BAND 5.5 IELTS ESSAY SAMPLE: RAISING RETIREMENT AGE - NECESSITY OR BURDEN? DISCUSSING VIEWS AND OPINIONS WITH EXAMPLES

Explore in-depth analysis of band 5.5 IELTS essay sample discussing the pros and cons of cutting-edge technology in modern life. Delve into how tech advancements influence sectors like communication and healthcare, and how they may make life more complex yet convenient.

Writing Task

In many countries, the age at which people can retire is being raised. Some people argue that this is a necessary measure to ensure the financial stability of the pension system, while others believe that it puts an excessive burden on the aging population. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion. Provide relevant examples and reasons to support your answer.

IELTS Writing Sample Essay with Band 4.5 Scoring and Feedback

The impact of the cutting-edge technology development has always been a controversial debate among people. While there are a number of people who have strictly believed that this enhancement has not made the human lives more convenient, others have maintained that new technology is a key feature of modern life which have been helpful for humans. Personally, I take the view that technological improvement have made the life easier and will have been more practical in near future. There are several rationales why some individuals are contradicting with technological advancement. The chief reason would lie in the fact that contemporary life has been surrounded by vast range of applications, have been offered by new technology. This rush has provided a complex choosing matrix, that would make anybody confused. For instance, when you intend to select a tour for your vacations, there are numerous scenarios, which could be misleading. In addition, a salient attribute of the new technology is its fast alternation. To elaborate more, this fast-paced steps would be an obstacle for human specially in job market. For example, today it is crucial for any employee to be in a constant learning process that can make work force exhausted. In contrast to the prior opinion, a group of people have asserted that not only new technology has not resulted in complication, but also it it has been helpful for improving human welfare. There are many stark examples to this usefulness. The major one is for communication sector, which have been feasible as it removed conventional barriers between peoples. Today, people from all walks of life are could have access to any data and pedagogical contents. The second system, would be the healthcare system which have taken a wide range of the benefits from this development. By relying on cutting-edge technology many infective diseases have been eradicated. In the end, despite the fact that new technology may make the routine life more complex, I think that its pros outweigh its cons and it have been beneficial in terms of making humans lives more convenient.
Words: 343Paragraphs: 2
Submitted: 7/18/2023, 08:53 AM

Coherence And Cohesion4.5

The essay lacks coherence and cohesion as it does not directly address the task prompt regarding retirement age and pension systems. Instead, it discusses the impact of technology on human life, which is irrelevant to the given topic. The paragraphs are not logically connected to the task, and there is a lack of clear progression of ideas related to the prompt.

Recommendations:

  • Use linking words and phrases to connect ideas within and between paragraphs. This will help guide the reader through your argument and improve the overall flow of the essay.
  • Ensure that the essay directly addresses the task prompt. Focus on discussing the views regarding raising the retirement age and its impact on the pension system and the aging population.
  • Organize the essay into clear paragraphs that each focus on a specific aspect of the task prompt. For example, one paragraph could discuss the necessity of raising the retirement age for financial stability, while another could explore the potential burden on older individuals.

Lexical Resource5.0

The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary and attempts to use some less common lexical items, but there are frequent errors in word choice and word form that impede clarity and precision.

Recommendations:

  • Ensure accurate use of prepositions and articles, such as 'a vast range of applications' instead of 'vast range of applications.'
  • Improve the use of collocations and fixed expressions to enhance lexical resource. For example, 'cutting-edge technology development' could be better expressed as 'advancements in cutting-edge technology.'
  • Pay attention to word forms and subject-verb agreement, such as 'technology is a key feature' instead of 'technology are a key feature,' and 'technological improvements have' instead of 'technological improvement have.'
  • Expand and diversify the use of synonyms to avoid repetition and demonstrate a broader lexical range. For example, instead of repeatedly using 'new technology,' use alternatives like 'modern innovations' or 'technological advancements.'
  • Ensure that the vocabulary used is relevant to the essay prompt. The essay discusses technology instead of the retirement age and pension system, which is off-topic.

Grammatical Range4.0

The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of grammatical structures, including complex sentences, but there are several errors in subject-verb agreement, verb forms, and article usage that detract from the overall grammatical accuracy.

Recommendations:

  • Expand the use of various grammatical structures like conditionals and passive voice to demonstrate a wider range of grammatical range.
  • Use articles correctly to improve clarity. For example, 'human lives more convenient' should be 'human lives more convenient.'
  • Avoid redundancy and repetition, such as 'it it has been helpful,' which should be 'it has been helpful.'
  • Ensure subject-verb agreement, especially in complex sentences. For example, 'technology is a key feature of modern life which have been helpful' should be 'technology is a key feature of modern life which has been helpful.'
  • Correct verb forms and tenses to maintain consistency. For instance, 'technological improvement have made the life easier and will have been more practical' should be 'technological improvements have made life easier and will be more practical.'

Task Achievement4.0

The essay does not address the given task prompt about retirement age and pension system stability. Instead, it discusses the impact of technological advancements on human life, which is unrelated to the task. The essay fails to achieve the task as it does not engage with the required discussion of retirement age and its implications.

Recommendations:

  • Ensure that the essay directly responds to the task prompt by discussing the pros and cons of raising the retirement age and its impact on financial stability and the aging population.
  • Provide relevant examples and reasons related to the retirement age debate to support the discussion.
  • Clearly state your own opinion on the retirement age issue, supported by arguments relevant to the task.
  • Avoid deviating from the topic by discussing unrelated subjects, such as technological advancements, which do not align with the task requirements.
GRADED
4.5
Coherence and Cohesion:4.5
Lexical Resource:5.0
Grammatical Range:4.0
Task Achievement:4.0
Band Score:4.5
Coherence and Cohesion4.5
Logical structure5
Introduction & conclusion present5
Supported main points4
Accurate linking words4
Variety in linking words4
Lexical Resource5
Varied vocabulary5
Accurate spelling & word formation5
Grammatical Range4
Mix of complex & simple sentences4
Clear and correct grammar4
Task Achievement4
Complete response3
Clear & comprehensive ideas4
Relevant & specific examples4
Appropriate word count5
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