BAND 6.0 IELTS ESSAY SAMPLE: ANALYZING RISING CRIME RATES CAUSES AND SOLUTIONS

Explore our IELTS Essay Sample on the correlation between crime rates and poverty. Learn the social impact and solutions to these issues. Discover how different nations tackle crime rates by implementing socio-economic policies and investing in human-needed industries. Ideal read for IELTS preparation & socio-economic research.

Writing Task

In many countries, the amount of crime is increasing. What do you think are the main causes of crime? How can we deal with those causes? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

IELTS Writing Sample Essay with Band 5.0 Scoring and Feedback

Crime is a non-separable part of each society, yet its rise has been problematic in every growing population. there are two points to crime which is basically poverty as the most important reason and joblessness in next step. Things need to be undertaken to tackle these two social problems by eradicating absolute poverty and investing in new human-needed industry. At the beginning, it is quite clear that low income and lack of occupancy in every society would lead to delinquencies such as crime. Criminals are not born criminals, needless to say, but the life hardship makes them do every thing for their living. The life situation deteriorates when facing unemployment and having the commission to feed yourself and your family. This directly can be understood when comparing wealthy countries gross domestic production (GDP) with the crime rate and there surely would be a close correlation. In case of giving solution, all has to do with governments. New factories with high capacity of employment to reduce joblessness in one hand and subsidizing on different social amenities and facilities. Another key resolution for non-advanced countries, say, Saudi Aribia and Kuwait, is to share with lower income people the revenue from natural resources or the country income. statistics reveals that in such countries, there are far less crime rate rather than advanced and rich countries even like Japan and USA. All in all, there are several reason to crime rise in a society which is firmly correlated with unemployment and poverty. Countries' decision makers need to aim these two weaknesses and the most likely way is budgeting in various infrastructures.
Words: 267Paragraphs: 1
Submitted: 7/18/2023, 06:26 PM

Coherence And Cohesion5.0

The essay presents a logical structure with clear paragraphs addressing both causes of crime and potential solutions. However, there are issues with paragraphing and linking devices that hinder smooth progression of ideas.

Recommendations:

  • Ensure consistency in referencing countries and examples. Use 'such as' or 'for example' consistently when introducing examples to maintain clarity.
  • Improve paragraphing by ensuring each paragraph has a clear main idea and supporting details. For example, separate the introduction, causes, solutions, and conclusion into distinct paragraphs.
  • Use a wider range of linking words and phrases to connect ideas within and between sentences, such as 'furthermore', 'in addition', 'however', and 'for instance', to enhance cohesion.

Lexical Resource5.0

The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, including some topic-specific words such as 'delinquencies,' 'gross domestic production (GDP),' and 'subsidizing.' However, there are instances of incorrect word choices and awkward phrasing that affect clarity and precision. Additionally, there are some spelling errors and misuse of words, such as 'non-separable,' 'occupancy,' and 'statistics reveals.'

Recommendations:

  • Proofread your work to correct spelling mistakes and ensure grammatical accuracy, for instance, 'statistics reveal' instead of 'statistics reveals.'
  • Expand your vocabulary by learning more topic-specific and academic words relevant to crime and socio-economic issues.
  • Practice using collocations and phrases correctly to improve the natural flow of your writing, such as 'crime is an inseparable part' instead of 'crime is a non-separable part.'
  • Pay attention to word choice and ensure that the words used convey the intended meaning accurately, such as replacing 'non-separable' with 'inseparable' and 'occupancy' with 'employment.'

Grammatical Range5.0

The essay demonstrates a basic range of grammatical structures with some complex sentences but contains frequent errors in grammar and punctuation that may cause difficulty for the reader.

Recommendations:

  • Practice using relative clauses more accurately, as in 'countries gross domestic production (GDP) with the crime rate and there surely would be a close correlation,' which could be clarified with better use of relative pronouns.
  • Enhance sentence structure by avoiding run-on sentences and ensuring each sentence expresses a complete idea, like in 'Things need to be undertaken to tackle these two social problems by eradicating absolute poverty and investing in new human-needed industry,' which could be split for clarity.
  • Use more varied sentence structures, including passive voice and conditional sentences, to demonstrate a wider range of grammatical skills.
  • Pay attention to punctuation usage, such as commas and full stops, to correctly separate ideas and clauses. For example, 'New factories with high capacity of employment to reduce joblessness in one hand and subsidizing on different social amenities and facilities' lacks clarity due to missing punctuation.
  • Improve subject-verb agreement, such as in 'there are two points to crime which is basically poverty' where 'points' should align with 'are' and 'is' should be 'are.'

Task Achievement5.0

The essay addresses the task by identifying poverty and joblessness as the main causes of crime and suggests solutions such as eradicating poverty and creating jobs through government intervention. However, the essay lacks depth and development in explaining how these solutions can be implemented effectively, and it does not provide sufficient examples or evidence to support the claims made.

Recommendations:

  • Ensure that all parts of the prompt are addressed equally, including a balanced discussion on causes and solutions.
  • Develop the suggested solutions further by explaining how governments can effectively eradicate poverty and create jobs, possibly with examples of successful implementations.
  • Provide more specific examples or case studies from countries or regions to illustrate the correlation between GDP, poverty, and crime rates.
  • Expand on how poverty and joblessness specifically lead to crime, providing examples or evidence to strengthen the argument.
GRADED
5.0
Coherence and Cohesion:5.0
Lexical Resource:5.0
Grammatical Range:5.0
Task Achievement:5.0
Band Score:5.0
Coherence and Cohesion5
Logical structure5
Introduction & conclusion present5
Supported main points5
Accurate linking words5
Variety in linking words5

Lexical Resource5
Varied vocabulary5
Accurate spelling & word formation5

Grammatical Range5
Mix of complex & simple sentences5
Clear and correct grammar5

Task Achievement5
Complete response5
Clear & comprehensive ideas5
Relevant & specific examples5
Appropriate word count5