BAND 5.5 IELTS ESSAY SAMPLE: DEBATING ECONOMIC GROWTH AND TECHNOLOGICAL ADVANCEMENTS' IMPACT ON WEALTH GAP

Explore this comprehensive band 5.5 score IELTS essay sample discussing the prevalent issue of obesity across generations. Understand the causes, effects, and practical solutions to this health crisis, with a focus on the role of technology, lifestyle changes, and government regulations.

Writing Task

Economic growth and technological advancements have improved the overall quality of life for many people. However, some argue that these developments contribute to a widening gap between the rich and the poor. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement? Provide reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

IELTS Writing Sample Essay with Band 5.0 Scoring and Feedback

Over the last few decades, adiposity has become prevalent among numerous generations. Although most people are struggling which consequences, they are still adherent to unhealthy routines. This epidemic crisis would affect not only children but also adults. There are both reasons and solutions. One of the main reasons might be a radical shift in children’s daily regimen. It means that reclining on the bed, children often dedicate their leisure time to internet base gaming instead of participating in physical recreation in the open air, as it used to be, before the dramatic development in technology. Moreover, adults are also involved in this global problem, which could be due to having a hectic lifestyle. So that they do not have too much free time to care about whether what they eat is nutritious enough or not. For instance. Most of nine to five employees’ staple food has been made up of convenience foods, which are nowhere near as healthy as traditional foods. As a consequence, they will put on weight and become ill. Turning to possible solutions. Children’s access to internet-connected devices had better be restricted by their parents. Evidently, in many thoughtful families, if children spend their pastime in outdoor activities, would they be allowed to do E-gaming as a gift. In terms of addressing the problem for adults, the government can regulate ready-to-eat industries in the same way that they regulate drug and alcohol industries. For example, the amount of either artificial flavoring and preservatives or fat and salt which had been used in the food preparation process should not exceed a pre-established dosage. Therefore, those who consume these kinds of foods would take healthier foods and this would assist them to stop gaining weight. In conclusion, undoubtedly widespread corpulent issue is getting worse and worse because of the alternation in children’s daily schedules and adults’ time-pressed lifestyles. Unless parents and governments take steps, all generations including juveniles and grown-ups will suffer from diseases that arise as a consequence of corpulence.
Words: 332Paragraphs: 4
Submitted: 7/20/2023, 02:34 PM

Coherence And Cohesion5.0

The essay lacks coherence and cohesion as it diverges significantly from the task prompt, focusing on obesity rather than economic growth and technological advancements. The structure is disjointed, with paragraphs not logically connected to the task. The transition between ideas is weak, and there is a lack of clear linking words to guide the reader through the argument. Additionally, the essay does not maintain a clear progression of ideas, making it difficult to follow the writer's line of reasoning.

Recommendations:

  • Use appropriate linking words and phrases to connect ideas within and between paragraphs, ensuring a smooth flow of information.
  • Develop a clear thesis statement in the introduction that outlines the main argument of the essay, and ensure each paragraph contributes to this argument.
  • Ensure the essay addresses the given task prompt directly, maintaining focus on economic growth and technological advancements rather than unrelated topics like obesity.
  • Organize the essay into clear, logically connected paragraphs that each address a specific aspect of the task prompt.

Lexical Resource5.0

The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary with some attempts at using less common words. However, there are several instances where word choice is inappropriate or awkward, and there are issues with collocations and word forms.

Recommendations:

  • Focus on using a wider range of vocabulary accurately and appropriately. Ensure that word choices are suitable for the context.
  • Use more topic-specific vocabulary related to the essay prompt, such as 'economic disparity' or 'wealth gap' to better address the topic.
  • Include a variety of less common lexical items and idiomatic expressions to enhance the lexical resource score.
  • Improve understanding of collocations to avoid awkward or unnatural phrasing, such as 'adiposity has become prevalent' which is not commonly used in this context.
  • Avoid incorrect word forms and ensure the use of correct grammatical structures, such as 'internet base gaming' which should be 'internet-based gaming'.

Grammatical Range5.0

The essay shows a moderate use of grammatical structures, including complex sentences and passive voice. However, there are several grammatical errors and awkward constructions that affect clarity and coherence.

Recommendations:

  • Review subject-verb agreement, especially in complex sentences, to ensure grammatical correctness.
  • Use relative clauses accurately to enhance sentence complexity and clarity.
  • Improve the use of conjunctions and transitional phrases to connect ideas smoothly.
  • Avoid sentence fragments and ensure each sentence is complete and coherent.
  • Revisit sentence structures that are awkward or unclear, such as 'So that they do not have too much free time to care about whether what they eat is nutritious enough or not.'

Task Achievement4.0

The essay does not address the task prompt regarding economic growth and technological advancements affecting the gap between the rich and the poor. Instead, it discusses issues related to obesity and unhealthy lifestyles, which are unrelated to the task's requirements.

Recommendations:

  • Revisit the task prompt and plan the essay structure to ensure all parts of the question are addressed, including providing a clear stance on the issue.
  • Ensure that the essay directly addresses the task prompt by discussing the effects of economic growth and technological advancements on the socio-economic gap.
  • Provide relevant arguments and examples that relate to the task. Discuss how economic and technological changes might lead to inequality, or argue against it, with supporting evidence.
GRADED
5.0
Coherence and Cohesion:5.0
Lexical Resource:5.0
Grammatical Range:5.0
Task Achievement:4.0
Band Score:5.0
Coherence and Cohesion5
Logical structure5
Introduction & conclusion present5
Supported main points5
Accurate linking words5
Variety in linking words5

Lexical Resource5
Varied vocabulary5
Accurate spelling & word formation5

Grammatical Range5
Mix of complex & simple sentences5
Clear and correct grammar5

Task Achievement4
Complete response4
Clear & comprehensive ideas4
Relevant & specific examples4
Appropriate word count5