BAND 5.5 IELTS ESSAY SAMPLE: COMPETITIVE VS NON-COMPETITIVE SPORTS IN SCHOOL CURRICULUM - A BALANCED DISCUSSION

Explore our IELTS essay sample scoring a Band 5.5, discussing the importance of sports in school curriculum. Uncover how sports improve spirituality and teach vital life lessons while addressing potential downsides. A must-read for IELTS aspirants and educators seeking insights on balanced school programs.

Writing Task

Some people believe that competitive sports, both team and individual, have no place in the school curriculum and should be replaced by non-competitive physical activities. Others argue that sports contribute positively to a child's education and should be included in the school program. Discuss both views and give your own opinion. Support your answer with relevant examples and reasons.

IELTS Writing Sample Essay with Band 5.5 Scoring and Feedback

Sport plays an important role in every schools. While it is claimed that it is compulsory to omit sports, whether competitive or individual, from schools' schedule, a considerable number of people believe that it is better to involve which I totally advocate it. It can contribute to a better spiritual as well as learning some lessons. Playing sport can undeniably improve spiritual. Students have some rejuvenating times to calm their mind and because of that, can progress in their lessons. For example, some schools can be mentioned which have put off sport and forced students to just focusing on their home works. as a consequence of that, after a while, school are being afflicted for students and try to avoid it. Another cons for maintaining sport in schedule is related to learning lessons from these activities. Sports, specially group ones, can teach team work which ,from my point of view, can makes the dream works and pursue everyone's dream. For an illustration, we can talk about some sports like football which has a vast number of fan and World Wide cup plays an essential role in this. we can see 11 people who cooperate and try together. As a result, they achieve what is important for them and be satisfied by themselves. Unlike, some people argue and claim sport has some varied drawbacks. Student has to spend their times on learning lessons and by playing sport they just wasting their valuable time. Moreover, sport can be cause of some acute injuries which can be resulted in some crucially significant problems. From, my point of view, it is obligatory for every students to have some recreational time by doing sport and not just concentrate on their lessons. Additionally, they can use some protective equipment to prevent from injuries. In conclusion, some people suggest to remove sport, both individual and team from students' schedule. however, a huge number of people contrast whit this belief and find out sport as a positive program which I completely agree with. It can lead students to a better spiritual as well as learning some lessons. despite I am fan of remaining sports, In my opinion, in the foreseeable future, a remarkable number of schools will definitely forget about sports in students' program.
Words: 376Paragraphs: 5
Submitted: 7/24/2023, 08:57 AM

Coherence And Cohesion5.5

The essay attempts to present both views on the inclusion of sports in the school curriculum, but the coherence and cohesion are hindered by unclear structure and inconsistent use of linking words.

Recommendations:

  • Use a variety of cohesive devices, such as 'however', 'furthermore', and 'on the other hand', to clearly signal the relationship between ideas and paragraphs.
  • Avoid abrupt transitions between ideas by ensuring that each point logically follows from the previous one.
  • Ensure that examples used are directly relevant to the point being made and are introduced and explained clearly within the paragraph.
  • Ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence that directly relates to the main argument of the paragraph.
  • Improve paragraph structure by ensuring each paragraph focuses on a single main idea and develops it fully before moving to the next.

Lexical Resource5.0

The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary with some effective use of less common words and phrases, such as 'rejuvenating times' and 'protective equipment'. However, there are frequent errors in word choice, collocation, and formality, which sometimes impede understanding. For example, phrases like 'better spiritual' and 'sport can be cause of some acute injuries' are awkward and unclear. Additionally, there are several spelling errors and inconsistencies in word forms, such as 'schools' schedule' instead of 'school's schedule', and 'fan' instead of 'fans'.

Recommendations:

  • Incorporate more varied and precise vocabulary to express ideas more clearly and accurately.
  • Pay attention to spelling and word forms, ensuring consistency and correctness.
  • Avoid informal language and contractions in formal essays, such as 'whit' instead of 'with', and 'be cause' instead of 'because'.
  • Improve word choice and collocation by practicing with vocabulary exercises focused on context and usage.

Grammatical Range5.0

The essay demonstrates a basic range of grammatical structures but lacks accuracy and complexity. There are frequent errors in sentence structure, verb forms, and agreement, which impede clarity and coherence.

Recommendations:

  • Use a variety of complex sentence structures to enhance the grammatical range, such as using relative clauses and conditional sentences.
  • Pay attention to verb forms and tenses, ensuring consistency, e.g., 'can makes' should be 'can make' and 'can be cause' should be 'can cause'.
  • Avoid run-on sentences by using proper conjunctions or breaking them into shorter sentences for clarity.
  • Ensure subject-verb agreement throughout the essay, e.g., 'every schools' should be 'every school' and 'Student has' should be 'Students have'.
  • Correct punctuation errors, such as missing capitals at the beginning of sentences and incorrect use of commas, to improve readability.

Task Achievement5.5

The essay addresses the task prompt by discussing both views on the inclusion of competitive sports in the school curriculum and provides the writer's opinion in favor of maintaining sports. The writer presents arguments for sports contributing to spiritual well-being and teamwork, while also acknowledging the opposing view concerning time and injury risks.

Recommendations:

  • Ensure that each viewpoint is equally developed with supporting examples. The essay could benefit from more balance, as the arguments against sports are less detailed.
  • Clarify the main ideas and ensure they directly address the task. For instance, the term 'spiritual' is vague and could be replaced with a more precise expression such as 'mental well-being'.
  • Provide more specific examples to support the claims made. For instance, when discussing the benefits of teamwork, a specific example of how sports have been integrated into successful educational programs could strengthen the argument.
  • Improve the coherence and clarity of the argument. The essay's structure could be enhanced by clearly delineating the discussion of both views before presenting the writer's opinion.
GRADED
5.5
Coherence and Cohesion:5.5
Lexical Resource:5.0
Grammatical Range:5.0
Task Achievement:5.5
Band Score:5.5
Coherence and Cohesion5.5
Logical structure5
Introduction & conclusion present6
Supported main points5
Accurate linking words5
Variety in linking words6
Lexical Resource5
Varied vocabulary5
Accurate spelling & word formation5
Grammatical Range5
Mix of complex & simple sentences5
Clear and correct grammar5
Task Achievement5.5
Complete response6
Clear & comprehensive ideas5
Relevant & specific examples5
Appropriate word count6
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