BAND 6.0 IELTS ESSAY SAMPLE: URBAN MIGRATION & WAYS TO PRESERVE SMALL RURAL COMMUNITIES

Explore this comprehensive Band 6.0 IELTS essay discussing the migration trend from rural areas to urban centers and its impact on small communities. Discover reasons for the issue and potential solutions, including the vital role of government in improving educational and transport systems in rural areas.

Writing Task

In many countries, people have been moving away from rural areas and towards urban centers, leading to the decline of small towns and villages. What are the reasons for this trend, and what can be done to prevent the disappearance of small communities? Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

IELTS Writing Sample Essay with Band 5.0 Scoring and Feedback

Nowadays, people preferred to immigrant to urban centers from rural areas. This issue leading to mitigate of small towns and villages and disappearing of small communities. In this essay, I will discuss some reasons for this problem and presents some solutions. To begin with, the movement of people from the small towns to the crowded city is the worldwide issue. Some reasons such as more job opportunity, high quality of healthcare system and better educational system results in this situation. In the countryside to compare with crowded city, there are poor educational system which is caused some worries in the future. For example, the individuals which are lived in a small town and have a gifted child have more concerns about their future. I believe there are some beneficial ways to deal with this problem. Firstly, the government should devote a special fund for improving the educational system and amenities. For instance, in the current era, computer and internet are very important in training system, and the government should prepare these systems for them. Additionally, the transport system is very significant for peoples who want to come to the urban area. I think, the government should devote a budget for improving the transport system. This improvement cause the people easier commutes for work and study. To conclude, the movement of people from the small area to urban centers should be controlled until to prevent from the disappearance of small nations. The government play a main role in this issue, for example by devoting a budget in educational and transport system.
Words: 260Paragraphs: 1
Submitted: 7/21/2023, 12:20 PM

Coherence And Cohesion5.0

The essay attempts to address the prompt by discussing reasons for urban migration and suggesting solutions to prevent the decline of small communities. However, it lacks clear cohesion and coherence, making it difficult to follow the argument logically.

Recommendations:

  • Use cohesive devices like conjunctions, pronouns, and linking words to connect ideas within and between sentences more effectively.
  • Avoid abrupt transitions by ensuring that each paragraph naturally leads to the next with clear connections between ideas.
  • Improve paragraph structure by ensuring each paragraph has a clear topic sentence and logically follows from the previous one.
  • Clarify the main ideas and ensure they are consistently developed throughout the essay to enhance coherence.

Lexical Resource5.0

The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary with some attempts at using less common words and phrases like 'immigrant to urban centers', 'mitigate of small towns', and 'devote a special fund'. However, there are several inaccuracies and inappropriate word choices that affect clarity and precision, such as 'immigrant' instead of 'migrate', 'mitigate' instead of 'decline', and 'disappearing of small communities'.

Recommendations:

  • Expand vocabulary range by learning synonyms and context-appropriate words to replace repetitive and overused terms like 'government' and 'system'.
  • Incorporate more precise and varied expressions to articulate ideas more clearly, such as using 'urban migration' instead of 'movement of people from small towns to the crowded city'.
  • Avoid incorrect collocations like 'disappearing of small communities' and instead use 'disappearance of small communities'.
  • Use more complex and varied sentence structures to naturally integrate advanced vocabulary into the essay.
  • Ensure correct word choice and usage, especially with common vocabulary. For example, use 'migrate' instead of 'immigrant' and 'decline' instead of 'mitigate'.

Grammatical Range5.0

The essay demonstrates a limited range of grammatical structures with frequent errors in sentence formation, verb tenses, and subject-verb agreement, which often obscure meaning.

Recommendations:

  • Use more complex sentence structures to convey ideas more effectively, such as employing relative clauses or conjunctions to link ideas instead of simple sentences.
  • Ensure proper use of articles and plural forms, for example, 'a special fund' instead of 'special fund' and 'computer and internet are' should be 'computers and the internet are.'
  • Avoid run-on sentences and ensure each sentence conveys a clear, complete thought.
  • Improve subject-verb agreement, especially in sentences like 'people preferred to immigrant' which should be 'people prefer to migrate.'
  • Correct verb tense usage to maintain consistency, such as changing 'leading to mitigate' to 'leading to the mitigation.'

Task Achievement5.0

The essay addresses the task prompt by identifying reasons for rural-urban migration and suggesting solutions to prevent the decline of small communities. However, the response lacks depth in discussing both views and providing a personal opinion, which is required by the task.

Recommendations:

  • Avoid repetition and ensure clarity in the introduction and conclusion to better frame the essay's arguments and solutions.
  • Incorporate a balanced discussion of both views on the issue, including personal insights or opinions, to fulfill the task requirements.
  • Clarify and expand on the solutions proposed, providing more detailed examples and potential impacts of these solutions.
  • Ensure both aspects of the prompt are addressed: reasons for migration and measures to prevent the decline of small communities. Expand on each point with specific examples and explanations.
GRADED
5.0
Coherence and Cohesion:5.0
Lexical Resource:5.0
Grammatical Range:5.0
Task Achievement:5.0
Band Score:5.0
Coherence and Cohesion5
Logical structure5
Introduction & conclusion present5
Supported main points5
Accurate linking words5
Variety in linking words5
Lexical Resource5
Varied vocabulary5
Accurate spelling & word formation5
Grammatical Range5
Mix of complex & simple sentences5
Clear and correct grammar5
Task Achievement5
Complete response5
Clear & comprehensive ideas5
Relevant & specific examples5
Appropriate word count5
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