BAND 6.0 IELTS ESSAY SAMPLE: EXPLORING MAIN CAUSES OF INCREASING CRIME RATE AND EFFECTIVE SOLUTIONS

Explore our IELTS Band 6.0 essay sample addressing the increasing crime rates worldwide. Our in-depth analysis discusses factors like poverty, incorrect education, and mental problems contributing to the rise in minor offences and serious crimes. Learn about potential solutions such as improved education, job creation, and mental health support. Ideal for IELTS candidates, educators, and anyone interested in crime prevention strategies.

Writing Task

In many countries, the amount of crime is increasing. What do you think are the main causes of crime? How can we deal with those causes? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

IELTS Writing Sample Essay with Band 5.0 Scoring and Feedback

Nowadays, amount of crime is increasing, including , minor offence such as, vandalism, jay walking, graffiti, speeding, and serious crimes like, armed robbery, burglary, kidnaping, take someone captive and murder. There are a number of factors which leads to this increasing, for instance, poverty, incorrect education and mental problems. Obviously, there must be several way to deal these causes, for instance, right education, get arrested convicts, and set new rolls for people who commit a crime. In my opinion, one of the main reason that leads to increase amount of crime is poverty especially in minor offence. For example, it is obvious that shoplifting occur in deprived areas more than other places where have prosperity. To solve this factor, government main aim must to be beat inflation and create new jobs for people and help families who live in poverty. Another reason is incorrect education. Vandalism, jay walking and graffiti usually happen in result of incorrect education. To deal with this cause, government responsible to educate society especially the younger generation, they must educate not only through the TV channels and newspapers but also social media. Sometimes convict should get sentenced to pay fine. In serious crimes government have to set up new rolls and get arrested people who commit a crime. For example in any crime in terms of sentence must be rely on amount of the crime. It is expected that someone who commit a murder should get sentence life in prison but someone who commit burglary can put on probation or pay fine. It seems very probable that learning new profession in prison will effective to prisoners learn new career, so after freedom the can earn money from their career. In addition some crimes occur due to mental problems , in this case government needs to spend more budget on health of society and make new positive emotion sources to refresh mental people.
Words: 316Paragraphs: 1
Submitted: 7/23/2023, 10:42 AM

Coherence And Cohesion5.0

The essay presents a discussion on the causes of crime and possible solutions, but it struggles with coherence and cohesion due to inconsistent use of linking devices, unclear paragraph structure, and some abrupt transitions between ideas.

Recommendations:

  • Use pronouns and synonyms effectively to refer back to previously mentioned ideas or subjects, enhancing cohesion without repetition.
  • Use a variety of linking words and phrases to connect sentences and paragraphs smoothly, such as 'Firstly,' 'In addition,' 'However,' and 'Therefore.'
  • Avoid abrupt transitions by providing more context or explanation when moving from one idea to the next, helping to maintain the reader's understanding.
  • Ensure a clear and logical progression of ideas by organizing the essay into distinct paragraphs for each main point, such as causes and solutions of crime.

Lexical Resource5.0

The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary with some attempts at using less common lexical items. However, there are several inaccuracies and awkward expressions that affect clarity and precision.

Recommendations:

  • Avoid repetition of words and phrases, such as 'commit a crime,' which is used multiple times.
  • Expand vocabulary to include more precise and varied language, for example, using 'economic hardship' instead of 'poverty' repeatedly.
  • Ensure correct word forms are used, such as changing 'rolls' to 'roles' and 'take someone captive' to 'kidnapping.'
  • Use linking words and phrases more effectively to enhance cohesion, such as 'as a result' instead of 'in result of.'
  • Improve the use of collocations and phrases, such as 'amount of crime' to 'crime rate' and 'get arrested convicts' to 'arrest convicts.'

Grammatical Range5.0

The essay demonstrates a basic range of grammatical structures, but there are numerous errors in sentence construction, verb forms, and punctuation that affect clarity and coherence.

Recommendations:

  • Use a wider range of sentence types, including complex and compound sentences, to enhance grammatical range.
  • Practice correct use of articles and prepositions, as errors are present in phrases like 'in result of' which should be 'as a result of'.
  • Work on verb tense consistency, especially in conditional sentences, such as 'government main aim must to be beat inflation' should be 'government's main aim must be to beat inflation.'
  • Review subject-verb agreement rules, as errors like 'amount of crime is increasing' should be 'amount of crime is increasing'.
  • Improve sentence structure by avoiding comma splices and ensuring each sentence has a clear subject and predicate. For example, 'Nowadays, amount of crime is increasing, including , minor offence such as, vandalism...' should be rewritten for clarity.

Task Achievement5.0

The essay addresses the task prompt by identifying several causes of crime, such as poverty, incorrect education, and mental health issues, and suggests corresponding solutions like improving education, creating jobs, and reforming sentencing policies. The response includes some relevant examples to support these points.

Recommendations:

  • Avoid listing examples without sufficient explanation or connection to the main argument. Each point should be thoroughly explained and linked to the overall discussion.
  • Expand on each cause and solution with more detailed explanations and examples to fully demonstrate understanding and analysis of the topic.
  • Clarify the connection between identified causes and proposed solutions to enhance the cohesiveness of the argument.
  • Ensure that all parts of the task prompt are addressed equally. The essay should provide a more balanced discussion of both causes and solutions, as the solutions section is less developed.
GRADED
5.0
Coherence and Cohesion:5.0
Lexical Resource:5.0
Grammatical Range:5.0
Task Achievement:5.0
Band Score:5.0
Coherence and Cohesion5
Logical structure5
Introduction & conclusion present5
Supported main points5
Accurate linking words5
Variety in linking words5

Lexical Resource5
Varied vocabulary5
Accurate spelling & word formation5

Grammatical Range5
Mix of complex & simple sentences5
Clear and correct grammar5

Task Achievement5
Complete response5
Clear & comprehensive ideas5
Relevant & specific examples5
Appropriate word count5