BAND 5.5 IELTS ESSAY SAMPLE: EXPLORING THE MAIN CAUSES AND SOLUTIONS OF CRIME UPSURGE WORLDWIDE

Dive into this band 5.5 IELTS essay sample discussing the global rise of criminal behaviour, its underlying causes such as unemployment and education system flaws, and potential mitigating measures. Find valuable insights for your IELTS preparation here.

Writing Task

In many countries, the amount of crime is increasing. What do you think are the main causes of crime? How can we deal with those causes? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

IELTS Writing Sample Essay with Band 5.0 Scoring and Feedback

Increasing trend of crimes all over the glob is of great concern. In this essay I will argue some causes leading to rise of criminal behavior and measurement which tend to be effective. Unemployment, primarly, seems to be one of main reason of criminal behaviors. Government, specifically, have to take Supportive measurements in order to encourage firms and companies to expand their businesses. take, as example, allocating low interest lown to start new project which could lead to economy grow and increasing employment consequently. More importantly, educational system effect on cultivating youngster Skills could not be overlooked. It goes whitout saying that students tend to grow their ability during school so sophisticated approch could lead to beneficail improvement. like for instance, designating practical workshops in diffrent subject could result in student find their true interest which could lead to successfull career in the future. Increasing trend of crimes all over the glob is of great concern. In this essay I will argue some causes leading to rise of criminal behavior and measurement which tend to be effective. Unemployment, primarly, seems to be one of main reason of criminal behaviors. Government, specifically, have to take Supportive measurements in order to encourage firms and companies to expand their businesses. take, as example, allocating low interest lown to start new project which could lead to economy grow and increasing employment consequently. More importantly, educational system effect on cultivating youngster Skills could not be overlooked. It goes whitout saying that students tend to grow their ability during school so sophisticated approch could lead to beneficail improvement. like for instance, designating practical workshops in diffrent subject could result in student find their true interest which could lead to successfull career in the future.
Words: 288Paragraphs: 2
Submitted: 7/25/2023, 06:11 AM

Coherence And Cohesion5.0

The essay attempts to discuss the causes of crime and potential solutions, but its coherence and cohesion are hindered by repetition, unclear organization, and abrupt transitions.

Recommendations:

  • Include a conclusion to summarize the main points and reinforce the essay's argument, enhancing overall cohesion.
  • Organize the essay with clear paragraph structure: introduce a topic sentence, provide supporting details, and conclude each paragraph effectively.
  • Use a wider range of cohesive devices and linking words to improve the flow between sentences and ideas (e.g., 'Furthermore,' 'Additionally,' 'However').
  • Ensure each paragraph logically follows the previous one, creating a clear progression of ideas.
  • Avoid repetition by ensuring each paragraph provides new information or insights instead of repeating the same sentences or ideas.

Lexical Resource5.0

The essay demonstrates a basic range of vocabulary with some attempts at more complex words and phrases. However, there are frequent errors in spelling, word choice, and formality that impact clarity and precision.

Recommendations:

  • Use more formal and academic language consistently throughout the essay, such as replacing informal phrases like 'take, as example' with 'for instance' or 'for example'.
  • Improve word choice to enhance clarity and appropriateness, for example, using 'measures' instead of 'measurements' when discussing actions to address crime.
  • Expand the range of vocabulary by incorporating synonyms and more precise terms, such as using 'initiatives' instead of 'measurements' or 'strategies' instead of 'approach'.
  • Avoid repetition of phrases and sentences to demonstrate a wider range of vocabulary and avoid redundancy, as seen with the repeated introduction and conclusion sentences.
  • Work on spelling accuracy, especially for commonly used words such as 'glob' instead of 'globe', 'primarly' instead of 'primarily', 'approch' instead of 'approach', and 'beneficail' instead of 'beneficial'.

Grammatical Range5.0

The essay demonstrates a limited range of grammatical structures with frequent errors in sentence construction, verb forms, and agreement. Basic sentence structures are mostly used, and there is a lack of complex sentences.

Recommendations:

  • Improve the use of verb forms and tense consistency, for example, 'take, as example' should be 'take, for example.'
  • Work on correcting spelling errors which affect grammatical accuracy, such as 'glob' instead of 'globe,' 'primarly' instead of 'primarily,' and 'effect' instead of 'affect.'
  • Ensure articles and prepositions are used correctly, as in 'one of the main reasons' instead of 'one of main reason.'
  • Practice using a variety of sentence structures, including complex and compound sentences, to enhance grammatical range.
  • Review subject-verb agreement rules to avoid errors such as 'Government, specifically, have to take.'

Task Achievement5.0

The essay addresses the task by identifying unemployment and education as the main causes of crime, and proposes government support for businesses and educational reform as solutions. However, the essay lacks depth in exploring these causes and solutions, and there is some repetition, which limits the effectiveness of the task achievement.

Recommendations:

  • Avoid repetition of ideas to make room for additional causes and solutions, enhancing the depth of the essay.
  • Ensure that each point is fully developed, with clear connections between causes and their solutions, to improve coherence and logic.
  • Provide more detailed explanations and examples for each cause and solution to demonstrate a thorough understanding of the topic.
GRADED
5.0
Coherence and Cohesion:5.0
Lexical Resource:5.0
Grammatical Range:5.0
Task Achievement:5.0
Band Score:5.0
Coherence and Cohesion5
Logical structure5
Introduction & conclusion present5
Supported main points5
Accurate linking words5
Variety in linking words5
Lexical Resource5
Varied vocabulary5
Accurate spelling & word formation5
Grammatical Range5
Mix of complex & simple sentences5
Clear and correct grammar5
Task Achievement5
Complete response5
Clear & comprehensive ideas5
Relevant & specific examples5
Appropriate word count5
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