BAND 5.0 IELTS ESSAY SAMPLE: EXPLORING PROS AND CONS OF WORK FROM HOME TREND IN VARIOUS COUNTRIES

Explore the factor influencing a focus on fit bodies over health benefits in sports with our IELTS essay sample. Understand the societal and media impacts, as well as potential problems this view may cause. Learn the importance of balance in maintaining physical and mental health through sports.

Writing Task

In many countries, the number of people working from home has increased significantly due to the advancements in technology. While some argue that this trend has numerous benefits, others believe it can lead to serious problems. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

IELTS Writing Sample Essay with Band 4.0 Scoring and Feedback

Many people do different kinds of sports these days, however their main focus is having a fit body rather than focusing on the health benefits of sports. Why is this the case? What problems can this view cause for them? Engage in regular exercise is important for many people, but nowadays people primary emphasis on achieving a physically fit body rather than prioritizing the health benefits of sports. In my opinion sports are important way to help physical fitness but the more important point is that the main function of doing sport is improve our physical and also mental health. In this essay will address why people focus on having a fit body rather than merits of sports. The reason behind that why people prefer sports to have a fit body is deferent, one of that is, most people in this era are influenced by media and society. Thanks to social media people believe that should have an ideal body and this reason lead to they focus more on their physical appearance instead of their overall health. Lake of awareness is another issue that especially youth don’t care their health. If people know about what effects sports have on their mental and physical health, they will no longer think only about fitness. As my experience, after one of my friends went on a diet and started to exercise and then she was fit, she had a very bad chronic backache that was due to lake of awareness concerning lose weight. In other hand, the problems caused by this view is, over exercising that may people push themselves too hard in pursuit of fit body. Another point that people neglect to that is, when they focus solely on their appearance, it cause to don’t attention their self-cognitive, overcoming stress or other matters of self-knowledge. To conclude, many people use sports just for losing weight and be on fit, not a true way for their health. I suppose to the main goal of doing sports is save our health, both physically and mentally. And because people are very influenced by social media, they should learn from it and not just look after their body shape.
Words: 363Paragraphs: 1
Submitted: 7/23/2023, 09:24 AM

Coherence And Cohesion4.0

The essay lacks coherence and cohesion as it does not adequately address the task prompt about working from home. Instead, it discusses sports and fitness, which is unrelated to the given topic. The ideas presented are not logically organized or linked, leading to confusion for the reader. Additionally, the essay lacks clear paragraphing and topic sentences, which are essential for guiding the reader through the argument.

Recommendations:

  • Provide logical progression of ideas to enhance the coherence of the argument.
  • Ensure that the essay directly addresses the task prompt and maintains focus on the topic throughout.
  • Organize the essay into clear paragraphs with topic sentences that introduce the main idea of each paragraph.
  • Use cohesive devices (e.g., linking words and phrases) to connect ideas within and between paragraphs for better flow.
  • Develop a clear introduction and conclusion that are relevant to the task prompt.

Lexical Resource4.0

The essay exhibits a limited range of vocabulary with occasional attempts to use less common lexical items. However, there are frequent inaccuracies in word choice and formality, which affect clarity and precision.

Recommendations:

  • Practice using more precise and varied vocabulary related to the topic of technology and remote work, as the current essay does not align with the given prompt.
  • Use collocations and idiomatic expressions appropriately to enhance the natural flow of the essay.
  • Expand your vocabulary by learning synonyms and antonyms to express ideas more precisely and avoid repetition.
  • Work on understanding the nuances of words to improve the appropriateness of word choice in context.

Grammatical Range4.0

The essay demonstrates a limited range of grammatical structures with frequent errors in sentence formation, verb tenses, and subject-verb agreement. The complexity of sentences is minimal, with few complex or compound sentences used.

Recommendations:

  • Pay attention to verb tense consistency throughout the essay to avoid confusion and maintain clarity.
  • Work on subject-verb agreement to ensure that singular and plural forms are correctly matched.
  • Review the use of articles ('a', 'an', 'the') to ensure they are used correctly and appropriately.
  • Practice using relative clauses to add variety and complexity to sentences.
  • Focus on improving sentence structure by using a variety of sentence types, including complex and compound sentences, to enhance grammatical range.

Task Achievement4.0

The essay does not address the given task prompt, which asks to discuss the benefits and problems of working from home due to technological advancements. Instead, it discusses an unrelated topic about sports and physical fitness.

Recommendations:

  • Provide balanced coverage of both views mentioned in the prompt. Discuss the benefits and drawbacks of working from home due to technology.
  • Include specific examples and evidence to support your arguments related to the task prompt.
  • Ensure that your essay directly addresses the task prompt. Read the prompt carefully and make sure your response is relevant to the question asked.
  • Include a clear thesis statement that outlines your position on the given topic and what the essay will cover.
GRADED
4.0
Coherence and Cohesion:4.0
Lexical Resource:4.0
Grammatical Range:4.0
Task Achievement:4.0
Band Score:4.0
Coherence and Cohesion4
Logical structure4
Introduction & conclusion present4
Supported main points4
Accurate linking words4
Variety in linking words4

Lexical Resource4
Varied vocabulary4
Accurate spelling & word formation4

Grammatical Range4
Mix of complex & simple sentences4
Clear and correct grammar4

Task Achievement4
Complete response4
Clear & comprehensive ideas4
Relevant & specific examples4
Appropriate word count4