government take care of the problem by taking taxes from wealthy families and spend it on increasing the range of education between poorly children. On the other hand, the thievery among the public officials must be eradicated, and the money most divide between needy families or spend on their requirements to being a help for filling the holes of the country and society. For example, by focusing on pupils' education you can see that in future many health problems or jobless difficulties will be solved by only increasing the level of knowledge and information. Children's expectations from their parents have increased and have become another reason for this crime problems. In schools pupils must learn to control their expectancies and reach their goals by working hard. in conclusion, I believe that by a balance between discipline, population and education any countries can decrease the crime ranges.
Words: 250Paragraphs: 1
Submitted: 7/18/2023, 04:00 PM

Coherence And Cohesion5.5

The essay attempts to address the prompt by discussing reasons for crime increase and potential solutions. However, the coherence and cohesion are weakened by a lack of clear structure and logical progression of ideas. The essay lacks clear paragraphing, and the ideas within paragraphs are not always logically connected.

Recommendations:

  • Clarify the main points in the introduction and conclusion to better frame the essay's argument and provide a clear summary.
  • Use linking words and phrases more effectively to connect ideas within and between paragraphs, ensuring a logical flow of arguments.
  • Ensure each paragraph logically flows from one to the next, maintaining a consistent progression of ideas throughout the essay.
  • Improve paragraph structure by dedicating each paragraph to a single main idea and ensuring each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence.

Lexical Resource5.5

The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary relevant to the topic of crime and its causes. However, there are instances of incorrect word choice and collocations, as well as some repetition, which affect the clarity and precision of expression.

Recommendations:

  • Expand vocabulary related to crime and social issues to avoid repetition and enhance precision.
  • Use a wider range of linking words and phrases to improve coherence between ideas, such as 'in addition,' 'furthermore,' or 'consequently.'
  • Work on using correct collocations, such as 'solve the problem' instead of 'solve the problem' and 'take control' instead of 'having a control.'
  • Ensure that word forms are used correctly, for example, using 'solved' instead of 'solve' and 'most reasons' instead of 'the most reason.'

Grammatical Range5.0

The essay demonstrates a basic grasp of grammatical structures but contains several errors and awkward constructions that impede clarity. There is a mix of correct and incorrect sentence structures, with some attempts at complex sentences, although these are often marred by errors.

Recommendations:

  • Use a wider range of grammatical structures to add variety and interest to the writing, such as using different types of clauses effectively.
  • Improve sentence structure by ensuring that complex sentences are correctly formed, for example, 'whereas most of Indian people are living in poverty' should be revised for clarity and correctness.
  • Pay attention to article usage ('a control on society' should be 'control over society') and ensure consistency throughout the essay.
  • Work on verb forms and tenses to ensure they are used correctly, such as 'have the most blame' which could be more effectively stated as 'are most to blame.'
  • Review subject-verb agreement rules, as there are multiple instances of incorrect usage, such as 'the range of crime is increasing' and 'the problem will be solve.'

Task Achievement5.5

The essay addresses the task by identifying commercial problems and lack of governmental control as main reasons for increasing crime rates. It also suggests solutions such as taxing wealthy families and improving education. However, the response lacks clarity and depth in explaining the causes and solutions, and it does not sufficiently support claims with relevant examples.

Recommendations:

  • Ensure the solutions proposed are directly linked to the problems identified, providing a logical and coherent argument.
  • Incorporate more specific examples from real-world situations or personal experience to strengthen arguments and make them more convincing.
  • Clearly define and elaborate on each main reason for the increase in crime, providing detailed explanations and relevant examples.
  • Address both parts of the task prompt equally, ensuring that both the causes and solutions are given adequate attention and development.
GRADED
5.5
Coherence and Cohesion:5.5
Lexical Resource:5.5
Grammatical Range:5.0
Task Achievement:5.5
Band Score:5.5
Coherence and Cohesion5.5
Logical structure5
Introduction & conclusion present6
Supported main points5
Accurate linking words6
Variety in linking words5
Lexical Resource5.5
Varied vocabulary6
Accurate spelling & word formation5
Grammatical Range5
Mix of complex & simple sentences5
Clear and correct grammar5
Task Achievement5.5
Complete response6
Clear & comprehensive ideas5
Relevant & specific examples5
Appropriate word count6
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