BAND 4.5 IELTS ESSAY SAMPLE: DISCUSSING GOVERNMENT INVESTMENTS IN PUBLIC SERVICES VS. THE ARTS

Explore our IELTS essay sample graded at band 4.5 that discusses the varying perspectives on happiness. Learn how factors like self-satisfaction, life balance, financial stability, and awareness can influence happiness. An insightful resource for IELTS aspirants aiming to improve their essay writing skills.

Writing Task

Some people believe that the government should prioritize investments in public services, such as education and healthcare, over spending on the arts. Others, however, argue that investing in the arts is equally important. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion. Provide relevant examples from your own experience or knowledge to support your answer.

IELTS Writing Sample Essay with Band 5.0 Scoring and Feedback

There are some different point of views about this subject because being happy is a contentious issue these days and there are many elements for making it that will be discussed in this writing. Although these days, non-stop fun is confused with happiness, it has different with being happy and making joy. There has been done a lot of researches about this matter and researchers realized that this emotion comes from inside and it is wrong to look for it outside. When you can make a balance between joy and joylessness or peace and unhappiness, you can see the real of this feeling. Researchers noticed that there is a direct connection between self-satisfaction or life satisfaction and happiness. The quality of your life and your point of view about your problems has effect on your feelings. Having a good position in work or education can be involved in this emotion, and individuals who have these situations can deal with their problems comfortably, in comparison with others. On the other hand, consciousness is another ground to make happy. As it seems to be completely clear, awareness is always companied with satisfaction, even if it doesn’t seem like that. A further rational might be welfare. When you can support yourself and your family without any worries, and you have enough money for basic requirements, you can feel this emotion more comfortable. I opine that welfare play a key role in this subject. In conclusion, not only do many factors influence happiness, but also it can be made by yourself, and I reckon that it returns to our awareness and attitude.
Words: 268Paragraphs: 1
Submitted: 7/19/2023, 05:34 PM

Coherence And Cohesion5.0

The essay lacks coherence and cohesion, as it does not adequately address the prompt or maintain a logical flow of ideas. The introduction does not clearly state the main points that will be discussed, and the body paragraphs do not effectively link back to the central argument about government investment in public services versus the arts. Additionally, there is a lack of clear topic sentences and transitions between ideas, making it difficult for the reader to follow the argument.

Recommendations:

  • Employ cohesive devices such as linking words and phrases (e.g., 'however', 'on the other hand', 'for example') to connect ideas within and between paragraphs.
  • Ensure that each paragraph logically follows from the previous one, maintaining a consistent argument throughout the essay.
  • Clearly outline the main points in the introduction and ensure they relate directly to the prompt. This will help guide the reader through the essay.
  • Use clear topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph to signal the main idea and ensure each paragraph focuses on one main point related to the prompt.

Lexical Resource5.0

The essay demonstrates a limited range of vocabulary, with repetitive use of words and phrases. Some attempts at using less common vocabulary are evident, but they are often used inaccurately or inappropriately, affecting clarity.

Recommendations:

  • Practice using more precise and context-appropriate vocabulary to convey your ideas more clearly.
  • Familiarize yourself with collocations and idiomatic expressions to enhance the naturalness of your language.
  • Expand your vocabulary range by learning synonyms and varied expressions for common words to avoid repetition.
  • Review and practice using vocabulary related to the topic of public services and arts to ensure relevance and accuracy.

Grammatical Range5.0

The essay demonstrates a basic range of grammatical structures with limited complexity. There are several grammatical errors, particularly in subject-verb agreement, article usage, and sentence structure, which affect clarity and coherence.

Recommendations:

  • Pay attention to the use of prepositions to ensure they are used correctly, for example, 'play a key role in this subject' should be 'play a key role in this matter.'
  • Enhance sentence structure by avoiding run-on sentences and using conjunctions correctly to link ideas, for example, 'Although these days, non-stop fun is confused with happiness, it has different with being happy and making joy' should be revised for clarity.
  • Use articles correctly by ensuring they are used where necessary, such as 'a lot of researches' should be 'a lot of research' or 'many studies.'
  • Increase grammatical range by incorporating complex sentence structures, such as using relative clauses or conditional sentences to add depth to the argument.
  • Improve subject-verb agreement by ensuring verbs match their subjects in number and tense, such as changing 'there are some different point of views' to 'there are different points of view.'

Task Achievement5.0

The essay does not adequately address the task prompt. It diverges significantly from the topic of government investment in public services versus the arts, focusing instead on the concept of happiness. The essay lacks a clear discussion of both views presented in the prompt and does not provide a personal opinion related to the task.

Recommendations:

  • Use examples from personal experience or knowledge that directly relate to the topic of government spending priorities.
  • Ensure that the essay directly addresses the task prompt by discussing the prioritization of government investment in public services versus the arts.
  • Clearly outline and discuss both views as mentioned in the prompt, providing relevant examples for each.
  • Include a distinct section where your personal opinion is stated clearly, supported by relevant arguments and examples.
GRADED
5.0
Coherence and Cohesion:5.0
Lexical Resource:5.0
Grammatical Range:5.0
Task Achievement:5.0
Band Score:5.0
Coherence and Cohesion5
Logical structure5
Introduction & conclusion present5
Supported main points5
Accurate linking words5
Variety in linking words5
Lexical Resource5
Varied vocabulary5
Accurate spelling & word formation5
Grammatical Range5
Mix of complex & simple sentences5
Clear and correct grammar5
Task Achievement5
Complete response5
Clear & comprehensive ideas5
Relevant & specific examples5
Appropriate word count5
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