BAND 6.5 IELTS ESSAY SAMPLE: PUBLIC SERVICES VS ARTS INVESTMENT - COMPARATIVE DISCUSSION & PERSONAL OPINION|

Explore the debate on government funding for public welfare vs. the arts through our IELTS essay sample. Understand key arguments for equating arts funding with public facilities. Discover how arts impact mental health and cultural representation, alongside counterpoints prioritizing healthcare and education.

Writing Task

Some people believe that the government should prioritize investments in public services, such as education and healthcare, over spending on the arts. Others, however, argue that investing in the arts is equally important. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion. Provide relevant examples from your own experience or knowledge to support your answer.

IELTS Writing Sample Essay with Band 5.5 Scoring and Feedback

The idea that, whether allocating more budget on public welfare or the arts could be beneficial, remains a source of controversy. Some individuals believe that healthcare and education are much more important than the arts, so funding in those area should not as same as artistic activities. others' estimation is totally different and they think that the arts should be budgeted the same as public facilities. In my view, artistic projects have fundamental effects on mentioned services, thus spending on that could be equally with those. this essay will elaborate on both views and describe and support the equality of the arts mainly in mental health and cultural perspectives. There are many grounds why work of arts have beneficial effects on communities and could be funded by governments like as other social plans. first and foremost, artistic programs like music festivals have essential role on individuals' mind and they can recharge their batteries and refresh their minds by listening a piece of music at those national gatherings. additionally, work of arts can reflects the culture of a country and they can be a source of tourists attractions, therefore being a source of revenue for countries. as an illustration, painting galleries from well-known artists can grab the attention of visitors and not only are they national pride, but also generate money for societies. Despite those benefits brought by artistic programs, others claimed that over spending on the arts could be waste of money and educational or health area are more important. they assume that basic needs like heath and education should be put before luxurious such as art. According to the above analysis, notwithstanding the fact that, social issues have considerable impacts on communities, the role of arts can not be deniable and could be budgeted as those mentioned aspects.
Words: 299Paragraphs: 3
Submitted: 7/23/2023, 01:34 AM

Coherence And Cohesion5.5

The essay attempts to discuss both views on whether government spending should prioritize public services or the arts, but it struggles with coherence and cohesion. The introduction is somewhat clear in presenting the two perspectives, but transitions between ideas and paragraphs are weak or missing, making it difficult to follow the argument. The use of cohesive devices is inconsistent, and there are abrupt shifts in ideas without adequate linking phrases. Additionally, some sentences are not logically connected, which disrupts the flow of the essay.

Recommendations:

  • Clarify pronoun references and ensure they clearly refer to the correct nouns to avoid confusion.
  • Ensure each paragraph focuses on a single main idea and is logically connected to the preceding and following paragraphs.
  • Use cohesive devices consistently, such as 'firstly,' 'secondly,' and 'finally,' to structure arguments and points within paragraphs.
  • Improve paragraph transitions by using linking phrases such as 'On the other hand,' 'Furthermore,' or 'In contrast' to guide the reader through the argument.

Lexical Resource5.5

The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary relevant to the topic of government spending on public services and the arts. However, there are several instances of incorrect word choices, awkward phrasing, and repetition that detract from the overall lexical resource.

Recommendations:

  • Expand your vocabulary related to government funding and public services to avoid repetition and enhance precision.
  • Pay attention to collocations and ensure correct usage, such as 'allocate budget' instead of 'allocating more budget.'
  • Use synonyms to avoid repetition of phrases like 'work of arts' and 'artistic programs.'
  • Ensure correct use of prepositions and articles, such as 'in those areas' instead of 'in those area.'
  • Focus on using more precise and varied language to clearly express complex ideas, such as using 'investment in the arts' rather than 'spending on that.'

Grammatical Range5.0

The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of grammatical structures, including complex sentences and some varied sentence structures. However, there are noticeable grammatical errors, particularly with subject-verb agreement, articles, and punctuation, which affect clarity and coherence.

Recommendations:

  • Pay attention to punctuation, especially capitalization and comma usage, to improve sentence clarity and structure, e.g., capitalize 'first' and 'additionally' at the beginning of sentences.
  • Vary sentence structures more frequently by incorporating different types of clauses and sentence types to enhance grammatical range.
  • Improve subject-verb agreement, ensuring verbs match their subjects in number and tense, e.g., 'work of arts have' should be 'works of art have.'
  • Use articles correctly, such as 'a' and 'the,' to enhance clarity, e.g., 'the arts' instead of 'arts' and 'a piece of music' instead of 'piece of music.'

Task Achievement5.5

The essay addresses the task by discussing both views on government spending priorities and providing an opinion. However, the argument for the arts being equally important is not fully developed, lacking depth and specific examples. While the essay concludes with a clear stance, it does not sufficiently elaborate on why the arts should be prioritized equally, especially in relation to mental health and cultural perspectives, as initially stated.

Recommendations:

  • Integrate more examples from personal experience or knowledge to reinforce the arguments and make them more convincing.
  • Develop the argument for the arts with more specific examples and detailed explanations, especially regarding their impact on mental health and culture.
  • Ensure that each view is given balanced attention, providing a more thorough discussion of the benefits and drawbacks of prioritizing public services over the arts.
GRADED
5.5
Coherence and Cohesion:5.5
Lexical Resource:5.5
Grammatical Range:5.0
Task Achievement:5.5
Band Score:5.5
Coherence and Cohesion5.5
Logical structure5
Introduction & conclusion present6
Supported main points5
Accurate linking words5
Variety in linking words6
Lexical Resource5.5
Varied vocabulary6
Accurate spelling & word formation5
Grammatical Range5
Mix of complex & simple sentences5
Clear and correct grammar5
Task Achievement5.5
Complete response6
Clear & comprehensive ideas5
Relevant & specific examples5
Appropriate word count6
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