BAND 6.5 IELTS ESSAY SAMPLE: AFFORDABLE HOUSING FOR YOUNG ADULTS - GOVERNMENTAL ROLE AND PERSPECTIVE

Explore our Band 6.5 IELTS essay sample addressing the difficulty in property buying due to high prices. Discover innovative solutions for home ownership and understand the role of hard work & perseverance in achieving it. This piece advocates for self-reliance over governmental aid in securing properties.

Writing Task

In many countries, owning a home has become increasingly difficult for young adults, as housing prices continue to rise. Some people argue that governments should provide affordable housing to help young adults purchase their first property. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement? Provide your opinion and support it with relevant examples from your own experience or knowledge.

IELTS Writing Sample Essay with Band 5.0 Scoring and Feedback

In recent years, buying a property, specifically a house, has been quite troublesome due to the high prices of lands and houses. Some might think that they need the governments to support them in some way. However, I do not agree with this idea. Firstly, there should be other solutions to owning a "home", you don't need a big house or a mansion to live, the problem of owning a big house and not mentioning you have to pay a lot to get it, is the bills of things such as water, electricity, etc. It is hard to get a job and work everyday so a good solution is to find a small house or even an apartment for you to call it "home", it can be cost efficient . For example, if you don't have the budget to buy a house on ground level and pay the cost for living, you can result to renting an apartment. Secondly, humans have develop the ability to thrive everyday, human beings are capable of working for what they want for how hard it gets. For example, if you want a house you need to work hard everyday to achieve it. If the governments help the majority of the people, they will find it meaningless to have a hard working job because the governor can supply them with what they need, thus causing a massive problem with the economy. I suggest the people who are dreaming of getting a house should put it on an higher stake so they can work harder everyday. In conclusion, nothing is impossible if you put your blood, tears and sweat into it.
Words: 275Paragraphs: 1
Submitted: 7/14/2023, 12:06 PM

Coherence And Cohesion5.0

The essay has a basic structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, the logical flow of ideas is somewhat disrupted by abrupt transitions and lack of clear connections between points, which affects the overall coherence and cohesion.

Recommendations:

  • Maintain consistent use of terms (e.g., 'government' instead of 'governor') to avoid confusion.
  • Use more cohesive devices and linking words to connect ideas within and between paragraphs, such as 'furthermore', 'in addition', 'on the other hand', etc.
  • Clarify the relationship between examples and the points they support to improve coherence.
  • Ensure each paragraph has a clear central idea and use topic sentences to introduce them, enhancing logical flow.

Lexical Resource5.0

The essay demonstrates a basic range of vocabulary with some attempt to use less common lexical items. However, there are noticeable errors in word choice, word form, and collocation that occasionally impede clarity and precision.

Recommendations:

  • Use more precise language to express ideas clearly. For instance, 'result to renting' should be 'resort to renting.'
  • Expand your vocabulary by learning more synonyms and context-specific words to avoid repetition and enhance expression. For example, instead of repeatedly using 'house,' consider terms like 'residence,' 'dwelling,' or 'property.'
  • Pay attention to collocations and fixed expressions to ensure they are used correctly, such as 'government support' instead of 'the governments to support them.'
  • Avoid informal language and contractions in formal essays, such as 'you don't need' and 'it's hard.' Use 'one does not need' and 'it is difficult' instead.

Grammatical Range5.0

The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of grammatical structures, but there are frequent errors in sentence structure, verb forms, and punctuation that affect clarity and coherence.

Recommendations:

  • Vary sentence length and complexity to demonstrate a wider range of grammatical structures.
  • Work on sentence structure to avoid run-on sentences and ensure each sentence has a clear subject and predicate.
  • Improve punctuation usage, specifically the use of commas and periods, to enhance sentence clarity.
  • Pay attention to verb forms and tense consistency to ensure grammatical accuracy.

Task Achievement5.0

The essay addresses the task prompt by presenting a clear position against government intervention in providing affordable housing for young adults. It offers two main arguments: the feasibility of alternative housing solutions and the importance of individual effort and economic implications of government assistance.

Recommendations:

  • Ensure a clearer alignment of arguments with the task prompt by explicitly addressing the role of government in each point.
  • Strengthen the argument by providing more specific examples or evidence to support claims, such as data or comparisons from countries with different housing policies.
  • Directly address counterarguments to enhance the depth of the discussion, such as considering the potential benefits of government intervention in housing.
GRADED
5.0
Coherence and Cohesion:5.0
Lexical Resource:5.0
Grammatical Range:5.0
Task Achievement:5.0
Band Score:5.0
Coherence and Cohesion5
Logical structure5
Introduction & conclusion present5
Supported main points5
Accurate linking words5
Variety in linking words5
Lexical Resource5
Varied vocabulary5
Accurate spelling & word formation5
Grammatical Range5
Mix of complex & simple sentences5
Clear and correct grammar5
Task Achievement5
Complete response5
Clear & comprehensive ideas5
Relevant & specific examples5
Appropriate word count5
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