BAND 6.5 IELTS ESSAY SAMPLE: TECHNOLOGICAL ADVANCEMENTS' IMPACT ON SOCIETY - CONNECTION OR ISOLATION?

Explore high-quality Band 6.5 IELTS essay samples focused on the impact of technology and smartphones on human interactions. Discover how technological developments like social media and video conferencing have not only made communication easy but also contributed to job creation and economic development in developing countries.

Writing Task

Some people believe that technological advancements have made our lives more convenient, while others argue that these developments have led to disconnection and isolation in society. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

IELTS Writing Sample Essay with Band 5.5 Scoring and Feedback

These days interaction between people has changed thanks to technology. In my view, due to development of technology such as making smartphones and the expansion of the internet impact on people relationships. In addition, it has a positive development on our life because we have access to each other easily. There are many software and application which people use them for interact with each other through the internet. In fact, people just need a little time to learn how to use cellphones and connect to the internet ,and also through social media they can share their events of their life with other people. For example, studies showed that many people during in pandemic prefer to interact each other with video call application such as Skype, Meet and Face time rather than face-to-face meeting and they are satisfied by this way interaction because it prevented the transmission of the corona virus. Development of technology creates employment for many people and also it leads to develop in many developing countries. Although, some companies have decided to build their company in developing countries ,it leads to reduction of the unemployment rate and also it causes improve relations with customers and other companies. For instance, after Cisco and Apple company built some factories in India and they have created their requirement hardware there, the unemployment rate in both countries is decreasing. In conclusion, internet makes easy interaction people with each other and also development of technology creates a space for people that they can work in it.
Words: 253Paragraphs: 1
Submitted: 7/20/2023, 12:54 PM

Coherence And Cohesion5.5

The essay presents ideas on how technological advancements affect human interaction and employment, but lacks clear and logical organization. The paragraphs are not well-connected, and the ideas within them are not consistently linked, which affects the overall coherence and cohesion of the essay.

Recommendations:

  • Avoid abrupt topic changes by using transitional sentences that guide the reader from one point to the next.
  • Use clear linking words and phrases to connect ideas between and within paragraphs, such as 'however', 'on the other hand', 'furthermore', and 'for example' more effectively.
  • Ensure that each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next, maintaining a clear flow of ideas throughout the essay.
  • Improve paragraph structure by ensuring each paragraph has a clear main idea and supporting details that are logically connected.

Lexical Resource5.5

The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary relevant to the topic of technological advancements and their impact on society. However, there are errors in word choice, collocations, and some repetitions that limit the lexical range and flexibility.

Recommendations:

  • Expand the range of vocabulary by incorporating more varied and precise word choices. For instance, instead of repeatedly using 'development of technology,' consider alternatives like 'technological progress' or 'advancements in technology.'
  • Improve the use of collocations to enhance naturalness in writing. For example, 'impact on people relationships' should be 'impact on people's relationships.'
  • Incorporate more advanced and topic-specific vocabulary related to technology and its societal impacts to demonstrate a higher level of lexical resource.
  • Avoid repetition by using synonyms. Instead of repeating 'interaction,' use alternatives like 'communication' or 'engagement.'
  • Work on word form errors to improve accuracy. For instance, 'it causes improve relations' should be 'it causes improvements in relations.'

Grammatical Range5.5

The essay demonstrates a basic range of grammatical structures but lacks accuracy and complexity in sentence construction. There are several instances of incorrect verb forms, subject-verb agreement issues, and awkward phrasing, which affect the clarity and coherence of the arguments presented.

Recommendations:

  • Use a wider range of complex sentences to improve the grammatical range. For example, use relative clauses or conditional sentences to add variety.
  • Improve verb tense consistency. For example, 'people during in pandemic prefer to interact' should be 'people during the pandemic preferred to interact.'
  • Work on sentence structure to avoid run-on sentences. For instance, 'In fact, people just need a little time to learn how to use cellphones and connect to the internet ,and also through social media they can share their events of their life with other people.' can be split into two sentences for clarity.
  • Correct preposition usage, such as 'impact on people relationships' should be 'impact on people's relationships.'
  • Focus on subject-verb agreement. For example, 'impact on people relationships' should be 'impacts people's relationships.'

Task Achievement5.5

The essay addresses the task by discussing both views on technological advancements and their impact on convenience and social disconnection. It provides examples and gives an opinion, but lacks depth in exploring the opposing view of disconnection and isolation.

Recommendations:

  • Provide a more balanced discussion by elaborating on the negative aspects of technological advancements, such as how they may lead to social isolation and disconnection.
  • Clearly state your opinion and ensure it is consistently supported throughout the essay, linking back to both views discussed.
  • Ensure that both sides of the argument are equally developed to fully address the task prompt. This includes providing examples and explanations for how technology can lead to social isolation.
GRADED
5.5
Coherence and Cohesion:5.5
Lexical Resource:5.5
Grammatical Range:5.5
Task Achievement:5.5
Band Score:5.5
Coherence and Cohesion5.5
Logical structure5
Introduction & conclusion present6
Supported main points5
Accurate linking words6
Variety in linking words5
Lexical Resource5.5
Varied vocabulary5
Accurate spelling & word formation6
Grammatical Range5.5
Mix of complex & simple sentences5
Clear and correct grammar6
Task Achievement5.5
Complete response6
Clear & comprehensive ideas5
Relevant & specific examples6
Appropriate word count5
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