BAND 6.5 IELTS ESSAY SAMPLE: BALANCING GOVERNMENT INVESTMENT IN PUBLIC SERVICES VS ARTS - DISCUSSING DIVERSE OPINIONS

Explore an insightful IELTS essay sample, scoring a Band 6.5, discussing the importance of investment in public services versus arts funding. Navigate through a compelling debate about government priorities, societal benefits of education, healthcare, and the cultural significance of the arts. This is key reading for IELTS preparation and understanding a balanced perspective on societal investment.

Writing Task

Some people believe that the government should prioritize investments in public services, such as education and healthcare, over spending on the arts. Others, however, argue that investing in the arts is equally important. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion. Provide relevant examples from your own experience or knowledge to support your answer.

IELTS Writing Sample Essay with Band 5.5 Scoring and Feedback

Varied opinions have been put on the table when it comes to investments in the society. However, some say that investment in public services is important more than allocating money in the arts by the government. I will discuss this more in detail in paragraphs to come and explain whether I agree or disagree at the end. To begin with, the government have a significant responsibility to realize the people's priorities, which can affect on peoples' lives. Some indicates such as public services, education and healthcare are the most criteria for the life satisfaction. It is considered that people who are living in the country with the high range of satisfaction in order to have some facilities which is important, have an effective manners in their cultures. In terms of education, individuals in a high range of intellectuals are being productive for the society. Also, this can be advised for the healthcare part, which should be considered by the government. it leads to have a healthier society that work side by side effectively. It is argued that over spending money on the arts is not a proper decision. Although some believe that allocating more money in the arts is not acceptable, others prefer to convenience the government to make the art as the top list of prioritize. in order to the art, it can show individuals' culture and history. Besides, it makes people more concsious about their generation. For example, when people go to the museum, they will be interested in history which had have before in their countries. The government have different decisions to spend money in different kinds of facilities. Investments in public facilities, education and care services are important, but the arts can be another factor that the government should be considered in. Thus, this makes it clear that these factors are equally necessary for having a good society.
Words: 312Paragraphs: 1
Submitted: 7/18/2023, 05:27 PM

Coherence And Cohesion5.5

The essay presents a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, the logical flow between ideas and within paragraphs is somewhat fragmented, affecting overall coherence. Cohesive devices are used, but not always effectively, leading to occasional confusion in the reader's understanding.

Recommendations:

  • Ensure that each paragraph has a clear purpose and contributes to the overall argument. The conclusion should summarize the main points and clearly state the writer's opinion, which is currently somewhat ambiguous.
  • Use linking words and phrases more effectively to connect sentences and ideas within paragraphs. For instance, transition phrases like 'On the one hand' and 'On the other hand' could better delineate contrasting views.
  • Improve the use of referencing and substitution to avoid repetition and enhance cohesion. For example, instead of repeating 'the government,' use pronouns or synonyms.
  • Ensure each paragraph has a clear central idea and that ideas logically follow one another within paragraphs. For example, the introduction could more clearly outline the structure of the essay.

Lexical Resource5.5

The essay demonstrates an attempt to use a range of vocabulary to discuss the topic, but it is hindered by frequent inaccuracies in word choice and word formation. There is some use of less common vocabulary, but overall, the lexical resource lacks precision and control, affecting the clarity of the arguments presented.

Recommendations:

  • Practice using linking words and phrases accurately to enhance coherence, such as 'in contrast' or 'on the other hand,' to improve the flow between discussing different views.
  • Increase awareness of word formation and grammatical forms, for instance, 'affect on peoples' lives' should be 'affect people's lives' without 'on.'
  • Expand your vocabulary range by reading extensively on topics related to public services and the arts to better express complex ideas with precision.
  • Work on improving word choice by learning and practicing the use of collocations relevant to the topic, such as 'investing in public services' rather than 'investment in public services is important more.'

Grammatical Range5.0

The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of grammatical structures but contains several errors that affect clarity and coherence. There is a mix of simple and complex sentences, though complex structures often contain inaccuracies.

Recommendations:

  • Ensure consistent use of capitalization, particularly at the beginning of sentences.
  • Improve the use of articles, such as 'the government have a significant responsibility' should be 'the government has a significant responsibility'.
  • Use prepositions correctly, for example, 'affect on peoples' lives' should be 'affect people's lives'.
  • Avoid incorrect verb forms and tenses, such as 'which had have before' should be 'which they had before'.
  • Improve sentence structure to enhance clarity, such as restructuring 'it leads to have a healthier society that work side by side effectively' to 'it leads to a healthier society that works together effectively.'
  • Ensure subject-verb agreement, particularly with singular and plural forms, e.g., 'government have' should be 'government has'.

Task Achievement5.5

The essay attempts to address the prompt by discussing both views on whether the government should prioritize investments in public services or the arts. It provides some arguments for both sides and concludes with the opinion that both are equally necessary for a good society.

Recommendations:

  • Ensure that the essay directly addresses all parts of the task prompt by clearly discussing both views and providing a clear personal opinion. The personal opinion should be distinct and well-supported throughout the essay.
  • Clarify the conclusion to directly state your personal opinion rather than implying it. The conclusion should clearly summarize the main points discussed and reinforce your stance.
  • Improve coherence by ensuring that each paragraph has a clear central idea that is directly related to the task prompt. Use linking words and phrases to connect ideas effectively.
  • Develop each argument with more specific examples and evidence. For instance, when discussing the importance of public services, include specific examples of how investment in education and healthcare directly benefits society.
GRADED
5.5
Coherence and Cohesion:5.5
Lexical Resource:5.5
Grammatical Range:5.0
Task Achievement:5.5
Band Score:5.5
Coherence and Cohesion5.5
Logical structure5.5
Introduction & conclusion present5.5
Supported main points5.5
Accurate linking words5.5
Variety in linking words5.5
Lexical Resource5.5
Varied vocabulary5.5
Accurate spelling & word formation5.5
Grammatical Range5
Mix of complex & simple sentences5
Clear and correct grammar5
Task Achievement5.5
Complete response5.5
Clear & comprehensive ideas5.5
Relevant & specific examples5.5
Appropriate word count5.5
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