BAND 6.5 IELTS ESSAY SAMPLE: CHILD DEVELOPMENT THROUGH PARENTAL CONTROL VS PERSONAL CHOICES

Explore our IELTS essay sample with a band 6.5 score. Understand how decision making and varied experiences can enhance logical thinking and child upbringing. Discover arguments for and against strict parental control and its impact on a child's identity, responsibility, and confidence. Perfect resource for IELTS preparation.

Writing Task

Some people believe that allowing children to make their own choices on everyday matters, such as food, clothes, and entertainment, helps them develop more quickly. Others argue that it is important for parents to make these decisions to ensure their children have a more structured upbringing. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion. Provide relevant examples from your own experiences, if applicable.

IELTS Writing Sample Essay with Band 5.5 Scoring and Feedback

Decision making and experiencing various circumstances is a such a great manner to improve logical thinking and upbringing children , while some families tend to have a strict control on every aspect of their childrens' life. Letting children experiencing various situation and dealing with problems , On the one hand , is a great way to improve sense of responsibility as well as figuring the identity. Children should feel free to ask a question whenever they get stuck in difficulties, meanwhile they feel responsible for any action they do. For example , even though children might choos something inappropriate and follow fashion trends which may not be suitable to their cultural convention, they undrestand how to deal with bigger difficulties that they might face with in more important aspects of their life. However , upbringing children strictly and under tight supervision may cause the sense of depersonalisation and lack of mature identity which might be a crucial challenge every one might face with. So as they get older they may always have a fear of making their own decision and the consequences of their choice even when they are doing their best. When it comes to choosing their partners o job they may always be dependent to their parents which has has serious effect on their personal life. To sum up , it seems that if parents try to teach their children how to accept the responsibility of their affair , they might be able to induce confidence , which is one of the most important features that each person should have.
Words: 262Paragraphs: 1
Submitted: 7/23/2023, 12:04 PM

Coherence And Cohesion5.5

The essay presents two perspectives on whether children should make their own choices or have decisions made by parents. It attempts to discuss both views and provide a personal opinion. However, the coherence and cohesion of the essay are impacted by several issues, such as inconsistent use of linking words, unclear paragraphing, and lack of logical progression of ideas.

Recommendations:

  • Clarify pronoun references to ensure that it is clear what or whom they refer to, improving the overall clarity of the argument.
  • Use a wider range of cohesive devices (e.g., 'however', 'on the other hand', 'for instance') correctly and consistently to enhance the logical flow of information.
  • Ensure logical progression of ideas by clearly connecting each sentence to the main topic of the paragraph. Avoid abrupt shifts in ideas without proper transitions.
  • Improve paragraphing by clearly distinguishing between the discussion of each view and the personal opinion. Each paragraph should focus on a single idea or aspect of the argument.

Lexical Resource5.5

The essay demonstrates an attempt to use a range of vocabulary to discuss the topic of children's autonomy in decision-making. There is some use of topic-specific vocabulary, such as 'logical thinking,' 'responsibility,' and 'depersonalisation.' However, there are noticeable errors in spelling and word choice, which sometimes hinder clarity and precision.

Recommendations:

  • Incorporate more complex lexical structures, such as phrasal verbs or idiomatic expressions, to demonstrate a higher level of lexical resource.
  • Improve spelling accuracy by proofreading the essay. For instance, correct 'undrestand' to 'understand' and 'choos' to 'choose.'
  • Expand the range of vocabulary used by incorporating more varied and precise expressions related to the topic, such as 'autonomy,' 'independence,' or 'parental guidance.'
  • Use collocations accurately, such as 'make decisions' instead of 'making their own decision' to enhance fluency and naturalness.
  • Ensure that word choice is appropriate and contextually accurate. For example, replace 'upbringing children' with 'raising children' for better clarity.

Grammatical Range5.0

The essay demonstrates a basic range of grammatical structures with some attempts at complex sentences. However, there are frequent grammatical errors, particularly in sentence structure, punctuation, and verb forms, which affect clarity and coherence.

Recommendations:

  • Improve punctuation usage, especially with commas and conjunctions, to enhance sentence clarity.
  • Practice using a wider range of complex sentence structures, such as conditionals and relative clauses, to improve grammatical range.
  • Pay attention to subject-verb agreement to ensure grammatical accuracy.
  • Work on sentence structure to avoid run-on sentences and ensure each sentence has a clear subject and predicate.
  • Review and correct verb forms and tenses to ensure they are appropriate for the context.

Task Achievement5.5

The essay addresses the task prompt by discussing both views on allowing children to make their own choices versus parents making decisions for them. The writer presents arguments for both sides and provides examples, although the examples could be more specific and directly related to personal experience. The essay concludes with the writer's opinion, which aligns with allowing children to make their own decisions to develop responsibility and confidence.

Recommendations:

  • Provide more specific examples, ideally from personal experience, to better illustrate the points made. This will enhance the argument and fulfill the task requirement of providing relevant examples.
  • Ensure that both views are equally developed. The argument for allowing children to make their own choices is more detailed compared to the argument for parental control. Balance the discussion to fully address the task prompt.
  • Clarify the writer's opinion in the conclusion. While the conclusion suggests a preference for children making their own decisions, explicitly stating this opinion would strengthen the task achievement.
GRADED
5.5
Coherence and Cohesion:5.5
Lexical Resource:5.5
Grammatical Range:5.0
Task Achievement:5.5
Band Score:5.5
Coherence and Cohesion5.5
Logical structure5
Introduction & conclusion present5
Supported main points6
Accurate linking words6
Variety in linking words5
Lexical Resource5.5
Varied vocabulary6
Accurate spelling & word formation5
Grammatical Range5
Mix of complex & simple sentences5
Clear and correct grammar5
Task Achievement5.5
Complete response6
Clear & comprehensive ideas5
Relevant & specific examples5
Appropriate word count6
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