BAND 6.5 IELTS ESSAY SAMPLE: DISCUSSING PERSONAL VS GOVERNMENT RESPONSIBILITY FOR HEALTH

Explore a comprehensive IELTS essay sample detailing the responsibility of caring for individuals with poor health. Discussing perspectives on family versus government-provided healthcare, this band 6.5 score essay offers in-depth analysis and viewpoints on the topic. Improves your IELTS writing skills with our carefully curated samples.

Writing Task

Some people argue that individuals should be held responsible for their poor health, while others believe that the government should bear the burden of providing healthcare for everyone. Discuss both views and give your own opinion. Support your answer with relevant examples and evidence.

IELTS Writing Sample Essay with Band 5.0 Scoring and Feedback

Variable opinions have been put on the table when it comes to the responsibility for caring health people. However, some say that people should care patient instead of providing an infrastructure for caring and curing everyone by the government. I will discuss this more in detail in paragraphs to come and explain whether I agree or disagree at the end. To begin with, no one can deny the fact that poor health people need to someone who knows everything about caring. In the case of responsibility for caring, families or friends should be educated to get knowledge of caring. It is considered that getting familiar with this topic costs, which is not affordable sometimes. Although staying family and friend beside poor health people is a must, they should have leisure time for proving this approach. Also, they should sacrifice their free time for being responsible in front of their weak health individuals among their families. Thus, the merits of this strategy are hard to support. An alternative position argues that making a pleasant society needs to focus on people's needs. The main necessary item is about caring, which could affect people's lives in terms of causes can make for them. Providing a proper center or a construction could make our lives easier. The government should invest on making these centers, which allocate budget to people who are interested in caring. These centers equip people to gain better facilities for caring and curing. For example, in developed countries, older people or poor health ones have extra insurance for amenities and facilities. Thus, this makes it clear that this approach can be substituted with other strategies. The heightened benefits of providing healthcare center focus on caring can clearly be seen. These days, the number of people who need to be cared become increased significantly. While some believe that caring families is the responsible for everyone, others say it should be solved by the government. I strongly agree with the second point.
Words: 329Paragraphs: 1
Submitted: 7/22/2023, 04:02 AM

Coherence And Cohesion5.0

The essay attempts to address both views of the prompt, but lacks clear organizational structure and logical flow. Transitions between ideas are abrupt and not well-connected, which affects the overall coherence. There are instances where ideas are repeated or not fully developed, leading to a lack of cohesion.

Recommendations:

  • Ensure that each paragraph flows logically to the next, maintaining a consistent argument throughout the essay.
  • Use linking words and phrases effectively to connect ideas within and between paragraphs, such as 'Moreover', 'In addition', 'On the other hand', and 'Therefore'.
  • Avoid repetition of ideas and ensure each paragraph contributes new information or analysis to the discussion.
  • Develop a clear essay structure with distinct paragraphs for introduction, body, and conclusion. Ensure each paragraph has a clear main idea and supporting details.

Lexical Resource5.0

The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary with some attempts at using less common lexical items. However, there are several instances of incorrect word choice and awkward phrasing that impede clarity and precision. For example, phrases like 'caring health people', 'care patient', and 'caring families is the responsible' are either unclear or incorrect in context.

Recommendations:

  • Expand your vocabulary range by reading more academic articles and noting down useful phrases and expressions.
  • Incorporate more topic-specific vocabulary related to healthcare and government policy to enhance the lexical resource.
  • Practice using collocations and phrases accurately. For example, 'responsible for' should be used correctly as 'families are responsible for' instead of 'caring families is the responsible'.
  • Focus on using precise and contextually appropriate vocabulary. For instance, use 'healthcare professionals' instead of 'caring health people', and 'healthcare responsibility' instead of 'care patient'.

Grammatical Range5.0

The essay demonstrates a limited range of grammatical structures, with frequent errors in sentence construction, verb forms, and subject-verb agreement. There are instances of incorrect word forms and awkward phrasing that affect clarity and coherence.

Recommendations:

  • Expand vocabulary to use more precise and varied word forms, reducing repetition and awkward phrasing.
  • Improve sentence structure by practicing complex and compound sentences to enhance variety and clarity.
  • Work on subject-verb agreement and verb tense consistency to avoid errors that affect comprehension.

Task Achievement5.0

The essay attempts to address the task by discussing both viewpoints regarding whether individuals or the government should be responsible for healthcare. However, the response lacks clarity and depth in exploring both perspectives and does not effectively support the arguments with relevant examples or evidence. The introduction is vague, and the thesis statement is not clearly articulated. The conclusion states an opinion but does not adequately summarize the discussion or reinforce the writer’s viewpoint.

Recommendations:

  • Ensure that the conclusion summarizes the key points discussed and clearly states your opinion, reinforcing the arguments made in the essay.
  • Use clear and precise language to articulate your arguments and avoid vague statements that do not directly address the task.
  • Clearly state the task in the introduction, outlining both views and your own opinion to set a clear direction for the essay.
  • Provide a balanced discussion of both viewpoints with specific examples and evidence to enhance the depth of the argument.
GRADED
5.0
Coherence and Cohesion:5.0
Lexical Resource:5.0
Grammatical Range:5.0
Task Achievement:5.0
Band Score:5.0
Coherence and Cohesion5
Logical structure5
Introduction & conclusion present5
Supported main points5
Accurate linking words5
Variety in linking words5

Lexical Resource5
Varied vocabulary5
Accurate spelling & word formation5

Grammatical Range5
Mix of complex & simple sentences5
Clear and correct grammar5

Task Achievement5
Complete response5
Clear & comprehensive ideas5
Relevant & specific examples5
Appropriate word count5