BAND 5.5 IELTS ESSAY SAMPLE: TECHNOLOGY'S IMPACT ON TRADITIONAL VALUES AND CULTURAL PRACTICES - A COMPARATIVE DISCUSSION

Explore this IELTS essay sample scoring 5.5, discussing the importance of tourists adapting to local customs and traditions for effective communication and economic benefits. Delve into how embracing local culture can promote sustainable tourism and preserve societal values.

Writing Task

Some people argue that technological advancements have led to the loss of traditional values and cultural practices, while others believe that technology has helped preserve cultures and traditions. Discuss both views and give your own opinion. Please support your response with specific examples and relevant reasons.

IELTS Writing Sample Essay with Band 5.0 Scoring and Feedback

Nowadays, because of improvements in the transportation system and infrastructure people can travel anywhere in the world. some people believe that tourists should adopt the residential practices and traditions when they go to a new culture. I completely agree with this statement because of communicating effectively with the local community and financial issues. To begin with, knowing more about the culture and people of the destination would be more effective for visitors. That is, if travelers adapted to situation, the result will be more enjoyable for them. In addition, this awareness about local practices and customs can be caused locals satisfaction with tourists. For example, although those people who live in rural areas usually are more hospitality, they are more sensitive concerning their customs. As a result, if travelers do not have adequate information about their destination it is more likely to be rejected by local people. Furthermore, is that preparing to face other cultures can have a positive impact on the local economy. Accepting tourists in a new place with a different culture can be caused commuting among visitors there. Therefore, can be replaced fragile tourism with sustainable tourism which is so beneficial to the local's economic boom. Some may argue that it is better for local people adapted with travelers because local people need to learn new things from tourists to keep up to date. I think it can be destroyed pure culture and traditions that are too detrimental to society. In conclusion, in my point of view, it is so essential for all tourists to be familiar with local practices and costumes before entering a new region.
Words: 270Paragraphs: 2
Submitted: 7/17/2023, 02:58 PM

Coherence And Cohesion5.0

The essay attempts to discuss the impact of technology on traditional values and cultural practices by presenting arguments for both sides of the debate. However, the coherence and cohesion of the essay are undermined by a lack of clear structure, logical progression of ideas, and effective use of linking words and phrases.

Recommendations:

  • Use appropriate linking words and phrases to connect ideas both within and between paragraphs. This will improve the cohesion of the essay.
  • Clearly delineate between discussing the two views and your own opinion to avoid confusion and ensure that each part of the essay is distinct and contributes to the overall argument.
  • Ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence that relates directly to the prompt and contributes to the overall argument. This will help in maintaining a logical flow of ideas.
  • Avoid introducing unrelated ideas or examples that do not directly support the main argument or topic of the paragraph, as this can disrupt the coherence of the essay.

Lexical Resource5.0

The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, but there are noticeable errors and inappropriate word choices that affect clarity and precision. The writer uses some less common lexical items, but there is inconsistency in their application and occasional repetition of words.

Recommendations:

  • Expand your vocabulary by learning synonyms and varied expressions to avoid repetition, such as using 'customs' instead of repeatedly saying 'practices'.
  • Focus on word choice accuracy. For instance, 'hospitality' should be 'hospitable' when describing people, and 'commuting' is incorrectly used; consider 'interaction' or 'engagement' instead.
  • Use linking words and phrases more effectively to enhance coherence, such as 'Moreover,' or 'Additionally,' to introduce new points.
  • Pay attention to collocations and ensure they are used correctly, such as 'adapt to' rather than 'adapted with' and 'economic boom' rather than 'economic boom' without context.

Grammatical Range5.0

The essay demonstrates a basic range of grammatical structures, with some attempts at complex sentences. However, there are several grammatical errors and inconsistencies that affect clarity and coherence.

Recommendations:

  • Pay attention to the correct use of tense, especially in hypothetical or conditional contexts, like 'if travelers adapted to situation.'
  • Improve sentence structure by avoiding run-on sentences and ensuring each sentence has a clear subject and verb, such as in 'Furthermore, is that preparing to face other cultures can have a positive impact.'
  • Use more varied sentence structures, such as conditional sentences or passive voice, to demonstrate a wider range of grammatical abilities.
  • Correct the misuse of articles and prepositions, such as 'the transportation system' and 'in rural areas.'
  • Ensure subject-verb agreement in sentences, such as 'some people believe that tourists should adopt.'

Task Achievement4.0

The essay discusses the impact of technology on cultural practices, with an emphasis on the importance of tourists adopting local customs. It presents a clear stance on the topic but does not directly address the prompt about technological advancements and their effects on cultural preservation or loss.

Recommendations:

  • Clarify the connection between the arguments presented (tourism and local customs) and the prompt about technology and culture.
  • Include specific examples related to technology and culture to support both views as requested by the prompt.
  • Provide a balanced discussion by equally exploring both perspectives on technology's role in cultural preservation and loss before presenting your opinion.
  • Ensure the essay directly addresses the prompt, which is about technological advancements affecting cultural practices, not about tourists adopting local customs.
GRADED
5.0
Coherence and Cohesion:5.0
Lexical Resource:5.0
Grammatical Range:5.0
Task Achievement:4.0
Band Score:5.0
Coherence and Cohesion5
Logical structure5
Introduction & conclusion present5
Supported main points5
Accurate linking words5
Variety in linking words5
Lexical Resource5
Varied vocabulary5
Accurate spelling & word formation5
Grammatical Range5
Mix of complex & simple sentences5
Clear and correct grammar5
Task Achievement4
Complete response4
Clear & comprehensive ideas4
Relevant & specific examples4
Appropriate word count5
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