BAND 6.5 IELTS ESSAY SAMPLE: DISCUSSING THE ROLE AND IMPACT OF COMPETITIVE SPORTS IN SCHOOL CURRICULUM

Explore our comprehensive IELTS essay sample scoring a band 6.5. Understand the merits and drawbacks of competitive and non-competitive sports in school curriculum. Get insights on how to maintain a balance between healthy rivalry and non-conflicting exercises to promote holistic development in students.

Writing Task

Some people believe that competitive sports, both team and individual, have no place in the school curriculum and should be replaced by non-competitive physical activities. Others argue that sports contribute positively to a child's education and should be included in the school program. Discuss both views and give your own opinion. Support your answer with relevant examples and reasons.

IELTS Writing Sample Essay with Band 5.0 Scoring and Feedback

Among all various subjects in school, PE can be known as one of the favoured lessons, since it provides a situation in which students can relief themselves by doing dynamic activities. Indeed, different types of sports can be added to the student's year course,however, there is an argument over picking the competitive or uncompetitive ones. Although rivalrous sports increase the passion through exercising, the followed negative impacts might be irrecoverable while cooperative ones might end up with better results. Working out regularly cuases great benefits especially in young ages, therefore it would be highly important to remain youngsters encouraged to do exercise. Accordingly, if feeling of failure vanishes joy and enthusiasm of doing physical activities,which probably happens in competitions,it may deter teenagers from doing any sort of sports ever again. Most likely, such an experience can influence the children's manner in future in a way that they will always be low-confident to take risks and participate in social events in which they must cope up with opponents. Needless to say, that the more competition pupils take part in, the more their rivalry spirit rises up, yet the competing may be taken overserious. Which, can bring upon physical injuries while the desire of winning, ceases juveniles to think appropriately. Therefore, they play football, basketball or other related games, more aggressively, which will cause heath issues for other competitors. On the other hand non-competetive exercises such as aerobics, gymnastics, yoga, and pilates promote a more relaxed environment, engaging in a sport for the fun of it, as a means of destressing. Moreover, they teach convenient skills, stimulate healthy growth in a safe environment, and encourage self-development. In conclusion, the both aforementioned kinds of sports lead students to undergo some advantages and disadvantages, nonetheless, the possible detrimental effects of merciless activities can be high. Relevantly, non-conflicting exercises should consider as the main action to take place in school curriculum.
Words: 316Paragraphs: 4
Submitted: 7/21/2023, 02:33 PM

Coherence And Cohesion5.0

The essay presents a logical structure with a clear introduction, body paragraphs discussing both sides, and a conclusion. However, the coherence is sometimes disrupted by unclear transitions and abrupt shifts in ideas. The cohesion is occasionally weakened by the inconsistent use of linking words and phrases, which affects the overall flow of the essay.

Recommendations:

  • Use more varied linking words to connect sentences within paragraphs, such as 'furthermore', 'in addition', or 'however', to enhance the flow and cohesion.
  • Improve the use of transitional phrases to clearly signal shifts between ideas. For example, when introducing the opposing view, use phrases like 'On the other hand' or 'Conversely' to enhance clarity.
  • Ensure each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence that outlines the main idea, aiding the reader in understanding the paragraph's focus.
  • Clarify the relationship between ideas within paragraphs to prevent abrupt transitions, ensuring each point logically follows from the previous one.

Lexical Resource5.0

The essay demonstrates a varied lexical resource with some effective use of vocabulary related to the topic of sports in education. However, there are several instances of inappropriate word choices and incorrect collocations, which affect the clarity and precision of the expression.

Recommendations:

  • Pay attention to spelling errors such as 'cuases' (causes), 'overserious' (overly serious), and 'competetive' (competitive) to improve overall lexical accuracy.
  • Expand the range of vocabulary by learning more synonyms and topic-specific terms related to education and sports, such as 'curriculum integration,' 'physical education,' and 'skill development.'
  • Use a wider variety of linking words and phrases to enhance coherence and cohesion, such as 'conversely,' 'in contrast,' or 'on the contrary' to better connect ideas.
  • Avoid repetition of words like 'exercise' and 'sports' by using synonyms or rephrasing to maintain reader interest and demonstrate lexical variety.
  • Improve the use of collocations and ensure word choices are contextually appropriate, e.g., 'relief themselves' should be 'relieve themselves' and 'rivalrous sports' should be 'competitive sports.'

Grammatical Range5.0

The essay demonstrates a range of grammatical structures, including complex sentences, relative clauses, and various verb forms. However, there are numerous grammatical errors that affect clarity and coherence, such as incorrect verb forms, subject-verb agreement issues, and punctuation errors.

Recommendations:

  • Use correct verb forms consistently. For instance, 'Working out regularly cuases great benefits especially in young ages' should be 'causes.'
  • Use relative clauses correctly to add information without creating sentence fragments. For example, 'Which, can bring upon physical injuries while the desire of winning, ceases juveniles to think appropriately.' This fragment should be connected to a main clause.
  • Use more varied sentence structures to enhance grammatical range. Try incorporating more conditional sentences or passive voice where appropriate.
  • Ensure subject-verb agreement throughout the essay. For example, 'PE can be known as one of the favoured lessons, since it provides a situation in which students can relief themselves by doing dynamic activities.' should be 'relieve themselves.'
  • Improve sentence structure by avoiding run-on sentences and ensuring proper punctuation. For example, 'Accordingly, if feeling of failure vanishes joy and enthusiasm of doing physical activities,which probably happens in competitions,it may deter teenagers from doing any sort of sports ever again.' needs better punctuation to separate clauses.

Task Achievement5.0

The essay addresses the task prompt by discussing both views on whether competitive sports should be included in the school curriculum. It presents arguments for and against competitive sports and concludes with the author's opinion favoring non-competitive activities. However, the essay lacks clarity and depth in argumentation, and there are some inconsistencies in addressing both views equally.

Recommendations:

  • Use more precise language to clearly distinguish between competitive and non-competitive sports, avoiding ambiguity.
  • Ensure that both views are discussed with equal depth and clarity. Expand on the arguments for competitive sports to balance the discussion.
  • Provide specific examples to support each argument, enhancing the essay's persuasiveness and relevance.
  • Clarify the main opinion in the conclusion to ensure it aligns with the arguments presented throughout the essay.
GRADED
5.0
Coherence and Cohesion:5.0
Lexical Resource:5.0
Grammatical Range:5.0
Task Achievement:5.0
Band Score:5.0
Coherence and Cohesion5
Logical structure5
Introduction & conclusion present5
Supported main points5
Accurate linking words5
Variety in linking words5
Lexical Resource5
Varied vocabulary5
Accurate spelling & word formation5
Grammatical Range5
Mix of complex & simple sentences5
Clear and correct grammar5
Task Achievement5
Complete response5
Clear & comprehensive ideas5
Relevant & specific examples5
Appropriate word count6
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