BAND 5.5 IELTS ESSAY SAMPLE: PROS AND CONS OF USING SMARTPHONES IN SCHOOL EDUCATION

Explore both sides of the debate on students using smartphones in school with our Band 5.5 IELTS essay sample. Get insights into how mobile phones can both enhance learning and act as a distraction. Learn about potential solutions like setting limits on phone usage during class hours.

Writing Task

Some people believe that allowing students to use smartphones in schools negatively impacts their education, while others argue that smartphones can be a useful tool in the learning process. Discuss both views and give your own opinion. Provide relevant examples and supporting evidence in your response.

IELTS Writing Sample Essay with Band 5.5 Scoring and Feedback

people have different views about children have the permission to use cellphones at school ant its impact on learning process. while I agree with the idea that smartphones could actually help students enhance their knowledge, I believe that mobile phones also could be a strong distraction for pupils. on the one hand, handsets could be useful and practical for students. Firstly, it could help them to search easily about anything they might want to know. Secondly, there are some AI and applications that they could use to check their answers or write them an essay so fast and effort less. Finally, as smartphones are very important and necessary for this generation, if they could have it by themselves they are more relived and they could listen to their teacher with no concern or stress. For example, I remember when I was a kid, I used to have my cellphone in my hand every where I went, it became part of my body and I couldn't get separate from that. on the other hand, handsets could definitely be a distraction for pupils and have negative effects on their learning. There is a good idea that teacher could set a time limit for pupils for using their mobile phones in a way that they could use them only at break times. Every single notification and massage can distract a pupils even if they are interest in the course that they are listening to. For example, I remember that we had a course at university named ethicology which was taught by a professor that had a unique way for teaching, we really loved his teaching and learned a lot, but I cannot say that I have never got distracted by my cellphone even at my favorite class. Therefore, handsets are generally a strong distraction and it would be better if schools forbid students to bring their mobile phones in the class. in conclusion, I acknowledge that smartphones could be a helpful device for students, but it seems to me that they could be a distraction for pupils and interrupt the process of learning.
Words: 350Paragraphs: 1
Submitted: 7/22/2023, 07:34 AM

Coherence And Cohesion5.5

The essay demonstrates a basic structure with clear paragraphing and attempts to discuss both views as per the prompt. However, there are issues with logical progression and clarity between ideas and within paragraphs.

Recommendations:

  • Use varied sentence structures to maintain reader interest and enhance the clarity of ideas.
  • Ensure each paragraph has a clear topic sentence that outlines the main idea being discussed to improve coherence.
  • Use linking words and phrases more effectively to connect ideas within and between paragraphs, such as 'Furthermore,' 'Moreover,' 'On the contrary,' and 'In addition.'
  • Avoid repetition and ensure each paragraph contributes uniquely to the argument, maintaining cohesion throughout the essay.
  • Improve the logical flow by organizing ideas more systematically, ensuring each point logically follows the previous one.

Lexical Resource5.5

The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary with some attempt to use less common words and phrases. However, there are noticeable errors in word choice, spelling, and formality that affect clarity and precision.

Recommendations:

  • Work on collocations and word combinations, such as 'permission to use' instead of 'permission to have' and 'effortless' instead of 'effort less'.
  • Use more precise language to express ideas, for instance, specifying what 'AI and applications' refer to in the context of education.
  • Improve spelling accuracy by carefully proofreading the essay for errors such as 'ant' instead of 'and' and 'massage' instead of 'message'.
  • Expand vocabulary range by learning and incorporating more precise and varied synonyms for common words like 'useful' and 'practical'.
  • Enhance formality by avoiding informal expressions such as 'part of my body' and using more academic language.

Grammatical Range5.5

The essay demonstrates a moderate range of grammatical structures, but there are noticeable errors in sentence construction, punctuation, and word form. The use of complex sentences is limited, and there are issues with subject-verb agreement and article usage.

Recommendations:

  • Vary sentence structures to include more compound and complex sentences rather than relying on simple sentences.
  • Use articles appropriately, for example, change 'at school ant its impact on learning process' to 'at school and its impact on the learning process.'
  • Improve punctuation by capitalizing the first word of each sentence and using commas correctly to separate clauses.
  • Increase the use of complex sentences to enhance grammatical range, for example, by combining shorter sentences with conjunctions or relative clauses.
  • Correct word forms, such as changing 'effort less' to 'effortless.'
  • Ensure subject-verb agreement is correct, such as changing 'people have different views about children have the permission' to 'people have different views about whether children should have permission.'

Task Achievement5.5

The essay addresses both perspectives on the use of smartphones in schools, providing personal anecdotes and reasoning to support each view. The writer clearly states their opinion, aligning with the prompt's requirements.

Recommendations:

  • Provide more balanced and specific examples from educational research or statistics to strengthen the argument for both views.
  • Clearly link examples to the main argument to enhance coherence and demonstrate a deeper understanding of how smartphones impact education.
  • Ensure that each perspective is equally developed to avoid bias towards one view over the other.
GRADED
5.5
Coherence and Cohesion:5.5
Lexical Resource:5.5
Grammatical Range:5.5
Task Achievement:5.5
Band Score:5.5
Coherence and Cohesion5.5
Logical structure5.5
Introduction & conclusion present5.5
Supported main points5.5
Accurate linking words5.5
Variety in linking words5.5
Lexical Resource5.5
Varied vocabulary5.5
Accurate spelling & word formation5.5
Grammatical Range5.5
Mix of complex & simple sentences5.5
Clear and correct grammar5.5
Task Achievement5.5
Complete response5.5
Clear & comprehensive ideas5.5
Relevant & specific examples5.5
Appropriate word count5.5
Grade Your Essay