BAND 5.5 IELTS ESSAY SAMPLE: COMPETITIVE VS NON-COMPETITIVE SPORTS IN SCHOOL CURRICULUM - A COMPREHENSIVE DISCUSSION

Explore our IELTS Band 5.5 essay sample discussing the pros and cons of competitive sports in schools. Understand diverse perspectives on sports education, its effects on student friendships, and the balance between team and individual activities. Perfect resource for IELTS preparation.

Writing Task

Some people believe that competitive sports, both team and individual, have no place in the school curriculum and should be replaced by non-competitive physical activities. Others argue that sports contribute positively to a child's education and should be included in the school program. Discuss both views and give your own opinion. Support your answer with relevant examples and reasons.

IELTS Writing Sample Essay with Band 5.0 Scoring and Feedback

Some people believe in competitive sports in schools , otherwise, others don't believe in this kind of sport activities for shore. I should say that I believe in both type of sports education. In one hand it is true that some schools provide the competitive sport teams for increasing the body power and sprite competitive of students which is necessary for their future, and prepare them for challenges such as the provincial competitions. In other hand, some parents don't believe in this kind of education types. They know this competitive sports as a battle between students which ruins their friendship. I completely disagree with this point of view whereby the competitive sports help students to increase their competitive sprits and teaches them how to play sports honestly without breaking rules or disturbing friendship. For example, Volleyball team players learn how to have interact. Furthermore I should say that I completely agree with individual sports, because this kind of activities also stimulate creativity of pupils and help them to have the strong body. For instance a Gymnastic player is teached how to control balance of its body during the training and being patient. In conclusion, I agree with both types of sport activities in a school which are necessary for completing the pupils' body and sprits for the rest of their lives. I confirm the schools have the most effect on young people futures on different aspects such as their future jobs or personal lives or even raising their children after marriage.
Words: 251Paragraphs: 1
Submitted: 7/17/2023, 06:52 PM

Coherence And Cohesion5.0

The essay presents both perspectives on competitive sports in schools, but lacks clear organization and effective use of cohesive devices, which affects the overall coherence and cohesion.

Recommendations:

  • Avoid using informal language and ensure that conjunctions are used correctly to connect clauses.
  • Employ a variety of cohesive devices (e.g., 'however', 'moreover', 'on the other hand') to link ideas and sentences smoothly. This will enhance the logical flow of the essay.
  • Ensure that transitions between sentences and paragraphs are smooth and logical to guide the reader through the argument effectively.
  • Clarify pronoun references and ensure that each pronoun clearly refers to a specific noun to avoid confusion.
  • Use clear paragraphing to separate different ideas and arguments. Each paragraph should focus on a single point or perspective.

Lexical Resource5.0

The essay demonstrates a basic range of vocabulary with some errors in word choice and usage, which occasionally hinder clarity. There are attempts to use less common words, but they are not always used appropriately, such as 'sprite' instead of 'spirit' and 'interact' instead of 'interaction'. The essay also lacks variety in vocabulary, with repeated words and phrases, such as 'competitive sports' and 'believe'.

Recommendations:

  • Expand your vocabulary range by learning synonyms and alternative expressions for common words to avoid repetition.
  • Incorporate more precise and varied language to express ideas more clearly and effectively, such as using 'teamwork' instead of 'interact' when describing team dynamics.
  • Ensure accurate use of vocabulary by understanding the meanings and contexts of less common words before using them in your writing.

Grammatical Range5.0

The essay demonstrates a basic range of grammatical structures, but there are frequent errors in sentence construction, punctuation, and verb forms that hinder clarity and coherence.

Recommendations:

  • Ensure proper punctuation, especially with commas, to separate clauses and ideas effectively.
  • Use appropriate conjunctions to connect ideas logically and avoid run-on sentences.
  • Practice using a wider range of grammatical structures, including passive voice and conditional sentences, to demonstrate versatility.
  • Improve sentence construction by using complex and compound sentences correctly to enhance clarity and coherence.
  • Pay attention to subject-verb agreement and correct verb forms, such as 'is taught' instead of 'is teached'.

Task Achievement5.0

The essay attempts to address both views on the inclusion of competitive sports in the school curriculum. It presents arguments for both competitive and non-competitive sports, ultimately supporting the inclusion of both in education.

Recommendations:

  • Develop the arguments with more specific examples and reasons. For instance, provide detailed examples of how competitive sports contribute to students' education beyond just physical benefits.
  • Avoid contradictions in the argument. For instance, the essay states a disagreement with a view but then appears to support it in the following sentences.
  • Ensure that both views are discussed equally and clearly. The essay should provide balanced arguments for both sides before presenting a personal opinion.
  • Clarify the personal opinion. The essay should explicitly state the writer's stance in the introduction and conclusion, and ensure it is consistent throughout the essay.
GRADED
5.0
Coherence and Cohesion:5.0
Lexical Resource:5.0
Grammatical Range:5.0
Task Achievement:5.0
Band Score:5.0
Coherence and Cohesion5
Logical structure5
Introduction & conclusion present5
Supported main points5
Accurate linking words5
Variety in linking words5
Lexical Resource5
Varied vocabulary5
Accurate spelling & word formation5
Grammatical Range5
Mix of complex & simple sentences5
Clear and correct grammar5
Task Achievement5
Complete response5
Clear & comprehensive ideas5
Relevant & specific examples5
Appropriate word count5
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