BAND 6.5 IELTS ESSAY SAMPLE: POTENTIAL IMPACTS AND SOLUTIONS FOR AGING POPULATION TRENDS

Explore in-depth insights on the challenges of an aging population in our Band 6.5 IELTS essay sample. Dive into discussions on decreasing labor force, increasing depression rates among the elderly, and potential remedies like increasing young populations. Detailed strategies to counter the societal effect of an aging population. Discover and learn more about managing the impacts of population aging on society.

Writing Task

In many countries, people are living increasingly longer lives, and the average age of the population is on the rise. Discuss the potential consequences of an aging population and suggest possible solutions to address these challenges. Use relevant evidence or examples to support your answer.

IELTS Writing Sample Essay with Band 5.0 Scoring and Feedback

Varied opinions have been put on the table when it comes to the aging population. However, almost all of us know about consequences of it. In this essay, I will discuss this more in detail in paragraphs to come and explain whether this challenge could be solved or no at the end. To begin with, it is very likely that an aging population causes to decent of labors. Due to decrease the young workers, the efficiency of company will be decreased easily. Another result of this phenomenon is depression too, which could be seen on old people more. Aging people have exposed depression which can bothers them in a bad way. For example, we face some people in ages that they do not have a tendency to go out or gathering with their families or their friends. In order to remedy this problem, some steps should be taken. Firstly, increasing the number of young population is considered. This strategy is practical by making a quick decision to force young people to get married, which leads to increase the factor as named happiness through the society. Also, the next step can be encourage people to have a baby. It is considered that having a baby could have a good impact on the social in terms of being a society in young generation more than before. Aging population has detrimental effects on the society such as decreasing the number of labors, depression and so on. some ways can be effective to tackle this problem. Thus, this makes it clear that aging population can be a hazard for the society and it should be considered in long run.
Words: 275Paragraphs: 1
Submitted: 7/18/2023, 04:29 PM

Coherence And Cohesion5.0

The essay attempts to address the task prompt by discussing the consequences of an aging population and suggesting solutions. However, it lacks clear logical progression and organization, which affects coherence and cohesion. The introduction does not clearly outline the structure of the essay, and paragraphs lack clear topic sentences and transitions. Additionally, the essay does not effectively use cohesive devices to guide the reader through the argument.

Recommendations:

  • Conclude each paragraph with a sentence that summarizes the main point and links it to the next paragraph, enhancing the overall cohesion of the essay.
  • Use cohesive devices such as 'Firstly,' 'In addition,' 'Furthermore,' and 'Finally' to link ideas and paragraphs, ensuring a smooth flow of information.
  • Clarify the introduction to clearly outline the structure of the essay, indicating what each paragraph will discuss.
  • Ensure each paragraph has a clear topic sentence that outlines the main idea, helping to guide the reader through the essay logically.

Lexical Resource5.0

The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary with some attempts at using less common words and phrases. However, there are noticeable lexical errors and awkward expressions that affect clarity and precision.

Recommendations:

  • Expand vocabulary usage to include more precise and varied words to express ideas more clearly and accurately.
  • Avoid repetition of words and phrases by using synonyms to enhance lexical resource.
  • Work on collocation and word choice to ensure phrases are natural and appropriate for the context.
  • Pay attention to word forms and grammatical accuracy to avoid errors such as 'causes to decent of labors' and 'aging people have exposed depression.'

Grammatical Range5.0

The essay demonstrates a limited grammatical range and accuracy. There are frequent grammatical errors that impede understanding, such as incorrect verb forms, subject-verb agreement issues, and awkward phrasing. The sentence structures are often repetitive and lack complexity, which affects the overall coherence and clarity of the essay.

Recommendations:

  • Practice using a variety of connectors and linking words to improve the flow between ideas and sentences.
  • Expand the range of sentence structures used, incorporating more complex and compound sentences to enhance the essay's coherence.
  • Review the use of articles ('a', 'an', 'the') to ensure they are used correctly and consistently.
  • Work on subject-verb agreement, ensuring subjects and verbs match in number and tense.
  • Improve verb forms and verb usage to convey the correct meaning, e.g., 'causes to decent' should be corrected to 'leads to a decrease in'.

Task Achievement5.0

The essay addresses the task by identifying potential consequences of an aging population, such as reduced labor force and increased depression among the elderly. It also proposes solutions like encouraging marriage and childbirth to increase the young population. However, the essay lacks specific examples and detailed analysis of the consequences and solutions, which affects the depth of the argument.

Recommendations:

  • Provide more detailed analysis and specific examples for each consequence and solution to strengthen the argument.
  • Ensure that each paragraph fully develops one main idea related to the task, with supporting details and examples.
  • Clearly state the consequences and solutions in the introduction to set a clear framework for the essay.
GRADED
5.0
Coherence and Cohesion:5.0
Lexical Resource:5.0
Grammatical Range:5.0
Task Achievement:5.0
Band Score:5.0
Coherence and Cohesion5
Logical structure5
Introduction & conclusion present5
Supported main points5
Accurate linking words5
Variety in linking words5
Lexical Resource5
Varied vocabulary5
Accurate spelling & word formation5
Grammatical Range5
Mix of complex & simple sentences5
Clear and correct grammar5
Task Achievement5
Complete response5
Clear & comprehensive ideas5
Relevant & specific examples5
Appropriate word count5
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