BAND 6.0 IELTS ESSAY SAMPLE: AFFORDABLE HOUSING FOR YOUNG ADULTS - GOVERNMENT RESPONSIBILITY OR NOT?

Explore our IELTS essay sample with a band 6.0 score discussing the increasing global accommodation prices and the potential social issues it may cause. Discover potential government solutions, the importance of affordable housing for young adults, and the role of justice in housing rights.

Writing Task

In many countries, owning a home has become increasingly difficult for young adults, as housing prices continue to rise. Some people argue that governments should provide affordable housing to help young adults purchase their first property. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement? Provide your opinion and support it with relevant examples from your own experience or knowledge.

IELTS Writing Sample Essay with Band 5.0 Scoring and Feedback

The independent life is the first essential right for everyone. however, the prices of rent or bought of accomodation in all around the world are increasing dramatically and this phenomenon might make unpredictble social problems and governments must find solution for this. On one hand, the fundamental requirement for everyone is house. From the ancient time the one of the most important matter for humans is a place of their own and many battles between troops and people have refered to this need. The importance of this matter would be in modern world.There is no doubt that providing qualified accomodation is the only way to manage this competition and if the society have no solution, it might occur a turbolece in society and it might lead to an absolutely dangerous situation. On the other hand, the lack of suitable lands in cities and inflation of building materials make a challenge to provide sufficient accomodation for young people. In my opinion, take out a mortage to young people is the first solution for this problem. As well as, the other way to control of rising price of housing is investment to build affordable housing. I think the society management for threats that might make tensions, is the most important task of governments and the price rising and lack of affordable housing have potential to convert a problem. Consequently, I believe the justice is a fundamental right and applying it is the most important task of governments. The lack of affordable housing for young people threatens the justice and it has potential to tension. Thus, it must solve with governments before it convert to a big crisis.
Words: 275Paragraphs: 1
Submitted: 7/23/2023, 04:45 AM

Coherence And Cohesion5.0

The essay presents a clear argument supporting the need for government intervention in providing affordable housing for young adults. However, coherence and cohesion are somewhat lacking, as ideas are not always logically connected, and there is a lack of clear paragraphing and linking devices that guide the reader through the argument.

Recommendations:

  • Avoid abrupt topic shifts by using transition sentences that smoothly guide the reader from one idea to the next.
  • Use more cohesive devices, such as conjunctions and transitional phrases, to clearly link ideas between and within paragraphs.
  • Ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence that introduces the main idea of the paragraph.
  • Improve paragraph structure by ensuring each paragraph focuses on a single main idea and includes supporting details that are logically connected.

Lexical Resource5.0

The essay demonstrates a basic range of vocabulary, with some attempts to use less common words and phrases. However, there are frequent errors in word choice, spelling, and collocation, which at times obscure meaning.

Recommendations:

  • Expand your range of vocabulary. Try to incorporate more precise and varied terms to articulate your arguments more effectively, such as using 'escalation' instead of 'rising' in 'control of rising price of housing'.
  • Improve word choice and usage. For example, 'the independent life is the first essential right' could be more clearly expressed as 'living independently is a fundamental right'. Similarly, 'the importance of this matter would be in modern world' lacks clarity and could be rephrased for better understanding.
  • Enhance collocation and phrasing. For instance, 'take out a mortage to young people' should be 'provide mortgages to young people'. Also, 'investment to build affordable housing' should be 'investing in building affordable housing'.
  • Pay attention to spelling errors such as 'accomodation' which should be 'accommodation', 'turbolece' likely intended as 'turbulence', and 'refered' which should be 'referred'.

Grammatical Range5.0

The essay demonstrates a basic range of grammatical structures, including simple and compound sentences. However, there are frequent grammatical errors such as incorrect verb forms, subject-verb agreement issues, and incorrect use of articles and prepositions. These errors impact the overall clarity and coherence of the essay.

Recommendations:

  • Work on prepositions to ensure they are used correctly in context.
  • Practice using articles ('a', 'an', 'the') correctly, as their misuse can lead to confusion.
  • Improve sentence structure by using a variety of complex sentences to enhance grammatical range.
  • Focus on correcting verb forms, ensuring that verbs agree with their subjects in number and tense.

Task Achievement5.0

The essay addresses the task by discussing the challenges young adults face in buying homes due to rising prices and suggests government intervention as a solution. The writer provides a clear stance, agreeing that government should provide affordable housing, and supports this with reasons and potential solutions like providing mortgages and investing in affordable housing.

Recommendations:

  • Strengthen the conclusion by summarizing the main points more effectively and restating the opinion clearly.
  • Ensure the essay directly and clearly addresses all parts of the task prompt. Explicitly state your opinion early in the essay and consistently align your arguments with it.
  • Provide more specific examples from personal experience or knowledge to support the arguments. This will enhance the persuasiveness and relevance of the essay.
GRADED
5.0
Coherence and Cohesion:5.0
Lexical Resource:5.0
Grammatical Range:5.0
Task Achievement:5.0
Band Score:5.0
Coherence and Cohesion5
Logical structure5
Introduction & conclusion present5
Supported main points5
Accurate linking words5
Variety in linking words5
Lexical Resource5
Varied vocabulary5
Accurate spelling & word formation5
Grammatical Range5
Mix of complex & simple sentences5
Clear and correct grammar5
Task Achievement5
Complete response5
Clear & comprehensive ideas5
Relevant & specific examples5
Appropriate word count5
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