BAND 6.5 IELTS ESSAY SAMPLE: DISCUSSING RETIREMENT AGE RISE - IMPACTS ON PENSION SYSTEM & AGING POPULATION

Explore a comprehensive band 6.5 IELTS essay sample discussing the impacts of retiring at older ages. Gain insights on the effects on pension funds and individuals' health. Debate the balance between a strong economy and the well-being of the elderly. Ideal for IELTS candidates and English learners.

Writing Task

In many countries, the age at which people can retire is being raised. Some people argue that this is a necessary measure to ensure the financial stability of the pension system, while others believe that it puts an excessive burden on the aging population. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion. Provide relevant examples and reasons to support your answer.

IELTS Writing Sample Essay with Band 5.5 Scoring and Feedback

Nowadays in most countries people is retired at older ages than before. Some people believe that this is beneficiary for the pension funds. However, others say that it is not healthy for the elderlies. On the one hand, a group of people mention that increasing the age of retiring is one of the crucial measurements for the sustainability of the pension system. In other words, they are worried about the insolvency of the pension funds or insurance companies more than the general health of the old people. In fact, they believe having a strong economic is more important than people as long as they can keep working. A recent study shows in countries which retiring age has been increased, the pension system has the higher solvency ratio. On the other hand, some argued that having people worked for more years is putting them into some unhealthy conditions. What they mean by this is that human beings have some limitations so working hard for many years can decrease their quality of life. Some of the problems that this subject may cause are depression, anxiety and lower life expectancies. Therefore, having a society full of unhealthy men and women can lead to some social issues that will cost governments huge costs to compensate. In conclusion, whether the retirement age should raise or stay like before is a debate issue. Personally, I strongly believe that having a country and society with happy people is more significant than having a perfect financial and pension system.
Words: 251Paragraphs: 1
Submitted: 7/21/2023, 07:57 AM

Coherence And Cohesion5.5

The essay presents a clear structure, discussing both views and providing a personal opinion. However, there are instances where coherence is affected by unclear transitions and a lack of cohesive devices, which can hinder the reader's understanding of the argument progression.

Recommendations:

  • Avoid abrupt shifts in ideas by using linking words or phrases to guide the reader through the argument, especially when transitioning between different perspectives.
  • Use more cohesive devices such as 'Firstly', 'Secondly', 'Moreover', and 'Additionally' to improve the logical flow between ideas and paragraphs.
  • Ensure each paragraph has a clear topic sentence that outlines the main idea, followed by supporting sentences that logically develop this idea.

Lexical Resource5.5

The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary, with some appropriate word choices related to the topic. However, there are several instances of incorrect word forms and awkward phrasing that affect clarity and precision.

Recommendations:

  • Expand vocabulary related to the topic, such as using 'elderly population' instead of 'elderlies.'
  • Ensure subject-verb agreement, e.g., 'people is retired' should be 'people are retired.'
  • Use more precise vocabulary and avoid informal expressions, e.g., 'beneficiary' should be 'beneficial.'
  • Improve collocation use, such as 'crucial measurements' should be 'crucial measures.'
  • Avoid repetitive language, e.g., using 'pension system' repeatedly without variation.

Grammatical Range5.0

The essay demonstrates a basic range of grammatical structures, but there are several errors in subject-verb agreement, article usage, and sentence structure that affect clarity and coherence.

Recommendations:

  • Use articles correctly, such as 'the elderlies' should be 'the elderly.'
  • Vary sentence structures to include more complex sentences, rather than relying on simple sentence constructions.
  • Ensure consistent use of tense throughout the essay to maintain clarity.
  • Correct prepositional errors such as 'raising the age of retiring' should be 'raising the retirement age.'
  • Improve subject-verb agreement, particularly in sentences like 'people is retired' which should be 'people are retired.'

Task Achievement5.5

The essay addresses the task prompt by discussing both views on raising the retirement age and provides a personal opinion. It presents arguments for financial stability and the health impact on the elderly, supporting each with reasoning and an example, which aligns with the task requirements.

Recommendations:

  • Use more specific examples or data to strengthen the arguments. The essay mentions a study but could benefit from additional specific examples or statistics to support both views.
  • Ensure that both sides of the argument are equally developed. The essay discusses the financial benefits in more detail than the health implications, which could be expanded with more examples or data.
  • Clarify the personal opinion in the conclusion. The essay states a preference for societal happiness over financial stability, but it could be strengthened by summarizing key points from the discussion to support this opinion.
GRADED
5.5
Coherence and Cohesion:5.5
Lexical Resource:5.5
Grammatical Range:5.0
Task Achievement:5.5
Band Score:5.5
Coherence and Cohesion5.5
Logical structure6
Introduction & conclusion present5
Supported main points5
Accurate linking words5
Variety in linking words6
Lexical Resource5.5
Varied vocabulary6
Accurate spelling & word formation5
Grammatical Range5
Mix of complex & simple sentences5
Clear and correct grammar5
Task Achievement5.5
Complete response6
Clear & comprehensive ideas5
Relevant & specific examples5
Appropriate word count6
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