BAND 5.5 IELTS ESSAY SAMPLE: DISCUSSING SCHOOL ATTENDANCE VS. FAMILY TIME FOR YOUNG CHILDREN

Explore our comprehensive sample of a Band 5.5 IELTS essay discussing the importance of children's communication in society and school. Learn how school and family play crucial roles in shaping a child's future. Ideal resource for IELTS preparation.

Writing Task

Some people believe that it is important for young children to attend school, while others think that they should spend more time with their family at home. Discuss both views and give your own opinion. Provide relevant examples and reasons to support your answer.

IELTS Writing Sample Essay with Band 5.0 Scoring and Feedback

It is necessary for children to spent most of their time communicating in society , especially in school , while it may be different from others perspective. Youngesters are potentional forces of each society ,which have to underestand their identity and to become familiar with their role in general. So it is important to spend most of their time under supervision of experts while they are at school in in order to underestand how they can get along with others and treat well az an individual. For instance , they shold divided tu specegic groups and asked to solve some intermediate problem , so whenever they get older , they have ability of contribution in society and problem solving as well. On the other hand , families are the one who has always the best intrest at heart and they never drag you down in any situation. As children grow up , they often learn most of thier abilities from thier close-knit family.However , some times their obligation might hurt children as well , but it is not on purpose . Moreover, the cirlce of family is the most conviniet place to express feelings whitout any expectation. So children might be able to improve their performance when they need a shoulder to cry on.For instance , when they have any kind of crisis in school works or other stuffs , they can count on their families and the compassion among family members. To sum up , schools and family are two organization that are in charge of raising children and both of them have specefic role in children future.
Words: 269Paragraphs: 1
Submitted: 7/21/2023, 10:57 PM

Coherence And Cohesion5.0

The essay presents a discussion on whether children should spend more time in school or with their family, addressing both views and providing a personal opinion. The structure includes an introduction, body paragraphs discussing each perspective, and a conclusion. However, there are issues with coherence and cohesion that affect the overall flow and clarity of the argument.

Recommendations:

  • Enhance the use of linking words and phrases to connect ideas within and between sentences more effectively, ensuring a logical progression of ideas.
  • Ensure that each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next, maintaining a clear and logical flow throughout the essay.
  • Clarify ambiguous sentences and ideas to enhance the overall coherence of the essay.
  • Improve paragraphing by ensuring each paragraph focuses on a single main idea and includes clear topic sentences that guide the reader through the argument.

Lexical Resource5.0

The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, but there are frequent errors in word choice, spelling, and word formation that detract from clarity and precision.

Recommendations:

  • Enhance lexical range by using more varied and precise vocabulary. For example, instead of 'get along with others', consider using 'interact effectively with peers'. This will help convey ideas more precisely.
  • Avoid informal expressions and ensure accuracy in word choice, such as 'az' which should be 'as', and 'intrest' which should be 'interest'. This will enhance the formal tone expected in an academic essay.
  • Use collocations appropriately, such as 'play a role in' instead of 'have role in'. This will contribute to a more natural and fluent use of language.
  • Focus on correct word forms and spelling, such as 'spent' instead of 'spend', 'potential' instead of 'potentional', 'understand' instead of 'underestand', and 'specific' instead of 'specegic'. This will improve clarity and coherence.

Grammatical Range5.0

The essay demonstrates a limited range of grammatical structures, with frequent errors in verb tense, subject-verb agreement, and sentence construction, affecting clarity and coherence.

Recommendations:

  • Expand the range of sentence structures by incorporating more complex sentences and using a variety of conjunctions to connect ideas smoothly.
  • Pay attention to article usage, ensuring that articles ('a', 'an', 'the') are used correctly before nouns.
  • Work on punctuation, particularly the use of commas, to clarify sentence meaning and separate clauses appropriately.
  • Review and practice correct verb tense usage, particularly the difference between past and present tenses, to ensure consistency (e.g., 'spent' should be 'spend').
  • Improve subject-verb agreement by ensuring that the subject and verb forms match in number and person (e.g., 'families are the one' should be 'families are the ones').

Task Achievement5.0

The essay addresses the task prompt by discussing both views regarding whether young children should spend more time at school or with their family at home. It provides a clear opinion that emphasizes the importance of school for children's social development while acknowledging the supportive role of families.

Recommendations:

  • Clearly state your position on the issue in the introduction and conclusion to enhance task achievement.
  • Ensure that each paragraph clearly relates to the task prompt by explicitly discussing the benefits of each side, using more specific examples and reasons.
  • Develop a more balanced discussion by giving equal weight and depth to both perspectives to demonstrate a comprehensive understanding of the task.
  • Avoid generalizations and provide more detailed examples to support your arguments, especially when discussing the benefits of school and family environments.
GRADED
5.0
Coherence and Cohesion:5.0
Lexical Resource:5.0
Grammatical Range:5.0
Task Achievement:5.0
Band Score:5.0
Coherence and Cohesion5
Logical structure5
Introduction & conclusion present5
Supported main points5
Accurate linking words5
Variety in linking words5
Lexical Resource5
Varied vocabulary5
Accurate spelling & word formation5
Grammatical Range5
Mix of complex & simple sentences5
Clear and correct grammar5
Task Achievement5
Complete response5
Clear & comprehensive ideas5
Relevant & specific examples5
Appropriate word count5
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