BAND 5.5 IELTS ESSAY SAMPLE: IMPACT OF RISING RETIREMENT AGE ON SOCIETY AND ECONOMY

Explore this comprehensive IELTS essay sample graded at band 5.5. Delve into the pros and cons of raising pensionable age and its impact on societal development. Discover insightful perspectives, strong arguments, and relevant examples, like Vietnam's retirement policies. A must-read for IELTS aspirants boosting their test preparation.

Writing Task

In many countries, the age at which people can legally retire and receive a pension has risen. Some argue that this is a positive development, while others believe it can have negative consequences. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

IELTS Writing Sample Essay with Band 5.0 Scoring and Feedback

In many locations on over the world, people can legally retire at one aceptable age and get the pension which has risen. It is claimed that this fact will contribute to our society by develop it, on the other hand, some people think that it will bring to us some demerits. In this essay, I will talk about both views. In the first paragraph, i will discuss the advantages and disadvantages of these views, in the second paragraph, I will illustrate my opinion. For the last few decades, the unemployment ratio has been increasing day after day, not to mention the major reasons come from the old generation, who has done that job for a long time. If they retire, we can solve this problem and develop our society. For example: In Vietnam, the teachers need to withdrawn when they reach they age of 50 years old and recieve the high pension. The jobless rate of the education in Vietnam is quite low. Regardless, the governments have to pay them who don't have abillity to contribute, they used to do alot when they were young and they need time to relax. From my perspective, I think the former workforces can legally retire in many countries is a good idea to develop those countries, based on some reasons that I have mentioned above, and if the limit age to withdrawn go down a littel bit will be more affective. In conclusion, depend on those causes which lead to the development of a country, in my opinion, we should folllow this to develop our country.
Words: 263Paragraphs: 1
Submitted: 7/24/2023, 02:54 PM

Coherence And Cohesion5.0

The essay attempts to address both views of the prompt, but lacks clear logical progression and paragraphing, making it difficult for readers to follow the argument effectively. The introduction is vague and does not clearly outline the structure of the essay, while the body paragraphs lack clear topic sentences and transitions, leading to a lack of cohesion.

Recommendations:

  • Improve logical progression of ideas within paragraphs by using linking words and phrases effectively.
  • Ensure each paragraph has a clear focus and contributes to the overall argument, avoiding unnecessary repetition.
  • Use paragraphs effectively to separate different ideas or arguments, ensuring each paragraph has a clear purpose.
  • Develop a clear introduction that outlines the main points and structure of the essay.
  • Use clear topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph to convey the main idea and link back to the thesis.

Lexical Resource5.0

The essay demonstrates a basic range of vocabulary with attempts to use less common words, but there are frequent inaccuracies and errors in word choice and spelling that impede understanding.

Recommendations:

  • Expand your vocabulary by regularly reading a variety of texts and noting down new words and phrases.
  • Incorporate more topic-specific vocabulary related to retirement, pensions, and employment to demonstrate a better range of lexical resource.
  • Practice using more precise and varied vocabulary to express ideas clearly and accurately.
  • Pay attention to spelling and word choice, especially for words like 'acceptable', 'receive', 'withdrawn', 'ability', 'a lot', 'affective', and 'depend'. Consider using a dictionary or spell-check tool to catch errors.

Grammatical Range4.0

The essay demonstrates a basic control of grammatical structures but contains frequent errors in grammar, punctuation, and sentence structure, which can obscure meaning at times. There is limited use of complex sentences, and errors in verb forms, prepositions, and articles are prevalent.

Recommendations:

  • Review and correct verb tense and form usage to ensure consistency and accuracy.
  • Pay attention to subject-verb agreement, especially in sentences with plural subjects.
  • Improve punctuation use, particularly with commas and periods, to clarify sentence boundaries.
  • Revise preposition usage to ensure it fits contextually within sentences.
  • Practice using a variety of sentence structures, including complex and compound sentences, to enhance grammatical range.
  • Work on article usage (a, an, the) to ensure correct application in sentences.

Task Achievement5.0

The essay attempts to address the prompt by discussing both views on the rising retirement age and providing an opinion. However, the task achievement is limited as the essay does not fully explore both perspectives in depth, and the opinion lacks clear justification.

Recommendations:

  • Use a more structured approach to presenting your opinion by dedicating a separate paragraph to explain and justify your stance.
  • Ensure that your opinion is clearly stated and supported by logical reasoning and examples. Explain why you believe one side is more compelling.
  • Avoid vague statements and ensure each point directly relates to the prompt. For instance, clarify how retiring at a certain age impacts unemployment rates and societal development.
  • Clearly outline both positive and negative consequences of raising the retirement age with specific examples and evidence to support each view.
GRADED
5.0
Coherence and Cohesion:5.0
Lexical Resource:5.0
Grammatical Range:4.0
Task Achievement:5.0
Band Score:5.0
Coherence and Cohesion5
Logical structure5
Introduction & conclusion present5
Supported main points5
Accurate linking words5
Variety in linking words5
Lexical Resource5
Varied vocabulary5
Accurate spelling & word formation5
Grammatical Range4
Mix of complex & simple sentences4
Clear and correct grammar4
Task Achievement5
Complete response5
Clear & comprehensive ideas5
Relevant & specific examples5
Appropriate word count5
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