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BAND 5.5 IELTS ESSAY SAMPLE: EXPLORING THE RISING CRIME RATES AND SOLUTIONS GLOBALLY

Explore our IELTS essay sample that scores 5.5. Dive into the discussion on the impact of negative news coverage on society, from emotional effects to informative benefits. Understand how to construct effective arguments for your IELTS essay through this in-depth example.

Writing Task

In many countries, the amount of crime is increasing. What do you think are the main causes of crime? How can we deal with those causes? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

IELTS Writing Sample Essay with Band 5.5 Scoring and Feedback

The tendency of news reports in the media to focus on problems and emergencies than on positive developments is harmful to the individuals and the society as a whole. To what extent do you agree or disagree? Nowadays, the news stream of the world would rather cover more negative news and emphasize on the problematic conditions than positive one which is not to the best of the community. In my opinion, I agree that news producers opt for broadcasting negative words but this does not mean that it is consistently to the worst of the society. In my opinion, exposure to negative news and doom scrolling can be along with detrimental effects on the soul of the people. For example, learning about occurrence of a terror, a plane crash and a bank robbery would make people consider themselves being in the same situation which can develop emotional and effective conditions like depression, anxiety and trauma. These conditions may result in changes in individuals’ mood affecting their relationships with others and in the long run debilitate them physically. It can, therefore, be said that constant exposure to the latest events of the world does not necessarily lead to sheer awareness of the incidents, it has some unwanted ramifications as well. However, I do not believe that we should be ignorant of the informative and educational aspects of news, even if it is negative. For example, during outbreak of Corona virus worldwide one of the items which was in the shortlist of all news bulletins was raising information about the disease and how to avoid being infected in spite of its seemingly negative content. Also, when the vaccine was discovered and distributed among countries individuals must have known about vaccination centers via news. As well as this, in the case of being hit by an earthquake or flood, people could understand about the muster points or safe areas by listening to news. In conclusion, despite wide coverage of the negative news by news makers which is not to useful for the society in terms of their personality health, I do not reckon we should ignore all news items due to their doom contents.
Words: 361Paragraphs: 3
Submitted: 7/23/2023, 11:00 AM

Coherence And Cohesion5.5

The essay presents a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, the coherence between ideas and the cohesion within paragraphs could be improved. The essay tends to drift off-topic, discussing the impact of negative news on individuals rather than focusing on the causes of crime and solutions.

Recommendations:

  • Ensure that each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next, maintaining a logical flow of ideas throughout the essay.
  • Improve paragraph cohesion by using linking words and phrases more effectively to connect ideas within paragraphs.
  • Use topic sentences that clearly outline the main idea of each paragraph, ensuring it aligns with the task prompt.
  • Ensure that the essay directly addresses the task prompt, focusing on the causes of crime and solutions rather than unrelated topics.

Lexical Resource6.0

The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary with some attempts at using less common lexical items. However, there are instances of inappropriate word choices and collocations, which slightly hinder clarity and precision.

Recommendations:

  • Work on expanding your vocabulary range by learning and practicing more precise and varied expressions, especially for topics related to media and its impact on society.
  • Pay attention to collocations and ensure that words are used in the correct context. For example, 'emphasize on' should be 'emphasize' without 'on', and 'opt for broadcasting' could be more naturally expressed as 'tend to broadcast'.
  • Try to vary your language by avoiding repetition of words such as 'news' and 'negative'. Use synonyms or paraphrase to demonstrate lexical flexibility.

Grammatical Range6.0

The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of grammatical structures, including complex sentences, but there are frequent errors in grammar and punctuation that sometimes obscure meaning.

Recommendations:

  • Improve subject-verb agreement, as seen in the sentence 'news stream of the world would rather cover more negative news.' It should be 'news streams of the world would rather cover more negative news.'
  • Pay attention to article usage, such as 'the problematic conditions than positive one,' which should be 'the problematic conditions than positive ones.'
  • Ensure consistent verb tense usage, particularly in sentences like 'news producers opt for broadcasting negative words but this does not mean that it is consistently to the worst of the society,' which could be improved to 'news producers opt for broadcasting negative news, but this does not consistently mean the worst for society.'
  • Use commas correctly to separate clauses, for example, 'In my opinion, exposure to negative news and doom scrolling can be along with detrimental effects on the soul of the people.' should be 'In my opinion, exposure to negative news and doom scrolling can have detrimental effects on people's well-being.'
  • Avoid run-on sentences by breaking them into shorter, clearer sentences. For instance, 'These conditions may result in changes in individuals’ mood affecting their relationships with others and in the long run debilitate them physically.' could be split into two sentences for clarity.
  • Work on sentence fragments and run-on sentences such as 'It can, therefore, be said that constant exposure to the latest events of the world does not necessarily lead to sheer awareness of the incidents, it has some unwanted ramifications as well.' This could be corrected to 'Constant exposure to the latest events of the world does not necessarily lead to sheer awareness of the incidents; it also has some unwanted ramifications.'

Task Achievement5.0

The essay does not address the task prompt about the causes of crime and solutions. Instead, it focuses on the impact of negative news reporting, which is unrelated to the given topic.

Recommendations:

  • Re-read the task prompt carefully before planning and writing the essay to ensure alignment with the task requirements.
  • Ensure that the essay directly responds to the task prompt, discussing the main causes of crime and potential solutions.
  • Include relevant examples and explanations that are directly connected to the topic of crime and its causes.
GRADED
5.5
Coherence and Cohesion:5.5
Lexical Resource:6.0
Grammatical Range:6.0
Task Achievement:5.0
Band Score:5.5
Coherence and Cohesion5.5
Logical structure5
Introduction & conclusion present5
Supported main points5
Accurate linking words6
Variety in linking words6
Lexical Resource6
Varied vocabulary6
Accurate spelling & word formation6
Grammatical Range6
Mix of complex & simple sentences6
Clear and correct grammar6
Task Achievement5
Complete response5
Clear & comprehensive ideas5
Relevant & specific examples5
Appropriate word count5
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