BAND 5.5 IELTS ESSAY SAMPLE: TECHNOLOGY ADVANCEMENTS - BOON OR BANE? SOCIETY'S PERSPECTIVES DISCUSSED

Explore our IELTS essay sample scoring at band 5.5, discussing the importance of sports for physical and mental health beyond just achieving a fit body. Uncover why society's influence often steers people towards physical appearance over health & wellness.

Writing Task

Some people believe that technological advancements have brought more drawbacks than benefits to society, while others argue that these advancements have improved our lives in various aspects. Discuss both views and give your own opinion. Provide relevant examples and reasons to support your answer.

IELTS Writing Sample Essay with Band 5.0 Scoring and Feedback

Engage in regular exercise is important for many people, but nowadays people primary emphasis on achieving a physically fit body rather than prioritizing the health benefits of sports. In my opinion sports are important way to help physical fitness but the more important point is that the main function of doing sport is improve our physical and also mental health. In this essay will address why people focus on having a fit body rather than merits of sports. The reason behind that why people prefer sports to have a fit body is deferent, one of that is, most people in this era are influenced by media and society. Thanks to social media people believe that should have an ideal body and this reason lead to they focus more on their physical appearance instead of their overall health. Lake of awareness is another issue that especially youth don’t care their health. If people know about what effects sports have on their mental and physical health, they will no longer think only about fitness. As my experience, after one of my friends went on a diet and started to exercise and then she was fit, she had a very bad chronic backache that was due to lake of awareness concerning lose weight. In other hand, the problems caused by this view is, over exercising that may people push themselves too hard in pursuit of fit body. Another point that people neglect to that is, when they focus solely on their appearance, it cause to don’t attention their self-cognitive, overcoming stress or other matters of self-knowledge. To conclude, many people use sports just for losing weight and be on fit, not a true way for their health. I suppose to the main goal of doing sports is save our health, both physically and mentally. And because people are very influenced by social media, they should learn from it and not just look after their body shape.
Words: 323Paragraphs: 1
Submitted: 7/23/2023, 09:20 AM

Coherence And Cohesion5.0

The essay lacks clear coherence and cohesion, with ideas not logically organized or connected effectively. Paragraphs do not follow a clear sequence, and transitions between ideas are weak or missing. The essay does not adequately address both views of the prompt, focusing instead on a different topic.

Recommendations:

  • Use linking words and phrases to connect ideas within and between paragraphs, ensuring smooth transitions.
  • Include a clear introduction that outlines the main points to be discussed in the essay, and a conclusion that summarizes the key arguments and states your opinion.
  • Ensure the essay directly addresses the prompt, discussing both views on technological advancements and their impact on society.
  • Organize the essay into clear paragraphs with a logical flow of ideas. Each paragraph should focus on a single main idea related to the prompt.

Lexical Resource5.0

The essay demonstrates a basic range of vocabulary with some attempts to use less common words and expressions, but it often lacks precision and contains several errors in word choice, form, and spelling that impede meaning.

Recommendations:

  • Pay attention to word choice and collocations. For example, 'engage in regular exercise' should match the topic of the essay, which is about technology, not exercise.
  • Work on spelling accuracy, as seen with errors like 'lake' instead of 'lack' and 'deferent' instead of 'different.' Use spell-check tools and proofreading to catch such mistakes.
  • Practice using more complex and varied sentence structures to incorporate advanced vocabulary naturally. This will help demonstrate a wider lexical range.
  • Expand your vocabulary by reading a variety of texts and noting down new words and expressions. Use vocabulary that is appropriate for the context and ensure words are used in their correct form.
  • Avoid repetition of words and phrases by using synonyms or rephrasing sentences. For example, instead of repeatedly using 'fit body,' consider alternatives like 'physical fitness' or 'athletic physique.'

Grammatical Range5.0

The essay demonstrates a limited range of grammatical structures with frequent errors in sentence structure, verb forms, and agreement, which impede clarity and coherence.

Recommendations:

  • Avoid run-on sentences by using appropriate punctuation or conjunctions to separate ideas clearly, such as 'As my experience, after one of my friends went on a diet and started to exercise and then she was fit, she had a very bad chronic backache' should be split into two sentences or restructured.
  • Pay attention to verb forms and tense consistency, such as changing 'is improve' to 'is to improve' and 'lake of awareness' to 'lack of awareness'.
  • Improve the use of articles and prepositions, for example, 'in other hand' should be 'on the other hand' and 'on fit' should be 'in shape'.
  • Ensure subject-verb agreement is correct, such as 'people primary emphasis' should be 'people primarily emphasize.'
  • Use a variety of sentence structures, including complex sentences, to enhance the grammatical range. For example, 'Engage in regular exercise is important' can be revised to 'Engaging in regular exercise is important because it...'.

Task Achievement4.0

The essay does not adequately address the task prompt, which asks for a discussion on technological advancements and their impacts on society. Instead, the essay focuses on the importance of sports for physical fitness and health, which is not relevant to the given topic.

Recommendations:

  • Ensure that the essay directly responds to the task prompt. Discuss the impacts of technological advancements as requested, providing balanced views and your own opinion.
  • Include relevant examples and reasons specifically related to technological advancements, as the task requires.
  • Structure the essay to clearly discuss both views on technological advancements and provide a clear opinion, as per the task's requirements.
GRADED
5.0
Coherence and Cohesion:5.0
Lexical Resource:5.0
Grammatical Range:5.0
Task Achievement:4.0
Band Score:5.0
Coherence and Cohesion5
Logical structure5
Introduction & conclusion present5
Supported main points5
Accurate linking words5
Variety in linking words5

Lexical Resource5
Varied vocabulary5
Accurate spelling & word formation5

Grammatical Range5
Mix of complex & simple sentences5
Clear and correct grammar5

Task Achievement4
Complete response4
Clear & comprehensive ideas4
Relevant & specific examples4
Appropriate word count5