BAND 6.5 IELTS ESSAY SAMPLE: TECHNOLOGICAL ADVANCEMENTS - CONVENIENCE VS ISOLATION

Dive into our comprehensive IELTS essay sample with a band score of 6.5. Explore the implications of technology, mobile applications, and social media on our society, communication, and individual behavior. Understand the pros and cons of these platforms, how they affect young generations, and their impact on education, professional life, and personal development.

Writing Task

Some people believe that technological advancements have made our lives more convenient, while others argue that these developments have led to disconnection and isolation in society. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

IELTS Writing Sample Essay with Band 5.5 Scoring and Feedback

While governments and famous technological companies are motivating people to use their mobile applications, Websites and social media platforms for better communications and an easy services. Some other people are complaining about these platforms and the provided services due to the issues can impact people and affect their behaviors and manners. No doubts that internet and technological advanced services have made the world as a small town. It has become so easy to get the information or the services you need at a finger tip which can save your time, money and efforts. Now days you can gather many information and do your own researches, you can post and keep your essays or thesis online and get it registered under your name, you can study online and many schools and universities already around the world are able to provide these services to students. you can communicate ( Audio and video calls ), also you can work from home. Also governmental or private services with the payment are available online, Live streaming TV and other social media platforms are there and so on. Some smart people have take these kind of facilities in different extreme way to make great income or to provide good service to the society such as trading and advertising or being public speaker. On the other hand, other people have argued that these kind of provided services can affect the society and lead to isolation. Talking about some mobile phone applications have made some people are addicted to it and made them more disconnected, specially young generations. Also parents have complained about the content of these platforms of social media which it can affect their kids or harm them by providing inappropriate contents or sexual videos...etc. Finally, Technological advancement have been made to ease and speed up our daily services in such a good and fair way to be provided and used while the disadvantages are presented to public from people who are afraid about the impact of these on our societies specially to some people who can misuse the services which is freely opened without monitoring or supervision.
Words: 352Paragraphs: 4
Submitted: 7/17/2023, 10:55 AM

Coherence And Cohesion5.5

The essay presents a discussion on the benefits and drawbacks of technological advancements, but lacks clear organization and logical progression. Paragraphs don't have clear topic sentences, and ideas are not always logically linked, leading to some confusion.

Recommendations:

  • Use linking words and phrases more effectively to connect ideas within and between paragraphs.
  • Ensure each paragraph focuses on a single main idea to improve coherence.
  • Develop clear topic sentences for each paragraph to guide the reader through your argument.
  • Improve the logical flow by organizing points in a more structured manner, such as addressing one viewpoint per paragraph before presenting your opinion.

Lexical Resource5.5

The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary with some attempts at using less common lexical items. However, there are noticeable issues with word choice, collocation, and word form that affect clarity and precision.

Recommendations:

  • Expand your vocabulary by learning synonyms and antonyms, and practice using them in context to improve precision and variety.
  • Pay attention to collocations and ensure that words are used in natural combinations, such as 'technological advancements' instead of 'technological advanced services.'
  • Use more specific and precise vocabulary to express ideas clearly, such as replacing 'some smart people' with 'entrepreneurs' or 'innovators.'
  • Avoid repetitive language and try to use a wider range of expressions, for instance, replace 'services' with 'facilities,' 'platforms,' or 'applications' where appropriate.
  • Proofread your work to correct awkward phrasing and ensure that word forms are used correctly, such as 'Nowadays' instead of 'Now days' and 'take' instead of 'have take.'

Grammatical Range5.0

The essay demonstrates a range of grammatical structures but has several errors that affect clarity and accuracy. The use of complex sentences is evident, but there are issues with subject-verb agreement, article usage, and sentence fragments.

Recommendations:

  • Pay attention to singular and plural forms, like 'many information' should be 'much information'.
  • Improve article usage, for example, 'No doubts that internet' should be 'No doubt that the internet'.
  • Avoid sentence fragments, such as 'Also governmental or private services with the payment are available online' which lacks clarity.
  • Use more varied sentence structures to enhance readability, such as combining short sentences for better flow.
  • Ensure subject-verb agreement is correct, such as 'Some people have take' should be 'Some people have taken'.

Task Achievement5.5

The essay addresses the task by discussing both views on technological advancements, highlighting their convenience and potential for societal disconnection. However, the argument is not fully developed, and the opinion is not clearly stated or supported.

Recommendations:

  • Ensure that both views are equally developed to provide a balanced discussion.
  • Use more specific examples to support the claims made about the convenience and isolation effects of technology.
  • Clearly state your own opinion on the issue and support it with specific examples or arguments throughout the essay.
GRADED
5.5
Coherence and Cohesion:5.5
Lexical Resource:5.5
Grammatical Range:5.0
Task Achievement:5.5
Band Score:5.5
Coherence and Cohesion5.5
Logical structure5.5
Introduction & conclusion present5.5
Supported main points5.5
Accurate linking words5.5
Variety in linking words5.5
Lexical Resource5.5
Varied vocabulary5.5
Accurate spelling & word formation5.5
Grammatical Range5
Mix of complex & simple sentences5
Clear and correct grammar5
Task Achievement5.5
Complete response5.5
Clear & comprehensive ideas5.5
Relevant & specific examples5.5
Appropriate word count5.5
Grade Your Essay