BAND 6.5 IELTS ESSAY SAMPLE: EXPLORING DISCIPLINE VS. CRITICAL THINKING IN SCHOOLS FOR RESPONSIBLE CITIZENSHIP

Explore the comprehensive analysis of a band 6.5 IELTS essay sample addressing the debate on teaching discipline and obedience vs critical thinking to students. Uncover the impact of both approaches on nurturing responsible citizens and maintaining social order. Delve into the importance of discipline and critical decision-making skills for a thriving community.

Writing Task

Some people believe that the best way to produce responsible citizens is to teach discipline and obedience in schools. Others argue that teaching children to think critically and make informed decisions is more important. Discuss both views and give your own opinion. Support your answer with relevant examples and evidence.

IELTS Writing Sample Essay with Band 5.5 Scoring and Feedback

The question of whether or not students should be thought ways of discipline and obedience as opposed to critical thinking has always been a matter of dispute among parents. In this essay we intend to shed light on the merits and drawbacks of both of these points of views and their impacts on upbringing next generation to be responsible citizens. when it comes to social order and saftey measures, introduced rules along with prevalnet norms are of great importance. Take a simple day to day commute for instance. The more the number of law-abiding drivers in the streets, the lower the numbers of annual casualties are going to be. therefore, obedience and discipline ought to be thought to children from early ages at school if one hopes to see more law-abiding citizen. On the other hand in today's volatile technological and social environment the ability of avoiding indiscrimanted actions faced with delimmas and crossroads is not be overlooked as it might directly impact the fabrics of society. when offered with detrimental suggestions from friends' or probability of breaking a rule in a everchanging and dynamic environment one must be able to weight the ramifications of their decision in order to be able to make the right choice and arrest the growth of any harm to themselves and society. To sum up, the ability to be disciplined as well as being able to make informed descisions in dire situations are intertwined together and both are of essance for a thriving community.
Words: 250Paragraphs: 1
Submitted: 7/20/2023, 06:52 AM

Coherence And Cohesion5.5

The essay presents a reasonable structure with an introduction, body paragraphs discussing both views, and a conclusion. However, there are issues with paragraphing, logical progression, and linking expressions that affect coherence and cohesion.

Recommendations:

  • Avoid abrupt transitions by ensuring that each paragraph flows logically into the next, using transitional phrases where necessary.
  • Ensure clear paragraphing by starting a new paragraph for each main idea or argument, such as separating the introduction from the first discussion point.
  • Use a wider range of cohesive devices and linking words to connect ideas more effectively within and between paragraphs, such as 'Firstly', 'Moreover', 'Conversely', 'In conclusion'.
  • Improve the logical progression of ideas by clearly outlining the structure in the introduction and following it consistently throughout the essay.

Lexical Resource5.5

The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary relevant to the topic, such as 'discipline', 'obedience', 'critical thinking', and 'law-abiding'. However, there are notable issues with word choice and spelling errors that affect clarity and precision.

Recommendations:

  • Expand vocabulary by learning synonyms and antonyms to avoid repetition and enhance expression.
  • Use collocations and phrases more naturally, for instance, 'shed light on' is used correctly, but 'points of views' should be 'points of view'.
  • Incorporate more sophisticated vocabulary to articulate ideas more precisely and demonstrate a higher level of lexical resource.
  • Pay attention to spelling, as errors like 'saftey', 'thought' (instead of 'taught'), and 'descisions' can detract from the clarity of the essay.

Grammatical Range5.0

The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of grammatical structures, including complex sentences and varied sentence forms. However, there are noticeable grammatical errors and incorrect word forms that affect clarity and accuracy.

Recommendations:

  • Use correct word forms and spellings, such as 'thought' instead of 'taught,' and 'descisions' instead of 'decisions.'
  • Use appropriate punctuation to separate clauses in complex sentences, such as after introductory phrases or clauses.
  • Vary sentence structures more frequently to include a mix of simple, compound, and complex sentences.
  • Use articles correctly, e.g., 'a everchanging environment' should be 'an everchanging environment.'
  • Ensure subject-verb agreement throughout the essay, e.g., 'students should be thought' should be 'students should be taught.'

Task Achievement6.0

The essay addresses the task prompt by discussing both views on teaching discipline and obedience versus critical thinking in schools, and provides an opinion. The essay attempts to support the discussion with examples and reasoning, although it lacks sufficient depth and clarity in some areas.

Recommendations:

  • Expand on the conclusion to reinforce the main points discussed and the rationale behind your opinion.
  • Provide more detailed and specific examples to support the arguments for both views.
  • Ensure that the discussion of both views is balanced, providing equal depth and analysis for each.
  • Clearly state your opinion in the introduction and conclusion to ensure it is easily identifiable.
GRADED
5.5
Coherence and Cohesion:5.5
Lexical Resource:5.5
Grammatical Range:5.0
Task Achievement:6.0
Band Score:5.5
Coherence and Cohesion5.5
Logical structure5
Introduction & conclusion present6
Supported main points5
Accurate linking words5
Variety in linking words6
Lexical Resource5.5
Varied vocabulary6
Accurate spelling & word formation5
Grammatical Range5
Mix of complex & simple sentences5
Clear and correct grammar5
Task Achievement6
Complete response6
Clear & comprehensive ideas6
Relevant & specific examples6
Appropriate word count6
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