BAND 6.5 IELTS ESSAY SAMPLE: TECHNOLOGICAL ADVANCEMENTS IMPACT ON JOB OPPORTUNITIES VERSUS HUMAN LABOR REDUCTION

Explore the sociocultural impact of technology with our IELTS essay sample, scoring band 6.5. Discuss the pros and cons of mobile phone usage, its role in strengthening distant relationships, and possible social isolation due to excessive use. Learn the art of balanced argumentation and score high in IELTS.

Writing Task

Some people argue that technological advancements have led to a significant reduction in the need for human labor, while others believe that these innovations have contributed to increased job opportunities. Discuss both views and give your own opinion. Support your answer with relevant examples and evidence.

IELTS Writing Sample Essay with Band 5.0 Scoring and Feedback

Undoubtedly, technology has revolutionized the way we communicate these days. There are sets of people who consider that invention like mobile phone are making people less social. In my opinion, I agree with this statement to some extend as per the notion, technology is a two edge sword which offers both merits as well as demerits. To commence with, the introduction of mobile phones is a blessing in disguise for the people. As this invention immensely helped people to strengthen their relationship with their loved ones living at far distances. Now they can easily talk face to face anywhere and anytime. Consequently, they became more socially active. For example, in the bygone era, people used to write letters or telegram which took longer to reach their family members. However, now they can talk to any person just at their finger click. Moreover, the social messaging application such as WhatsApp in these advanced phones bolster /enables people to become part of many social groups. Thus, they become socially connected and grows a healthy social network with others. On the other hand, there are some demerits as well of excessive phone usage, which make people less social as they develop more virtual relationships but lacks in real relationships. People spend a lot of time with their mobile phones rather than spending time with their friends and family members. This leads to isolation. For instance, earlier people used to gather at the dining table and spend some quality time with their kins and alter ego. But nowadays everyone is busy using their phones while sitting on the dining table and interact less with each other. Hence, due to this reason people are becoming socially disabled and isolated. In conclusion, I assert that the suffice use mobile phone is a boon to the mankind and its excessive use is detrimental. So it is up to people to decide how wisely they want to use this technological creation for socialization.
Words: 325Paragraphs: 1
Submitted: 7/21/2023, 11:23 AM

Coherence And Cohesion5.0

The essay lacks clear coherence and cohesion, as it does not directly address the task prompt regarding technological advancements and job opportunities. Instead, it focuses on the impact of mobile phones on social interactions. The structure is somewhat logical, but the paragraphs do not effectively connect back to the main prompt. Transition words are used, but they do not always contribute to a cohesive argument related to the task.

Recommendations:

  • Vary the use of cohesive devices to avoid repetition and enhance the flow between ideas.
  • Use topic sentences that directly relate to the prompt to guide the reader through your argument.
  • Improve paragraph transitions by linking ideas back to the main topic of technological advancements and their impact on employment.
  • Ensure that each paragraph directly addresses the task prompt about technological advancements and job opportunities. Clearly define the scope of discussion in the introduction.

Lexical Resource5.5

The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary with some attempts at less common lexical items, such as 'revolutionized', 'blessing in disguise', and 'detrimental'. However, there are noticeable issues with word choice and collocation, such as 'to some extend' instead of 'to some extent', and 'two edge sword' instead of 'double-edged sword'. Additionally, there is some repetition of words and phrases, which could be improved by using synonyms or varying expressions.

Recommendations:

  • Expand vocabulary by learning synonyms to reduce repetition and enhance expression diversity.
  • Work on improving word choice and collocation accuracy by studying common phrases and expressions, such as 'to some extent' and 'double-edged sword'.
  • Incorporate more precise and varied vocabulary related to the topic to demonstrate a wider lexical range.

Grammatical Range5.0

The essay demonstrates a moderate range of grammatical structures, with some complex sentences and a variety of sentence types. However, there are noticeable grammatical inaccuracies, particularly with subject-verb agreement, article usage, and some awkward phrasing that affects clarity.

Recommendations:

  • Improve article usage by correctly using 'a', 'an', and 'the'. For example, 'a two edge sword' should be 'a two-edged sword' and 'the suffice use mobile phone' should be 'the sufficient use of mobile phones'.
  • Work on sentence structure to avoid awkward phrasing, such as 'As this invention immensely helped people to strengthen their relationship' could be rephrased for clarity and grammatical accuracy.
  • Use a wider range of complex structures, such as conditionals or passive voice, to demonstrate more grammatical variety.
  • Ensure subject-verb agreement is consistently correct, such as 'invention like mobile phone are' should be 'inventions like mobile phones are'.

Task Achievement5.0

The essay does not directly address the task prompt, which is about technological advancements affecting job opportunities. Instead, it discusses the impact of mobile phones on social relationships, which is off-topic.

Recommendations:

  • Conclude with a clear opinion on the main topic, summarizing the discussion on job opportunities.
  • Ensure the essay directly addresses the task prompt by discussing how technological advancements affect job opportunities, not social interactions.
  • Provide balanced discussion of both views regarding technology's impact on employment, using relevant examples and evidence.
GRADED
5.0
Coherence and Cohesion:5.0
Lexical Resource:5.5
Grammatical Range:5.0
Task Achievement:5.0
Band Score:5.0
Coherence and Cohesion5
Logical structure5
Introduction & conclusion present5
Supported main points5
Accurate linking words5
Variety in linking words5
Lexical Resource5.5
Varied vocabulary6
Accurate spelling & word formation5
Grammatical Range5
Mix of complex & simple sentences5
Clear and correct grammar5
Task Achievement5
Complete response5
Clear & comprehensive ideas5
Relevant & specific examples5
Appropriate word count5
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