BAND 6.5 IELTS ESSAY SAMPLE: DISCUSSING PROS AND CONS OF INCREASING ELDERLY POPULATION IN COUNTRIES

Explore the dual impacts of an aging population on society through our IELTS essay sample scoring a Band 6.5. Delve into how an increase in elder members affects employment, societal events, and problem management, based on real-life examples. Analyze whether the rise in elderly individuals is a boon or a bane for communities.

Writing Task

In many countries, the number of elderly people is increasing steadily. Some believe that this trend has negative effects on society, while others argue that it has positive impacts. Discuss both views and give your own opinion. Provide relevant examples and evidence to support your answer.

IELTS Writing Sample Essay with Band 5.0 Scoring and Feedback

There are more and more elder people in the society each year, and it is rising frequently. Having older people can have both negative effects and positive effects on society. Older people are usually retired from their jobs, and taking care of themselves. Even if they are working they are at a slow phase than many young employees. As elder people increase in the society, there are going to be less jobs. Moreover, if a society has more elders it's going have less number of events. Many companies nowadays employ individuals based on their experience. Having so much experience, elder people can get jobs easier than young people who are adopted to the lastest technology. For instance, a few years ago I used to live in a neighborhood with full of old people. Many young people there are jobless and started leaving the society. Having older people can have some positive effects on the society. Usually older people manage issues much more efficiently than young people with their experience. They also have more knowledge about life than other age groups in the society. Elder people might not be up to date with the technology, but they have a higher standards of studies. For example, my current neighborhood is usually managed by old men, and if any issues in the society is usually managed by them. As elderly people increase some parts of the society are benefited while the other are not. I do think increasing number of people can have more negative effects than positive effects.
Words: 256Paragraphs: 4
Submitted: 7/23/2023, 04:21 AM

Coherence And Cohesion5.0

The essay presents a clear attempt to discuss both views regarding the increase in the elderly population, but it lacks clear logical progression and effective use of cohesive devices, which affects the overall coherence and cohesion.

Recommendations:

  • Avoid repetition of ideas and phrases. For instance, the phrase 'having older people' is repeated several times without adding new information. Use synonyms or rephrase to maintain reader interest.
  • Use more cohesive devices to link ideas within and between paragraphs. Words like 'however', 'on the other hand', 'furthermore', and 'in contrast' can help to connect ideas more smoothly.
  • Ensure that pronouns and references are clear. For example, when referring to 'elder people', make sure it is clear which point you are discussing, to avoid confusion.
  • Improve paragraph structure by ensuring each paragraph has a clear central idea, supported by relevant examples and explanations. For instance, the first paragraph should focus solely on the negative effects, and the second on the positive effects.

Lexical Resource5.0

The essay demonstrates a basic range of vocabulary with some attempts at using less common words, but it also contains errors and lacks precision in lexical choice.

Recommendations:

  • Avoid informal language such as 'full of old people' and replace it with more formal expressions like 'predominantly elderly population.'
  • Use collocations correctly to improve the naturalness of your language. For example, instead of 'at a slow phase,' use 'at a slower pace.'
  • Incorporate more topic-specific vocabulary related to aging, employment, and societal impacts to enhance the essay's lexical resource.
  • Pay attention to spelling and word forms, such as 'adopted' instead of 'adapted' and 'lastest' instead of 'latest.'
  • Expand your range of vocabulary by learning synonyms and antonyms for commonly used words to avoid repetition and increase precision.

Grammatical Range5.0

The essay demonstrates a basic range of grammatical structures with some complex sentences, but there are frequent errors in grammar and sentence structure that may impede understanding.

Recommendations:

  • Pay attention to the correct use of articles and prepositions, as in 'a neighborhood with full of old people,' which should be 'a neighborhood full of old people.'
  • Improve sentence structure to avoid fragments and run-ons. For instance, 'Having older people can have both negative effects and positive effects on society.' could be more concise as 'Having older people can have both negative and positive effects on society.'
  • Increase the use of complex sentences to enhance grammatical range. For example, instead of 'Many companies nowadays employ individuals based on their experience. Having so much experience, elder people can get jobs easier than young people who are adopted to the lastest technology,' you could write 'Although many companies employ individuals based on experience, elder people, despite their wealth of experience, may struggle with the latest technology compared to younger individuals.'
  • Correct verb forms and tenses, such as 'young people who are adopted to the lastest technology,' should be 'young people who are adapted to the latest technology.'
  • Work on subject-verb agreement, particularly in sentences like 'There are more and more elder people in the society each year, and it is rising frequently.' The subject 'elder people' is plural, so 'is rising' should be 'are rising.'

Task Achievement5.0

The essay addresses the task prompt by discussing both positive and negative effects of an increasing elderly population. However, the arguments are not fully developed and lack sufficient evidence and examples to convincingly support the claims. The essay concludes with a personal opinion, but the reasoning behind it is not thoroughly explained.

Recommendations:

  • Avoid generalizations and provide specific contexts or scenarios to make the arguments more relatable and convincing.
  • Ensure that each paragraph fully develops one main idea, providing a balanced view by equally discussing both positive and negative aspects.
  • Clarify the conclusion by explaining why the negative effects outweigh the positive ones, using specific examples to strengthen the argument.
  • Provide more detailed examples and evidence to support each argument, such as statistics or studies that illustrate the impact of an aging population on employment or social structures.
GRADED
5.0
Coherence and Cohesion:5.0
Lexical Resource:5.0
Grammatical Range:5.0
Task Achievement:5.0
Band Score:5.0
Coherence and Cohesion5
Logical structure5
Introduction & conclusion present5
Supported main points5
Accurate linking words5
Variety in linking words5
Lexical Resource5
Varied vocabulary5
Accurate spelling & word formation5
Grammatical Range5
Mix of complex & simple sentences5
Clear and correct grammar5
Task Achievement5
Complete response5
Clear & comprehensive ideas5
Relevant & specific examples5
Appropriate word count5
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