BAND 6.0 IELTS ESSAY SAMPLE: EFFECTIVE ALTERNATIVES TO PRISON SENTENCES FOR REDUCING CRIME RATES

Explore our comprehensive collection of IELTS Essay samples. This Band 6.0 example discusses the inefficacy of strict punishments and the rising trend of crime. Dive into the profound discussion of the root causes such as unemployment and lack of education, while exploring proposed solutions for crime prevention. An insightful resource for IELTS aspirants.

Writing Task

In many countries, the use of prison sentences as a punishment is seen as an increasingly ineffective method for reducing crime rates. Some people believe that alternative measures should be explored and adopted. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this viewpoint? Discuss alternative measures that could be implemented to reduce crime rates and provide your opinion on their potential effectiveness.

IELTS Writing Sample Essay with Band 5.5 Scoring and Feedback

The rate of crime is skyrocketing day in and day out thats why the government and policy makers incarcanate people in order to set an example for other criminals, however, I strongly believe that these policies have not gauranteed any result so far. It is probably fair to write that crime rates is going up on a regular basis, therefore we should do everything in our power to prevent crimes since prevention is better than cure. To beging with, ones ought to find out the reasons of crime. In my book, one of the biggest reasons of crime is unemployment without a doubt. According to statistics, more than six million people have been out of job since the economy collapse and it is a real catastrophe because people are not able to put food on the table and make ends meet. As individual, we are certainly weak so the policy makers need to put law in order to help those people who are living below the poverty line since poverty breeds crime. Another method which is worth to be mentioned is education. Lack of proper knowledge will increase the number of offenders in the society, therefore, we need to increase awareness among people about the die consequences of crimes. Offenders must know that commiting a crime does not help them at all, they should learn how to be responsible. In a nutshell, putting people in prison does not guarantee to reduce the crime rates. Creating enough jobs and proper education does.
Words: 251Paragraphs: 2
Submitted: 7/22/2023, 04:46 AM

Coherence And Cohesion5.5

The essay attempts to address the prompt by discussing the ineffectiveness of prison sentences and suggesting alternative measures like employment and education to reduce crime. However, the essay lacks clear organization and logical progression of ideas, which affects the overall coherence and cohesion.

Recommendations:

  • Ensure that each paragraph logically follows from the previous one, maintaining a clear progression of ideas throughout the essay.
  • Clarify connections between sentences within paragraphs to enhance flow and readability.
  • Improve paragraph structure by ensuring each paragraph has a clear central idea that is fully developed and supported with examples or explanations.
  • Use cohesive devices such as linking words and phrases (e.g., 'Firstly,' 'Moreover,' 'In addition') to connect ideas and paragraphs smoothly.

Lexical Resource5.5

The essay demonstrates a basic range of vocabulary with some attempts to use less common lexical items, but it is hindered by frequent errors in spelling and word choice, which sometimes obscure meaning.

Recommendations:

  • Expand your vocabulary by reading extensively and noting down new words and phrases. This will help in using a wider range of vocabulary accurately.
  • Work on improving word choice and collocations. For instance, use 'day by day' instead of 'day in and day out' for better clarity.
  • Ensure accurate use of phrases and idioms, such as 'in my book,' which may be informal for academic writing. Opt for more formal expressions like 'in my opinion.'
  • Pay attention to spelling errors such as 'incarcanate' (incarcerate), 'gauranteed' (guaranteed), 'beging' (begin), and 'commiting' (committing). Use spell-check tools or dictionaries to verify spelling.

Grammatical Range5.0

The essay demonstrates a basic level of grammatical range and accuracy, with frequent errors in sentence structure, verb forms, and punctuation that sometimes impede clarity.

Recommendations:

  • Improve verb tense consistency throughout the essay to maintain clarity and coherence, particularly when discussing current versus past events.
  • Pay attention to subject-verb agreement, especially in sentences with complex subjects or when using singular/plural forms.
  • Expand vocabulary to include more precise and varied language, which can help reduce repetition and enhance expression.
  • Review and practice complex sentence structures to enhance variety and clarity, such as using relative clauses, conditional sentences, and passive voice.
  • Work on punctuation accuracy, including the use of commas, periods, and apostrophes, to improve sentence clarity and readability.

Task Achievement5.5

The essay attempts to address the prompt by discussing the ineffectiveness of prison sentences and suggesting alternative measures such as addressing unemployment and promoting education to reduce crime rates. However, the response lacks a thorough exploration of the prompt and does not fully develop the argument or provide sufficient evidence to support the claims.

Recommendations:

  • Provide specific examples or evidence to support the claims about unemployment and education as alternative measures for reducing crime.
  • Expand on how the suggested measures would effectively reduce crime rates, providing a more detailed analysis of their potential impact.
  • Clearly state your position on the extent to which you agree or disagree with the viewpoint in the introduction and ensure this position is consistently developed throughout the essay.
  • Ensure that all parts of the prompt are addressed, including a discussion of alternative measures and your opinion on their effectiveness, with a clear conclusion that summarizes your main points.
GRADED
5.5
Coherence and Cohesion:5.5
Lexical Resource:5.5
Grammatical Range:5.0
Task Achievement:5.5
Band Score:5.5
Coherence and Cohesion5.5
Logical structure6
Introduction & conclusion present5
Supported main points6
Accurate linking words5
Variety in linking words5
Lexical Resource5.5
Varied vocabulary6
Accurate spelling & word formation5
Grammatical Range5
Mix of complex & simple sentences5
Clear and correct grammar5
Task Achievement5.5
Complete response6
Clear & comprehensive ideas5
Relevant & specific examples5
Appropriate word count6
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