BAND 6.0 IELTS ESSAY SAMPLE: ANALYZING IMPACT OF TECHNOLOGICAL ADVANCEMENTS ON LIFE QUALITY VS. POTENTIAL HARM- DUAL PERSPECTIVES DISCUSSION

Discover the pros and cons of technological advancements in our lives. Find an extensive and detailed IELTS essay sample scored at band 6.0 discussing the potential risks and benefits, from cybercrime threats to enhanced accessibility for the disabled. Learn how to effectively write and structure your IELTS essay with this illuminating example.

Writing Task

Some people believe that technological advancements have brought about more harm than good, while others argue that these advancements have significantly improved the quality of our lives. Discuss both views and give your own opinion. Support your answer with relevant examples from your experience or knowledge.

IELTS Writing Sample Essay with Band 6.0 Scoring and Feedback

There has been argument about whether technological advancement affect people's lives positively or not. I personally think it all depends on how people use it, and related to that it would be beneficial or detrimental. there are some potential risks while using technology. Firstly, people nowadays have been obsessed with online platforms and rely heavily on them for doing their daily activities like shopping, banking and so on. cyber criminals may use this situation to rob people's money. For instance, with creating fake bank web base, those who are not thoroughly familiar with cybercrime may be deceived and give their personal identification to strangers. In addition, there are an extensive range of information that may not be suitable for children. For example, many websites for making friend have been established that people may have profile with incorrect on them personal information. on the other hand, we cannot neglect the positive side of technological advances. For example, it used to be that disabled people were unable to drive solely, but now with the emergence of driverless cars, they no longer need others to assist them as they are designed to help them. In addition, the newly designed computer caters to blind person by using a spoke person to help them while working with. In conclusion, almost everything has potential for being used in a bad way, we have to choose what we really want. Many technological advances emerged to help those people who suffer from disability, there are part of our society, and we should consider them to serve them.
Words: 259Paragraphs: 4
Submitted: 7/22/2023, 09:43 AM

Coherence And Cohesion5.5

The essay presents a structured discussion on the pros and cons of technological advancements with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. However, there are noticeable issues with coherence and cohesion, such as lack of clear topic sentences, insufficient use of linking words, and abrupt transitions between ideas.

Recommendations:

  • Ensure smooth transitions between sentences and paragraphs by using transitional phrases that guide the reader through the argument.
  • Use clear topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph to indicate the main idea or argument being discussed.
  • Improve the use of linking words and phrases (e.g., 'Moreover,' 'Furthermore,' 'On the contrary,' 'However') to better connect ideas and paragraphs.
  • Maintain consistent use of cohesive devices to ensure that each paragraph logically follows from the previous one, enhancing the overall flow of the essay.

Lexical Resource6.0

The essay demonstrates a basic range of vocabulary with some attempts at precision, but there are frequent errors in word choice, collocation, and word formation that impede clarity and coherence.

Recommendations:

  • Review and correct spelling errors to improve lexical accuracy, such as 'friend' should be 'friends' and 'cater' should be 'caters.'
  • Improve word choice accuracy by practicing collocations and using a dictionary or thesaurus to ensure correct usage, such as 'web base' should be 'website' and 'spoke person' should be 'speech assistant' or 'screen reader'.
  • Practice using more precise and sophisticated vocabulary to convey ideas clearly, such as replacing 'cyber criminals may use this situation to rob people's money' with 'cybercriminals exploit these vulnerabilities to commit financial fraud'.
  • Focus on using varied sentence structures to naturally incorporate a wider range of vocabulary, which can enhance lexical resource and overall coherence.
  • Enhance vocabulary range by learning synonyms and antonyms to avoid repetition and improve expression, such as replacing 'people's lives' with 'individuals' lifestyles' or 'existence'.

Grammatical Range5.5

The essay demonstrates a basic range of grammatical structures, with some complex sentences. However, there are several grammatical errors, including issues with verb forms, subject-verb agreement, punctuation, and sentence fragments. These errors occasionally impede clarity and coherence.

Recommendations:

  • Vary sentence structures more to include a mix of simple, compound, and complex sentences, enhancing the grammatical range.
  • Improve sentence structure by avoiding sentence fragments, e.g., 'related to that it would be beneficial or detrimental' should be revised for clarity.
  • Use correct verb forms and tense consistently, e.g., 'have been obsessed' should be 'are obsessed' to maintain present tense consistency.
  • Ensure subject-verb agreement is maintained consistently throughout the essay, e.g., 'technological advancement affect' should be 'advancements affect'.
  • Capitalize the first letter of sentences to improve readability and adhere to standard grammatical conventions.

Task Achievement6.0

The essay addresses the task prompt by discussing both the potential harms and benefits of technological advancements, and it presents a personal opinion. However, the response lacks depth in supporting arguments and examples, and there is a need for a clearer stance on the issue.

Recommendations:

  • Provide more detailed and specific examples to support each argument, ensuring they are directly related to the points being made.
  • Develop the arguments further to discuss the implications of technological advancements on society more comprehensively.
  • Ensure the opinion is clearly stated and consistently supported throughout the essay, integrating it seamlessly with the discussion of both views.
GRADED
6.0
Coherence and Cohesion:5.5
Lexical Resource:6.0
Grammatical Range:5.5
Task Achievement:6.0
Band Score:6.0
Coherence and Cohesion5.5
Logical structure5
Introduction & conclusion present5
Supported main points6
Accurate linking words5
Variety in linking words6
Lexical Resource6
Varied vocabulary6
Accurate spelling & word formation6
Grammatical Range5.5
Mix of complex & simple sentences6
Clear and correct grammar5
Task Achievement6
Complete response6
Clear & comprehensive ideas6
Relevant & specific examples6
Appropriate word count6
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