BAND 6.0 IELTS ESSAY SAMPLE: DISCIPLINE VS. CRITICAL THINKING IN SCHOOLS FOR RESPONSIBLE CITIZENSHIP

Explore our band 6.0 IELTS score essay sample where we delve into the importance of teaching obligations and decision-making in schools. Highlighting the role of critical thinking, discipline, and rules, this page presents a comprehensive insight into shaping better societies through education. Discover how schools contribute to not just academic knowledge but also life lessons and informed decision-making skills.

Writing Task

Some people believe that the best way to produce responsible citizens is to teach discipline and obedience in schools. Others argue that teaching children to think critically and make informed decisions is more important. Discuss both views and give your own opinion. Support your answer with relevant examples and evidence.

IELTS Writing Sample Essay with Band 5.0 Scoring and Feedback

I think both point of views are important and should pay attention to them. The first opinion which is teaching the obligations in schools is fundamental and could play an important role to have a better society by talking around discipline and rules. I see schools as an environment which teach us every essential subject and why not to discuss and learn obedience from base grades at schools. On the other hand, the second opinion which is teaching children make informed decisions is a great idea, either. Although, in my opinion, it is not just discrete to this subject. It is essential to criticized other ideas and think of every subject with critical view. This may induce to think better and then act and may result into better decisions. To show the importance of both views, I bring an example of myself. Learning from school teach me a lot and I gain much information from all years, not just lessons like physics, and math but also lessons about life, making friends, respect law and many other ones. These lessons make us prepare for some conditions in life. In my believe many more conditions occur which we have not prepared for. In these cases we should refer to our own belief and discover the best response and it is not possible without learning how to make decisions on our own and also critical other decisions to inform better decisions in the society. Finally, I believe schools have a significant role in every stage of learning.
Words: 254Paragraphs: 1
Submitted: 7/23/2023, 12:43 PM

Coherence And Cohesion5.0

The essay attempts to address both perspectives on teaching discipline and critical thinking in schools. However, the coherence is hindered by a lack of clear structure and logical progression of ideas. The essay lacks clear topic sentences, and transitions between ideas are abrupt, which affects the overall flow and readability.

Recommendations:

  • Improve the logical flow by using cohesive devices such as 'firstly,' 'on the other hand,' and 'finally' to guide the reader through the argument.
  • Use linking words and phrases to connect ideas within and between sentences, enhancing the overall cohesion of the essay.
  • Ensure that examples provided are directly relevant to the points being discussed and are integrated smoothly into the argument.
  • Develop clear and distinct paragraphs for each viewpoint, ensuring each paragraph starts with a topic sentence that introduces the main idea.

Lexical Resource5.0

The essay demonstrates a basic range of vocabulary with some attempts at using less common words, but it lacks precision and variety. There are several errors in word choice and collocation, which sometimes obscure meaning. For example, phrases like "point of views," "talking around discipline," and "discrete to this subject" are incorrect or awkward. Additionally, there is repetition of certain words such as "teach," "important," and "decisions," which limits the lexical resource range.

Recommendations:

  • Expand your vocabulary by learning synonyms and different expressions to avoid repetition. For example, instead of repeatedly using 'important,' consider alternatives like 'crucial,' 'vital,' or 'essential.'
  • Practice using more precise and varied vocabulary to convey your ideas more clearly. Instead of 'teach the obligations,' you might say 'instill a sense of duty.'
  • Pay attention to word forms and grammatical structures to increase accuracy in your vocabulary usage. For example, 'criticized other ideas' should be 'critically evaluate other ideas.'
  • Work on collocations and word combinations to ensure they are used correctly. For example, 'point of views' should be 'points of view,' and 'talking around discipline' could be 'discussing discipline.'

Grammatical Range4.0

The essay demonstrates an attempt to use a range of grammatical structures, but there are frequent errors in sentence structure, verb forms, and agreement that may impede understanding.

Recommendations:

  • Improve sentence structure by using more complex sentences and varying sentence length to enhance readability.
  • Use conjunctions and transitional phrases to improve sentence cohesion and flow.
  • Practice using relative clauses and conditional sentences to add variety and complexity to your writing.
  • Work on subject-verb agreement, ensuring verbs match their subjects in number and person.
  • Pay attention to verb forms and tenses to ensure consistency and accuracy throughout the essay.

Task Achievement5.0

The essay addresses the task by discussing both viewpoints on teaching discipline and critical thinking in schools. However, the response lacks a clear and balanced discussion of both perspectives. The opinion is stated, but the essay does not fully develop the argument or provide sufficient evidence and examples to support the claims effectively.

Recommendations:

  • Clarify the conclusion by summarizing the main points and restating the opinion with stronger justification.
  • Ensure the opinion is clearly stated and supported with relevant examples and evidence throughout the essay.
  • Include more specific examples or evidence to support the claims made about the importance of discipline and critical thinking.
  • Develop a clearer structure to discuss each viewpoint in detail, providing specific arguments and examples for each.
GRADED
5.0
Coherence and Cohesion:5.0
Lexical Resource:5.0
Grammatical Range:4.0
Task Achievement:5.0
Band Score:5.0
Coherence and Cohesion5
Logical structure5
Introduction & conclusion present5
Supported main points5
Accurate linking words5
Variety in linking words5
Lexical Resource5
Varied vocabulary5
Accurate spelling & word formation5
Grammatical Range4
Mix of complex & simple sentences4
Clear and correct grammar4
Task Achievement5
Complete response5
Clear & comprehensive ideas5
Relevant & specific examples5
Appropriate word count5
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