BAND 6.0 IELTS ESSAY SAMPLE: DISCUSSING PERSONAL VS GOVERNMENT RESPONSIBILITY FOR HEALTH AND WELLBEING

Explore our Band 6.0 IELTS essay sample discussing the role of individuals and government in maintaining health. Uncover the pros and cons of universal healthcare versus private healthcare, and the need for a harmonized approach suitable for diverse occupations and lifestyles. Ideal material for IELTS preparation.

Writing Task

Some people argue that individuals should take responsibility for their own health and wellbeing, while others believe it's the government's duty to provide healthcare services to everyone in society. Discuss both these views and provide your own opinion. Support your answer with relevant examples and explanations.

IELTS Writing Sample Essay with Band 5.0 Scoring and Feedback

Some people argue that individuals should take responsibility for their own health the others think that it should be a governmental duty . Nowadays we depend on the government on almost every aspect of our lives. The benefits of universal healthcare and support of the government can be many such as the easier accessibility for all of the individuals in that society and it provieds more affordable options rather than say private healthcare and instances although many think that such federal provided services results in lower quality of the mentioned services. The other advantage of the universal healthcare is that it covers more illnesses and problems such as disabilities and problems caused by genetics rather than the private healthcare provides help according to their terms and services and what plan a person might chose. Moreover the government provides cover for a larger demographic of the society it lacks on covering medicine for rare diseases as the private healthcare does significantly better in this aspect because the private system attends to your needs base on your problem and requirements unlike the federal system which is more general in treating problems. Its crystal clear that both options have advantages and disadvantages but in my way of thinking its better to mix both and present more mixed options for people to chose according to their occupations and jobs and life styles for comparison a construction worker needs a different kind of help and healthcare rather to say a teacher. A federal system should constructed with the inclusion of private healthcare providers to insure everyone in the society's is taken care of in the time that they might need it.
Words: 276Paragraphs: 2
Submitted: 7/26/2023, 07:25 PM

Coherence And Cohesion5.0

The essay presents a basic structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, there are noticeable issues with logical flow and paragraphing, which affect the overall coherence and cohesion of the essay. The transition between ideas and paragraphs is often abrupt, and the use of cohesive devices is inconsistent, making it challenging for the reader to follow the argument effectively.

Recommendations:

  • Avoid abrupt shifts in ideas by providing a brief summary or conclusion at the end of each paragraph to link it to the next idea or paragraph.
  • Use more cohesive devices to connect ideas within and between paragraphs. For example, use transitional phrases like 'On the one hand,' 'On the other hand,' 'Furthermore,' and 'In contrast' to guide the reader through your argument.
  • Ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence that outlines the main idea, followed by supporting sentences that elaborate on this idea with examples and explanations.
  • Improve paragraphing by clearly separating different ideas and viewpoints into distinct paragraphs. For instance, one paragraph should focus on the benefits of government-provided healthcare, while another should address individual responsibility.

Lexical Resource5.0

The essay demonstrates a basic range of vocabulary with some attempts at more complex language. However, there are frequent errors in word choice and word form that obscure meaning and demonstrate a lack of precision in lexical resource.

Recommendations:

  • Incorporate more topic-specific vocabulary related to healthcare systems and policies to demonstrate a higher level of lexical resource.
  • Focus on using more specific and precise language to convey your ideas clearly, such as replacing 'federal provided services' with 'government-provided services'.
  • Pay attention to collocations and word forms, ensuring correct usage, such as 'provides' instead of 'provieds' and 'choose' instead of 'chose'.
  • Expand your vocabulary by learning synonyms and antonyms to avoid repetition and enhance precision.

Grammatical Range4.0

The essay demonstrates a basic range of grammatical structures with some errors in complex sentences and punctuation. The writer uses simple and compound sentences effectively but struggles with more complex structures, leading to occasional ambiguity.

Recommendations:

  • Work on sentence structure variety by incorporating more complex sentences, ensuring correct use of conjunctions and relative clauses.
  • Practice using different tenses accurately to express time relationships and ensure subject-verb agreement.
  • Improve punctuation use, particularly with commas, to clarify meaning and separate ideas correctly.

Task Achievement5.0

The essay addresses the task by discussing both views on whether individuals or the government should be responsible for healthcare. It provides some examples and explanations to support the points made. However, the essay lacks a clear structure and detailed analysis of both perspectives, and the personal opinion is not fully developed or justified.

Recommendations:

  • Ensure that each paragraph focuses on a single idea and is clearly linked to the overall argument.
  • Provide balanced arguments for both sides with specific examples and explanations to strengthen the discussion.
  • Develop a clearer personal opinion with supporting reasons and examples to demonstrate a well-rounded understanding of the topic.
  • Clearly state the thesis in the introduction to outline the main points that will be discussed.
GRADED
5.0
Coherence and Cohesion:5.0
Lexical Resource:5.0
Grammatical Range:4.0
Task Achievement:5.0
Band Score:5.0
Coherence and Cohesion5
Logical structure5
Introduction & conclusion present5
Supported main points5
Accurate linking words5
Variety in linking words5

Lexical Resource5
Varied vocabulary5
Accurate spelling & word formation5

Grammatical Range4
Mix of complex & simple sentences4
Clear and correct grammar4

Task Achievement5
Complete response5
Clear & comprehensive ideas5
Relevant & specific examples5
Appropriate word count5