BAND 5.5 IELTS ESSAY SAMPLE: ADDRESSING ENVIRONMENTAL ISSUES VS ECONOMIC DEVELOPMENT DEBATE

Explore our IELTS essay sample Band 5.5 discussing the controversial issues of environmental pollution and housing problems affecting health. Learn how urban living can impact health, causing heart, lung, nervous, and mental diseases. Understand the importance of government focus on these key issues for decreasing illness.

Writing Task

In today's world, many people argue that it is essential to address environmental issues, while others believe that the primary focus should be on economic development. Discuss both views and give your own opinion. Provide relevant examples and evidence to support your response.

IELTS Writing Sample Essay with Band 5.0 Scoring and Feedback

nowadays, there are a controversial issue regarding the preservation of illness and disease. Some people assert that government must focus on decrease the pollution and housing problems. I believe these are very necessary and should attention to them. On the one hand, there are current issues concerning the environmental that impact on health. Many illness are either directly or indirectly related to environment problem. For instance, a person how live in crowded metropolis such as Hanoi or Tehran because of aggregation of population, lacking of green space, and traffic of cars and vehicles, might have led to that people who live on big city are more at risk than others who live in countryside. These risks consist air pollution, noise pollution, accident, and consumption a contaminated water. These cause an increase in the number of different patient from heart and lung diseases to nervous and mental diseases. Another controversial issue is about housing problem. Nowadays, in most on country, people immigrate from suburban to urban. This causes an increase demand for housing. It makes beneficiaries demolish the house and convert them to sky scraper;so, the people have to live in small apartment with many neighbors. This issue may lead to them being in a challenge with their neighbors about noise and not following the rules of apartment; hence, they have no relax life. As a result, neurological and related diseases increase. in conclusion, I believe that government to reduce the number of diseases and illness should concentrate on solving the pollution and housing problems.
Words: 254Paragraphs: 1
Submitted: 7/22/2023, 08:21 AM

Coherence And Cohesion5.0

The essay attempts to discuss both environmental and housing issues in relation to health, but lacks clear coherence and cohesion. The ideas are not logically organized, and there is a lack of clear connections between sentences and paragraphs. Transitions between ideas are abrupt, and the essay does not effectively guide the reader through the argument.

Recommendations:

  • Conclude each paragraph with a sentence that summarizes the main point and links it to the next paragraph or the overall argument.
  • Use transition words and phrases like 'Firstly', 'On the other hand', 'Furthermore', and 'In addition' to connect ideas and paragraphs smoothly.
  • Ensure that each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence that outlines the main idea to be discussed.
  • Improve paragraph structure by clearly separating the discussion of environmental issues from housing issues, ensuring each paragraph focuses on one main idea.

Lexical Resource5.0

The essay demonstrates a basic range of vocabulary, but there are noticeable issues with word choice, collocation, and spelling, which affect clarity and precision.

Recommendations:

  • Incorporate more complex and varied vocabulary to enhance lexical resource, such as using 'urbanization' instead of 'immigrate from suburban to urban.'
  • Expand the range of vocabulary by learning synonyms and topic-specific words related to environmental issues and economic development.
  • Improve word choice and collocations by practicing with sample sentences and using vocabulary in context.
  • Pay attention to spelling and word forms to avoid errors such as 'illness' instead of 'illnesses' and 'decrease' instead of 'decreasing.'

Grammatical Range4.0

The essay demonstrates a limited range of grammatical structures with noticeable errors in sentence construction, verb forms, and subject-verb agreement. There is an inconsistent use of articles and prepositions, which affects clarity. Simple sentences dominate the essay, with few complex structures attempted, leading to a lack of variety and sophistication in grammar.

Recommendations:

  • Improve use of articles ('a', 'an', 'the') to ensure they are used appropriately, such as 'the environment problem' should be 'environmental problems' or 'the environmental problems'.
  • Practice using a variety of sentence structures, including complex and compound sentences, to enhance grammatical range.
  • Pay attention to verb forms and tense consistency throughout the essay (e.g., 'government must focus on decrease' should be 'government must focus on decreasing').
  • Enhance the use of prepositions for more accurate expression (e.g., 'impact on health' should be 'impact health').
  • Work on subject-verb agreement, ensuring that singular subjects have singular verbs and plural subjects have plural verbs (e.g., 'Many illness are' should be 'Many illnesses are').

Task Achievement5.0

The essay attempts to address the prompt by discussing both environmental issues and housing problems in relation to health, but it lacks clarity and focus in fully addressing the task. The essay does not effectively discuss both views on whether the focus should be on environmental issues or economic development, nor does it clearly present the writer's opinion with supporting examples and evidence as required by the task.

Recommendations:

  • Develop each paragraph fully to ensure that the main points are well-explained and supported with relevant examples. For instance, include more detailed examples of how economic development could be prioritized and its potential benefits.
  • Use clear and logical transitions between ideas and paragraphs to enhance coherence and ensure that the essay flows well from one point to the next.
  • Ensure the essay addresses both views mentioned in the prompt: the importance of addressing environmental issues and the focus on economic development. Discuss each view clearly and provide relevant examples.
  • Clearly state your own opinion in the introduction and conclusion, and support this opinion with specific examples and evidence throughout the essay.
GRADED
5.0
Coherence and Cohesion:5.0
Lexical Resource:5.0
Grammatical Range:4.0
Task Achievement:5.0
Band Score:5.0
Coherence and Cohesion5
Logical structure5
Introduction & conclusion present5
Supported main points5
Accurate linking words5
Variety in linking words5
Lexical Resource5
Varied vocabulary5
Accurate spelling & word formation5
Grammatical Range4
Mix of complex & simple sentences4
Clear and correct grammar4
Task Achievement5
Complete response5
Clear & comprehensive ideas5
Relevant & specific examples5
Appropriate word count5
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